#seobang

Look at what I found hahahaha 

It’s been years since I’ve been gaga over someone who I am not really sure exists. Aigoo seobang~ it was too good to be true that’s why I never wanted to confirm the reality of you. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I feared knowing the truth. Maybe you were someone pretending to be somebody else wanting to mess around fooling people but I did have fun hahaha I felt attached tho. Dala na rin siguro ni watty and every other romance novel I’ve read hahahaha

I remember Niel too. Kuya. Baby OMG HAHAHAHAHA

Magkapatid sina Natalie, Niel, at Nate. Si honeybear, si baby, si hubby. Jusq kalandian mo noon, Euscelle Grace hahaha

Ganito kasi ‘yon

Patay na patay ako rati kay Timothy Odelle Pendleton kaya napasali ako sa text clan at nakilala ko mga kakulto kong adik sa Talk Back and You’re Dead (watty story na ngayon ay published na under PSICOM. May movie adaptation din kaso ‘di binigyan ng justice ‘yung book). Doon ko nakilala si Honeybear. 

I remember I was practicing table tennis for upcoming AtFest (na hindi naman ako naglaro HAHAHA) when I received a GM about coming into class late and everybody looks at you as if you’re a criminal. I replied, “Kriminal ka. Binaril mo kasi puso ko, kaya heto ako ngayon patay na patay sa’yo.” Joke lang HAHAHAHA can’t remember our convo basta doon nagsimula. Nalaman kong kapatid pala siya ni Natalie, si honeybear. Usap-usap. Kulitan. Barahan. Hanggang sa tinawag na niya akong “khulet” kasi nga makulit daw ako. Daming tanong kesyo ba’t ganito ba’t ganyan tsaka panay bara sa kanya HAHAHAHA ang korni nyetaaaa XD tawag ko sa kanya Kuya kasi he’s two yrs older than me taking up BS ECE. Engineering, be. Tengene. Dream course ko eh, kaya siguro pati siya naging dream guy ko na rin HAHAHAHAHA text text kami lagi, Hindi ko na nga maalala anong pinag-uusapan namin dati eh. Alam ko lang na halos araw-araw katext ko siya. Days. Weeks. Months. Talking to him became a routine. Kaya grabe ang naramdaman kong kawalan noong ninakaw cellphone ko. Hindi ko memorize number niya. Wala akong ibang kakilala sa personal na ka-clan namin. How do I contact him now? 

Fortunately, ‘yung kaibigan ko kasali rin sa isang watty clan and may clanmate siya na member din ng TBYD. BUTI NA LANG *sigh of relief* kahit hindi kami close nung tao, kinulit ko, sabi ko pasali at pabalik ulit sa TBYD hahahaha kaya yesseu may commu na kami ulit HAHAHAHAHA namiss daw ako ni Honeybear sabi niya, syempre pati rin daw kuya niya miss din ako HAHAHAHA ditto, kuya. Ditto 😉 He wrote a poem for me pa nga raw eh, sabi ni Honeybear. I never knew what’s in it tho. I never asked him. I never knew if it really existed. Dahil nga namiss ko masyado si kuya, I played a prank on him. One night of December 2012, I texted him, “I love you.” WHAT WAS I THINKING? I MEANT IT AS A PRANK PERO BAKIT KINAKABAHAN AKO AND BAKIT HINDI SIYA NAGREREPLY TF TF TF WHAT HAVE I DONE? That’s what was on my mind. Prank pala, Euscelle Grace ha, pero bakit ganiyan ka kung umasta?

“I love you too,” he replied.

I can’t remember what it felt. I woke up the next day with my inbox bombarded with his “i love you” texts. We weren’t awkward after. I knew I was playing on dangerous grounds but it never held me back. Nothing changed. Just additional three words we exchanged everyday. Kung walang nagbago bakit naka-save lahat ng “i love you” niya sa phone ko? Kung walang nagbago ba’t biglang kinakabahan na ako ‘pag hindi na siya nagrereply? Kung walang nagbago bakit nasaktan ako noong bigla siyang nawala? 

Babalik ‘yun. Baka busy lang. Nag-aaral ‘yun. Busy sa studies. He has a life of his own. Babalik siya. Babalik...

Bumalik nga siya. Sabi na nga ba, eh. Kailangan ko lang maghintay. Patience, Euscelle. Kailangan ko lang maniwala. Baby na nga tawag niya sa akin eh. Baby niya raw ako. Baby daw namin ang isa’t isa. Masaya. Sabi niya kung nasa isang lugar lang daw sana kami, susunduin niya rin ako sa school. Ihahatid sa bahay. Sabi niya, marami raw siyang kakilala, maraming connections. Ipapabantay niya raw ako. Asus. Ang layo po ng Cavite sa Zamboanga. Malay ko ba raw. He and Honeybear also told me na bibisita raw sila sa Zambo, bakasyon daw. Sinabihan na raw nila daddy nila. Sabi ko “wag kayong pumunta rito.” Firmly. Bakit nga ba ayaw ko? Ayokong masira ang kung anong meron kami ‘pag nakita na nila ako. Was it my insecurity that hindered me or was it the thought that this fantasy we have might come to an end? The latter maybe.

Nawala na naman siya. Days. Weeks. No, babalik ‘yun. Gaya nung dati, babalik siya. It’s been a month. Tiwala lang, Euscelle. Babalik ‘yun. Two months. Three months. “Anong klaseng lovelife ‘yan na may expiration date?” ha ha ha ha pinagtatawanan na ako ng mga kaibigan ko. “Niloloko ka lang, Euscelle. Move on.” Hanggang birthday ko na lang. Maghihintay ako hanggang birthday ko. 

July 11 na. Patapos na ang araw. Ngunit wala akong natanggap ni isang text. Haaaaaay

Buti pa si Honeybear, bumalik HAHAHAHA kami na lang lagi nag-uusap ulit. She was the younger sister I never had. Ang kyot kyot hahaha pareho kaming adik sa wattpad at kpop. Feeling ko nga kung kakilala namin isa’t isa sa personal, vibes ko ‘to sa kahit na anong bagay. Nagkakasundo talaga kami. Hindi ko na tinanong kung kumusta na ba si Niel. Hindi ko tinanong kung ano na ba ang nangyari sa kuya niya. It was all in my head, right? Wala namang kami. Hindi niya kailangang malamang hinintay ko siya. Baka naman kasi isipin niya hinahabol ko siya. Simpleng landian lang ‘yun diba, Euscelle? Wala lang. Wala.

After a few days, hindi na naman si Honeybear kausap ko. Isa na naman sa mga kapatid niya, si Nate. Mas matanda raw kay Niel ng isang taon. BS Architecture. Huwow. Hahahaha kinausap ko lang din. Kinukwento raw ako ni Honeybear lagi sa kanila. Eh kasi this was the 17 year old me, hindi ako nagtanong. Wala. Oo lang lagi. Hindi ko tuloy na-distinguish difference between fiction and reality. No. I was living inside my bubble. I don’t want anyone to destroy this perfect little world I have in my mind. Kaya kahit curious masyado, hindi ako nagtanong. Alam mo kung ano ang nasa isip ko? Si Niel ‘to.

Si Nate na naman lagi kong kausap. Never akong nagtanong kung nasaan si Niel. Nate was right there kahit si Niel ang hinahanap ko. Para siyang si Niel kung magtext. Parehas ng dating ngunit may kaunting pagkakaiba rin naman. Aysuuuus bahala na. It didn’t matter. Malayo siya. Malayo sila. Hindi ko rin naman malalaman ‘yung totoo. Tinuloy ko lang. Kausap ko na naman araw-gabi. Nung nawala siya, hindi ko na hinanap. Si Niel pa rin hinihintay ko. Ha ha ha ha. Hindi na babalik ‘yun. Alam ko.

Nate kept on texting me. Reply lang din ako, unli eh hahahaha usap, kulitan. He gave me his name. I never asked if it’s real. Takot akong malalaman ‘yung totoo. Takot ako dahil ‘pag nalaman ko na, hahanapin ko siya sa fb. Makikita ko mukha niya. Ayoko. This fantasy inside my head was better with a faceless beau. Ayokong bigyan ng mukha. Ayokong may maalala.

He made me happy. Iba. Iba siya kay Niel. May similarity, oo, pero at some point Nate made himself felt like home to me. Noong panahon ng Zamboanga Siege, si Nate lagi kong kausap. Worried daw sila. Kung pwede lang daw kami kunin ginawa na nila. Impossible, right? How can someone you met informally offer such kindness? I took it as joke. Maybe he said it out of courtesy? Idk. I never asked. Alam mo kung ano ang nagustuhan ko sa lahat ng pinaramdam sa akin ni Nate? He never made me worry he’d be gone. He never left. We were busy with each other’s life pero hindi siya nawala. Hinintay kong mawala siya pero bakit nandito pa rin? Ewan ko ba ‘dun hahaha He used to fondly call me wifey. Hubby ko raw siya. Harujusko. Sinakyan ko rin trip niya. Nagbahay-bahayan kami hahaha this is fictional, right? E ‘di todohin natin hahahaha we acted like married couples. We even quarrelled like one tengene. We ate together. We slept together. Inaasar namin ang isa’t isa. He would always flood me with texts of “wifey” before he says anything. Minsan nga wala pang sasabihin. Nagpapapansin lang hahaha. 

Just one unexpected text sent at the right moment made all the difference. What made me lose my ground was that moment when my heart skipped, thumped erratically, and delivered happiness through my bloodstream into the different parts of my body. I. Am. Damned. The line between fiction and reality blurred again. It was too good to be true. Highly fictional. Naturally, I fell. Knowing he was miles away from me, knowing I’d never really validate what’s between us, knowing this was just fun and games, I surrendered. Not knowing if he’s a real person or not, I conceded.

It felt good setting myself free. I let myself feel the emotions freely. I never told him what I felt tho. Never pranked him. Just continued what was between us. At times he gave hints of real talk, I never gave in. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to complicate us. I was scared he’d be gone. 

“If you love something, be prepared to lose it.”

We never talked again. I can’t remember what we talked about last. I can’t even remember when. He was gone. Just gone.

I lost Honeybear, too. The last time we talked, namatay na raw daddy nila. Condolence, Honeybear. I wanted to comfort her so much but the distance between us prevented me to. Having lost my own, I had an idea what it felt like. I wanted to be there for her. Wala akong nasabi. No words could comfort the bereaved more than a warm hug clearly stating my presence.

I wished I could’ve keep her. Bahala na sina Nate at Niel. Si honeybear gusto ko pa rin. Kaso malabo.  

I never asked the right questions. Pero alam ko sa sarili ko, kung ano ‘yung totoo. Wala nga lang validation. Siguro nga hindi totoo si Nate at Niel. Siguro pinagtripan lang ako nina Honeybear at nung mga barkada niya. Siguro they really exist. Ewan. Hindi ko na siguro malalaman pa.

PS.

I got one answer pala. It was all a game. Yep. Accordingly. Ho ho ho ho 

PPS.

Você sabe mais do que ninguém que meu tempo é super curto, mas eu precisava mesmo de um tempinho pra vir aqui e atualizar o nosso blog, fazer algo especial pra você já que hoje é o nosso aniversário de três meses! Eu queria ficar o dia inteiro com você. Queria te amar o dia inteiro, te dizer coisas lindas, te fazer carinho, fazer amor e etc, etc, mas eu não posso, infelizmente. ㅠㅠ

As coisas estão complicadas pra gente, principalmente a falta de tempo, mas Seobang... Eu estou tão feliz. Eu estou me sentindo completa. É tão bom saber que faz tanto tempo que nós não brigamos, que nós estamos conseguindo cuidar dos gêmeos e eles estão crescendo cada dia mais saudável e que mesmo com tudo isso, conseguimos encontrar um pouquinho de tempo pra ficarmos juntas. É tão gratificante, Yuri. Eu queria poder expressar o suficiente.

São três meses e tudo o que eu tenho que fazer é agradecer, agradecer por você ser perfeita e compreensível e ainda insistir em uma teimosa como eu, que na maioria das vezes faz tudo errado. ㅠㅠ Você não sabe como eu sou grata por ter você na minha vida. Eu agradeço à Deus todos os dias por vocês.

E eu nunca, nunca quero pertencer à outro alguém. Promete pra mim que não vai me deixar? Que pra sempre vai se lembrar de que eu te amo? Jinjja, eu sou um nada sem você. Não existe Jessica sem Kwon Yuri. E até falar em Kwon... Não vejo a hora de me tornar uma. ㅋㅋㅋ

Feliz três meses, meu amor. Infelizmente não há muito o que ser falado, já que você já sabe de tudo. (Eu acho). Eu te amo como nunca amei ninguém, Yuri. E eu juro que não te troco por nada, nada nesse mundo. Você é a melhor coisa que já aconteceu na minha vida. Obrigada por me amar todos os dias e fazer com que eu me sinta bonita e amada.

Eu te amo muito. Feliz três meses.

Oh my god Yul... /nosebleed/