#sensencore

just so lost and alone without him that feels simultaneously impossible to think about replacing him (which wouldnt even be the case right because our relationship and his place in my life is completely unique so he can never be replaced but nonetheless adopting another rabbit would feel like attempting to shove someone into the hole he left), and at the same time like my life has no meaning without a rabbit. like i feel no sense of purpose or direction or even ability to motivate simply for the singular purpose of bettering myself or developing myself. like when sensen was around it was like ok im doing this for him im working hard to provide US with the future i need to work to keep us both in the black AND some because he was medically complex he provided so much structure and meaning and now hes gone and im across the world from where he died pursuing plans i made while he was alive and it has become so hard to work earnestly towards this goal because even being alive without him feels disingenuous. its been more than a year without him and i still feel like i haven't lived a day since he died