Dream On

I didn’t know I was still hurting until I realised how I talked about you and what happened. Maybe downsizing the real pain was a def mech, but these days it all comes crashing on me. Random things —bus rides, doughnuts, burgers, grocery stores, etc— are tickets down memory lane. I remember your favorite burger shop. I remember you promised me you’d treat me a box of krispy kreme because you had 1.0 in one of your subjects. Heck, I even remember that time you asked me to help you with your assignment on Rizal. I remember telling you I wanted to go to the grocery with you just to make a fool out of ourselves eventhough we need not buy anything. Maybe along that line when I was so consumed with the thought of being with you, you were already drifting away.

I knew it when I rode that jeepney away from you that I have already lost you. You told me you love me but you chose being with her. You have to “stick to her,” as per your own words. Love is a choice, bes, and I guess I am not yours.

I was ready to let you go. In fact I deposited the money for the book you ordered for me in your bank account. It was my way of saying goodbye. It was the last straw. I wanna end 2015 without any regrets, without any debts. I wanna start 2016 with a clean slate. I felt lighter. I felt I could go on with my life without you anymore. There wasn’t even an “us” to begin with. You were just someone I met in the internet while I was bored. You were just a stop along the way, not the destination itself. I could on with my journey. Thanks for the ride. But why do you have to come back?

I have accepted your return, opened my arms once again. But I am guarded because I knew one day you’re gonna leave me again. You’ve done it once. Nothing would prevent you from doing it twice or more. And I know you’d be doing it again soon. Still, I was blinded by my feelings. That, maybe, this time, you’d choose me.

We talked. For months we were back again to how we’ve been before. You’re the sole person on my call logs, chats, messages, skype. My world has started to revolve around you again. “If you won’t sacrifice for your dream, your dream will be the sacrifice.” Deym. I gave up pursuing my other dream to pursue my fantasy with you and again, I ended up making the wrong choice.

You broke up with her. You said your mom did not like her for you. You said a couple more reasons why you and her won’t really work out. Okay, fine. I get it. You both were done. It’s okay for us to talk again. You did not have to hide me anymore. We tried to meet up again. Twice, I guess, same place. We were okay. I knew we were. I was ready to fight for you. I was just waiting for the right time. I don’t want to hold back anymore because I know we can give more than what we gave each other. But you said it’s not yet time. You said you want to focus on yourself first. Okay. Agreed. But I tried, bes, God knows I tried.

I said I love you. I told you I want to be with you despite what had happened. I’m over it now. I want to work on us. But you said you did not feel anything anymore. “Iba ‘yung nararamdaman mo sa nararamdaman ko,” your exact words. Did I pressure you when I confessed? You said I did. Okay. You did not have to reciprocate my feelings. It’s okay. I’m okay. I can bear with the pain again so long as your happy. I don’t wanna be a burden so I did not brought it up again.

I’ve been to places just to forget about you. I went on a trip to Calaguas, three days two nights with no internet, no phone signals. But you were still the one I want to be with. As I laid down by the seashore watching over the starry sky, tears just ran down my eyes. Why can’t we be together? Why can’t the two of us happen? I don’t want to lose you. It’s the first time I’ve met someone I can voice out literally anything that comes to my mind. It’s the first time I’ve felt so exposed to the world. I don’t want to lose you so I have to set aside my feelings for you. I badly want to be with you I’m willing to be just your friend. No more expectations. No more feelings. It’s hard, bes. But I have to let these feelings go to be with you, to not be a burden to you.

When I returned from the trip we talked less. Texted, chatted less than we do. But I know you’re online. I always wait for that green bubble on your pic to disappear on messenger before I fall asleep. We’re not talking but you’re online until dawn. Maybe you’re just outside playing whatever online games you want. Maybe you were just out with your friends. Maybe you were talking to someone. And really, you were.

You don’t have to tell me for me to know. I just knew. I felt it when you turned cold. I felt it when you give me short answers. I felt it when it took to long for you to reply on my messages. I felt it when you suddenly disappeared again. I already knew it, bes. I was just waiting for you to confirm my hypothesis. I was waiting for you to be truthful to me. I want to hear it from you. So I waited. I was still hopeful everything was just made up by my silly mind.

We planned to celebrate our birthdays together. Maybe you were planning a surprise that’s why you did not contact me for a month or two. Maybe it was just that. My gifts for you were ready. I even prepared a video for you. I don’t even know how to give it to you. Pasensya na ha? Ito lang muna ‘yung afford ko. Wala pa kasi akong pera at trabaho.

12midnight, I texted you using my new number greeting you a happy birthday. I knew you didn’t know it was me. Thanks for the reply. 2359H, Night before your birthday ended, I messaged you. I want to be the first and the last one to greet you. So I did. It was a lengthy message inclusive of me telling you how I did not know how to give my present for you and so on. It was your reply that will forever be stuck with me.

“I already have someone, bes.” I already have someone. I already have someone.

Finally, the cat is out of the bag. And that my friend, is how my world started crumbling down. There were cracks already. I tried to tape it together. I tried to control myself. But what’s meant to happen, will always do.

Unfair. Life is so unfair. I thought you don’t want to have any romantic relationships? I thought you want to focus on yourself first? I gave you the space that you wanted. But why did it mean someone else filling in? Oh. Silly me. Probably you never wanted me in the first place. Ha-ha.

What do I have now with me? I gave up my dream to pursue you but I have nothing now. It might be because I have nothing that’s why you did not want to be with me.

July 11, 2016. I was at a coffee shop in BGC and i messaged you. Can we meet up? It’s my birthday today. Can I at least see you for one last time? Please. Just a little birthday treat for me. I’ve got news for you too. I came by from a job interview. I think I got in. I think I am not nothing anymore. Please? But nope. You no longer have time for me. Thank you for making me realize this. Thank you for this birthday gift.

I let myself mourn for this loss. Losing you was like losing a part of myself. Well, I never had you in the first place. It was okay to mope around for the first few months but I promised myself I will never let you destroy me again. To prevent death of the entire basket of fruit you have remove the spoils. A part of me, the part that opened up while you were around, has to die for the whole me to survive.

I was thankful for the distraction. I was thankful I did not have the time anymore to think about you, about the pain I was going through. There were days I thought it was all over but there were dark days I knew I have to dance with my demons. Everyday has become a routine of killing any feelings I have felt for you. Love, hatred, anguish, anger, denial. Everything has to go but indifference. In the morning I face different patients, different walks of life, take care of them, help them live, save their lives. In the evening I drown myself with bottles of vodka or soju or rhum just to kill the thoughts of you so I can sleep.

It has been almost two years since we last communicated. I knew you were still out there, probably happy with her. Probably building your life together. But I am here, and I made myself whole again. Funny how dying was the only way for me to live again.

‪I have loved you more than the days we have actually spent together. For years I have been on the sidelines watching you love her, care for her. It was liberating finally seeing you eye to eye without having to feel that heaviness on my chest. I am finally free. ‬