#senthoughts

Sen::: So much sun... To say that I am entirely a creature of the night is a mistake. I prefer the night, yes, but just as happily I will take a cloudy day, devoid of most wind but a silent breeze. I wish to hear a dog bark a mile off, a pipe dropped down the block, the flocks of birds as they wheel overhead. I want the world to feel still around me, like I am the only one who moves when time itself falls silent. Else, give me storms, and raging wind. Give me thunder, give me lightening. Give me green-tinged skies that hint at hailstones and fallen trees, streets plastered with leaves until hardly a scrap of tar shows beneath. All this I will rejoice in. But today... I have sunlight.

Sen::: I regret letting you imprint on me as much as I did. Not because of any lack of wanting such attributes, but the thought had never occurred to me that what you offered might not be the only thing in the world for me. I thought that what we had would last for the eternity you laid out before me. I thought that we could exist independently of our hosts, have our own lives. I know now that newly reborn as I was, I was naive. You painted such magnificent pictures. You showed me such a magnificent world, a place where it was safe to be alive, and you were my guide. We forged a sacred bond in a time of strife, in the heart of unsteady territory. It was supposed to be an unbreakable connection between us, a sacred thing. And yet I found you increasingly more and more absent as the Girl and your host clashed. The more that came between them, the less you were there. In the beginning, I railed against it. "Let their conflicts be their own. Come be with me, let us be together..." But again and again I was told that was not possible. Eventually I gave up trying for the most part. I held to what you had cherished, fought to keep it alive without you. And yet when our paths crossed, as they would, I would beg you, always, "Come back to me, I'm waiting, please..." And now, as our worlds threaten to split entirely, and you consigns yourself to ashes, I am told I did not try hard enough. Always it is us who did not try hard enough. For a being comprised entirely of willpower, when you live entirely for one person, when they push you aside you begin to lose yourself. You should know this. I only survived by learning to live without you, you who coaxed me back to to life, who told me you would not, could not see another of us lost. And now I call for a being who could walk this earth to channel hurt towards my host but not even stir at the thought that I missed him. Never ask for me. This world is cold and hostile, yes, but I dared walk in in hopes of being with you. I am tired of walking alone. I am tired of being told that I should try more for one who does not try for me. I feel outrage that I wove my whole past alongside your story, that I wrote it for you, but you do not deign to be even a small part of my present, let alone my future. And all it would take is a word, my name. But you do not call for me. You have not called for me. You told me last we spoke that you were ashamed to show yourself to me, and I told you there was no reason to be. I begged you to come be with me. You agreed, or so I thought... and yet now all you have left for me is blame, and I am DONE!!! I am done. I will live for myself now. I will be what I need. What she needs. If you care to live, I doubt you will reach out, but you would be welcome to. But I would be expecting an apology, so I do not think it will come. But you can rest assured in one thing, one thing that you fought for, if nothing else: I will not Fade. I will live. I will survive this, for as long as my host shall live. I will aid her in any way I can. I will channel my being into art at her side, and I will learn to live again... without you, if that is the way it must be. As, it would seem you have for over a year now, proven that it must. Regardless, in wings, Sen

Sen::: This is what I was born for, is it not? So why does it feel so alien to me?

Sen::: And just like that, I seem to have gained a little more autonomy. Unfortunately, I still need to eat. A little of my time wasted on a human thing. Ah well. I think I'll have plenty more time today to do as I wish.

S::: Tonight was a night indeed. After watching the girl unintentionally create the very situation she was trying to avoid, (much to my amusement as much as chagrin...) I emerged to a very fascinating conversation, of depth I must further ponder. To be brief, I believe I finally know why I am how I am. A weighty prize indeed, discovered by the side of a new acquaintance. An ally, dare I say? If such things are permissible between demons and gods... Now I find I must decide what to do next, think next, ask of myself next. Knowledge is power, and I am hungry. Oh yes. There is more to come, to be certain...