#sergeantsexface

Someday I’m going to write a silly oneshot featuring Bad Bob turned into a literal penguin, but I seriously already daydream about Bad Bob universe-hopping in the late ‘80s and just--trying to get back home Like, how did he even meet the witch who helped him with the communication spell? How did alternate bob take breaking up with Alicia?? On that hand, how does original bob take alternate bob apparently having both a girlfriend and a boyfriend who used to play in the AHL before an injury took him out???

Imagine:

Alternate Alicia: wait we broke up???

Max, their boyfriend: why would you do that, is it just you and me now??? i feel like we lost 80% of our common sense and survival instincts, i’m not liking the sound of this

Bob: you and i aren't even dating

Max: you broke up with both of us? omg pls tell me alicia took me with her

Bob: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Alicia: O.o. but he. literally introduced us???

Alicia: how did you meet me in your universe???

Bob: i shot a commercial in the same studio you were filming Boudicca: The Warrior Queen????

Bob: [apologetically, to Max] i don't know you from adam, sorry

Max: WAIT I'M NOT DATING EITHER ONE OF YOU????

Bob: .....no?

Max: WHAT

Alicia: ...i can't help but feel the other Bob isn't taking this well right now

Meanwhile...

Alt!bob, outside alicia's doorway: take me baaaaaaaaaaack

Alt!bob: Max, Ally, I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyy

Alt!bob: don't marry each other without meeeeeeeeeeee

Alicia, sticking her head out: [annoyed and deeply puzzled] Who the hell is Max????

Alt!bob: is he not in there with you??? did i screw this up so badly even you two broke up?????? WHAT DID I DO I'LL FIX ITTTTTT

[Shenanigans ensue]

---

But before that! How do the Zimmparents OT3 meet???

Ok, so picture this: alternate Alicia actually meets alternate Bob because Max, a real good friend of hers from high school, takes her to a hockey game. He's been out of hockey for about a year at that point, and is finally able to go and watch a game w/o wanting to cry tears of rage and sadness, and Alicia is coming along as moral support.

Fun fact: she has never been to a professional NHL hockey game before, and only ever saw high school games and practices with Max, but like. She loves Max. Was also secretly super into him for a while, but y'know. He was also dating a dude back then, so she figured he's not into girls, and even if he was, he probably wouldn’t be into her? He never showed an iota of interest, so. Well. She’s his friend, and she loves him, and she’s fine with what he can give her.

(He is into her, btw, they were just awkward oblivious bisexuals and missed each other’s signals, as they do.)

Aaaaaaaaanyway! There they are at the hockey game, Pens vs. Kings or Ducks or somewhere in the L.A. area, idk. (my friend has informed me the Ducks weren’t around until the ‘90s, so Kings it is!)

And - Alicia gets recognized.

They get to meet with some of the team afterwards b/c some of them are such HUGE fans of her show. *hint*hint*wink*wink*

So Bad Bob literally meets the loves of his life immediately post post-game interviews while sweaty and disheveled with tissues up his nose cause he got into several a fight.

And just - imagine poor Bad Bob.

Meeting this 6'5" hunk in a soft, dark blue shirt, all crooked smiles and callused hands, oh shit he's so hot

And ALSO meeting fricking ALICIA OWENS of Boudicca the WARRIOR QUEEN fame!!! She's been his celeb crush for the last three months, he cannot believe the fricking interns managed to get her backstage.

Like - there is SO MUCH HOTNESS HERE Y'KNOW

But hot dude - "Call me McCaffrey" (Bob thinks, 'more like McFuck Me') - hot dude has his arm sort of around Alicia's shoulders?? And she keeps on pushing him towards everybody and just beaming at him when he gets excited talking to people??? (Also he apparently played hockey??? He sounds so knowledgeable, omg, even if he's one of those dude who thinks a strong defense makes the best offense, wtf, it's the other way around, obviously, but okaaaaaaayyyyyy, he makes some good points, Bob is willing to forgive him if he keeps on shrugging his shoulders like that.)

Anyway, obviously this is Alicia's boyfriend. And Alicia is McCaffrey's girlfriend. So, like. They're definitely fucking each other. Which. Makes Bob so jealous, but is also a very hot image, he did not know Alicia Owens was into hockey guys

But also, like, what a hockey guy. He's so awesome and gentlemanly, and Bob thinks the dude's laugh is really cool. He gets to hear it a bunch that night, b/c Bob being Bob smoothly asks them to show him around L.A. (lol, he’s never actually gone further than five miles from whatever hotel the team stashed them in) and Alicia's like 'sure! why not? you were entertaining' 

Max: ally, he was brilliant 

Alicia: [smiling softly and teasingly at him, her blond hair haloed by the street lights] sure, sure, i'm sure you're completely right

Bob: -dying inside from a combination of being called brilliant and getting to see Alicia Owens, literal goddess, agreeing with the guy calling him brilliant-

Anyway, they get Bob's number, and Bob gets theirs, and I actually think Max/Bob happens first??? Mainly b/c Max actually lives out in Pittsburgh most of the year so that's great for them to meet up, get to know each other better, etc.

And just - Alicia's really happy for them. She is. She's glad Max is doing so much better, this is awesome. She’ll just - she’ll be over here, drowning in loneliness and heartbreak, haha. 

Meanwhile, Bob is just marveling at his luck because he totally thought he didn't have a chance??? Like, jokingly one day he says to Max, 'Did you know i thought you wouldn't go for me b/c you and Ally were a thing?' (He's so hyped that he gets to call THE Alicia Owens that. They're friends, it's the coolest!!)

Cue Max spitting out his drink.

Max: WHAT. you thought. omg you thought??? omg NOOOOOOO, she is too good for the likes of me, i would never dare, i can't believe you thought that, i am mortified - 

Bob: uh, well, i thought it was pretty obvious that -

Max: oh my GOD, you think my crush was obvious - do you think she knew - do you think she noticed - i can't show my face to her anymore - WHAT MUST SHE THINK

Bob: - that she was into you

Max: what

Bob: what

[twenty minutes of furious arguing ensues]

max: how can you think that! she's not into jocks omGGG

bob: but like isn't she???

max: well, girl jocks, sure, but guy jocks -

bob: what

max:

max: oh shit

max: let's pretend i did not say that

bob: she's.....she likes girls???

bob: is that a thing

max: BOB

bob: i don't mean is girls liking girls a thing! i meant, like.....liking both, haha. or did she like girls in high school and just grow out of it?

max: that's?? not how this works???? i mean, sometimes, but in this case no?

bob: but i'm pretty sure she likes you now, so she must like guys now

max: .....

max: babe, what do you think i am exactly

[beat]

bob: my boyfriend???

[another beat]

max: ok, yeah, good answer

max: BUT REALLY

bob: uhhh, I guess we're, y'know. gay.

max: *sudden realization that the most flaming bisexual he knows has no clue he's bisexual*

max: BABE WHAT

max: BABE NOT TO PUT WORDS IN YOUR MOUTH OR ANYTHING BUT YOU LITERALLY POP A BONER WHENEVER MEG RYAN'S ONSCREEN YOU'RE NOT GAY

bob: haha, that's just being in denial tho. or like. picking a girl you think is hot. i'm with you now, so i don't think girls are hot anymore. or like. well. i shouldn't? i don't think they're as hot as you are, like, i guess maybe i'd tap that, but only as a metaphorical thinggie, not like actually and obviously i think you're hotter and you're the only person i'd sleep with and it's not like you should be worried. i mean you're not worried when i talk about how hot wayne is sometimes, like, you get me, so this is the same thing, right?? hey, lots of people are hot, eh?

max: .....baby, that was so painful. that's - there's a word for us, you know

bob: ....gays who appreciate girls sometimes???

bob: [internally] wait also he said 'us’

Max, takes a deep breath to center himself.

max: [patiently explains what a bisexual is]

max: *points to self* example A

max: *points to bob* example B

Bob just stares for a bit, processing.

bob: oh.

bob: haha.

bob: -tears up-

max: -pulls him in for a good long hug and an identity-affirming makeout session-

Anyway, eventually they do circle back around to Alicia, mostly b/c she is totally Bob's celeb crush and the person he'd have put at the top of the 'if given the opportunity to sleep with them, you'd totally forgive me, right?' list. And she is also Max's 'The One Who Got Away'TM/the person he was always kind of convinced was gonna be the love of his life that he would secretly measure everyone else up to.

And Bob has actually gotten to know her as a person, and so would no longer put her on the list b/c that would be Awkward, but she is still totally bangin' and heyyyyyyyyyy you think she'd be down for a threesome?

Max: *spits out his drink again* WHAT

Max: you can't ask her that, that is so rude

Max: do you know how many bi women get asked for threesomes???

Bob: but it would be us

Bob: and different because i would be willing to let her watch us make out in exchange for watching you make out with her

Bob: which is different

Bob: this is done out of love not shallow pervertedness

Max: *raises a brow*

Bob: ok some pervertedness

Max: also!!! we can't let her know that i fucking outed her!!

Bob: but that was to me?

Max: oh yes to my idiot boyfriend, like that's any better

Bob: but who would i tell??

Max: it's the spirit of the thing!! also if you ask for a fricking threesome, it's like i specifically outed her just so we could have one!!

Bob: hm. that would look bad, eh

Bob: how about we just pretend i don't know, and ask

Bob: here, i'll say it like so, 'heyyyyyy, you wanna have a threesome with me and my boyfriend? he'll make us pancakes after ;) ;) ;)’

Bob: there!

Max: why am i in love with you

More shenanigans ensue, but rest assured, these awkward bisexual boyfriends eventually do manage to convince bisexual Alicia Owens to join their ranks. ;D

Contribution from Julorean: 

Sometime in the future, Bitty goes to meet Jack's parents and he's ??? at this man...is he cuddling Bob?? what's going on? And Alicia is just like, "lol his looks aren't the only thing he gets from his dad. They're both awkward bisexuals," as she sips wine.

Max: you say that like you aren't

Alicia: *tips up sunglasses* i'm not. i'm an awesome bisexual.

Bob, quietly: i love her so much

AaAAAAND while discussing this AU, Sarge (hope sarge is an ok nickname) mentioned @ninjaomelet ‘s little Penguin Draws and mentioned how fun it would be to see Baby Penguin Julien and Little Blonde Pens!Bitty and Grandpapa Penguin Bob (and Falcon Jack of course). So.... >.> here’s that.