#sensitive nerves

As I've written before, I have problems with migraines. While I've had some bad headaches in my life (possibly, migraines ran in my family), the worst by far began on 9-2-11, when I had a 6-month follow-up exam following cataract surgery on both eyes. Now, nearly 6 years later, my pupils are "frozen," meaning they don't contract and they don't expand. And my ophthalmologist stated that he had never heard of anyone having this problem following such an exam (dilation with a bright light shone into the eyes; felt like having the nerves punched, to me). Plus he told me that at some point he would have to dilate my eyes again (I wonder if that would even be possible, given that I can cover my eyes with my hands for 10-15 seconds, look into the mirror, and my pupils are the same as they were before I covered my eyes).

Normally, I don't have much trouble with "ordinary" sunlight now, since I wear a hat with a brim about 3" and two pairs of sunglasses while outdoors. However, glare, especially when reflected off of car windows and chrome, even if it's fleeting, can cause me to wince in pain. And several days ago, while my husband and I were out shopping, I discovered that if I wore a white sweatshirt when it was especially bright out, there was no way I could hide from the painful light, not even when I took my hat off and held it over my face.

The result was days of pain, especially the first three. My eyes were throbbing. Even so, I got online (with tinted computer glasses on, the brightness on the computer turned down to the first bar, and a low-wattage LED bulb in the desk lamp) and began searching for some darker glasses and better hats. Plus, I told my husband to remind me not to wear a white sweatshirt (or any light-color shirt, for that matter) when I'll be outside for long, especially while we're going somewhere.

I found some sun visors for women with a 5-inch brim on Amazon, along with some dark fit over glasses (as in black lens dark). With my eyes the way they are, prevention is what I need, although I do have the BHI Migraine homeopathic remedy that I use instead of any OTC pain reliever, and only use acetaminophen when I do hurt enough to take anything extra (which I have been since our shopping trip). The visors and glasses will be arriving soon (the hats tomorrow). If I can barely see where I'm going, that'll be fine with me. It's no fun lying down, my eyes throbbing, and having a men's black crew sock over my eyes to block out the light (white socks just won't cut it). But at times, that's the only way I can calm down the nerves in my eyes. Of course, I'll also walk into our bedroom, which is kept dark, and let my eyes rest a bit that way. Anything to keep my eyes out of too much light.

Another thing I've found to cut out light is to have one of our indoor drying lines between me and the open blinds and have a towel or shirt hanging on it. Makes an easy, effective curtain, giving me a nice, dark corner where I can have on my desk lamp and read or watch TV. We have the brightness down on the TV, as well, which helps a lot. Plus I don't just sit and watch it. I'll have something or other to do, such as reading a book, so I don't look at the screen that much.

We're going to be painting the inside of the front door, back door, and a couple of windows that have blinds we keep open to look out. We found some Krylon summer green spray paint that we think will help keep more glare out. Unfortunately, the weather isn't cooperating; it was 28 here last night and might get up into the upper 60's but that's just a guess on my part. The temperature and humidity have to be just right. At least I'll have the visors and dark glasses before our next outing. And I won't be wearing a white shirt of any sort. (Hmm. I'll need to think about my light sweater and vest; they're both white, too. At least I have a sweater that's a bit heavier in olive, a vest that's a neutral color, and a heavy jacket that's a navy, plus sweatshirts and "go-to-the-store" plain shirts that aren't white.)

Six years. And I'm still finding things out through trial and error. And oh, boy, do those errors hurt. But what can I, or anyone else who has similar trouble, do but keep on keeping on? As for my ophthalmologist, well, even though he came highly recommended, I wonder how knowledgeable he is about atropine drops if he doesn't know, as I found out through research, that the drops can paralyze the ciliary muscles in the eyes? Or was he merely lying to me, so that I wouldn't sue him for pain and suffering? One never knows, does one?

Sometimes, when I'm out with my best friend, we hold hands. It's not something I'm particularly used to but touch is their love language so I don't mind. I've never been a big fan of physical affection. My mom says I would scream to be let go or put down instead of the other way around. The doctors said the nerves in my skin were super sensitive but claimed it would die down.

It didn't.

I was diagnosed with mild haphephobia when I was twenty one. For a lot although saying a lot for a phobia classified as rare + specific is weird of people with my phobia it sort of goes along with a fear of contamination or assault. I probably fit in that last category but I'm not sure. Touch just doesn't feel good. Skin to skin contact sends my brain into overdrive. I either freeze or fly, especially if the touch comes from behind or is focused on my upper arms, shoulders, or neck.

I try to act like this is not one of my things.That I don't need to be loved with words and a respectful distance. I try to ignore it. My church, my peers, everyone I know besides my mom is touchy. I went to the doctor and when I refused to shake his hand and explained, he said, "Are you seeing anyone about that?"

I tried once. I really did. But God, I just fucking hate touch. It's taken years to get to the point where I don't need to wear gloves whenever I leave the house. My friend, bless their heart, probably doesn't realise they're the first person I've held hands with since elementary school.

I take a few breaths and close my eyes whenever I hug someone or they hug me. (Usually they do the hugging and I don't move). I tell myself this is progress and try to sit a little closer to my pew mate or my bench mate because my bubble is so big and I will not fit in here until it's smaller.