HEART  STOPS  never  been  known  to  handle  this  kind  of  heat  from  him  ;  the  only  heat  coming  from  starved  touches  between  classes  and  blazed  up  fire  towards  others  but  not  you  ,  never  YOU  ,  you  were  the  exception  ;  fire  burns  quietly  just  enough  to  keep  you  WARM  but  he  acts  as  if  you  have  done  nothing  but  pour  alcohol  on  him  to  keep  him  ALIVE  . 

                  ❛   WHAT  …  ?   ❜   his  own  fire  will  burst  your  ice  ;  spontaneous  combustion  of  things  pressed  down  ,  pushed  to  the  side  to  hold  his  cheek  gently  when  you  kissed  ;  tug  his  hand  towards  you  walking  through  CAMPUS  to  ignore  the  side  glares  he’d  give  others  ,  king  of  the  world  you’d  call  him  but  he’s  more  the  one  holding  knife  to  throat  ,  isn’t  he  ?  

              ❛   i  gave  you  EVERYTHING  i  had  !   ❜   frost  over  ,  close  up  ,  tears  streaking   down  your  cheeks  ;  princess  ,  darling ,  beheaded  and  crown  falling  to  the  floor  in  DISGRACE  ,  you’re  more  monster  than  human  ,  reaping  whatever  kind  of  anger  you  can  from  HIM  .   ❛   i  gave  you  everything  i  HAD  ,  i  —  until  there  was  nothing  left  for  me  to  GIVE  !    i  could’ve  pretended  i  didn’t  care  about  y  -  you  ,  or  that  you  never  did  enough  for  me  ,  or  t  -  that  you  were  just  someone  to  pass  the  time  with  !   ❜ 

                sobs  torn  from  your  throat  are  more  over  cries  for  HELP  from  years  past  ,   ❛   which  is  EXACTLY  what  you  do  to   me  ,  so  —  so  —  !   ❜

                 ❛   SO  FUCK  YOU  !❜

             THIS  CAN  BRING  ABOUT  no  good  ,  knows  it  deep  in   her  heart  ,  seeing  him  ;  this  person  who  has  all  but  crushed  her  heart  in  his  hands  and  watched  as  he  spits  out  crimson  and  iron  to  clear  the  mouth  of  the  BITTER  FRUSTRATION  that  he’s  never  been  able  to  shed  ,  even  as  a  CHILD  .   some  people  know  how  to  rid  this  bitter  frustration  better  than  others   ---  she  is  nothing   more  than  the  ice  made  out  of  it  ,  he’s  the  gasoline  that  had  been  sparked  up  into  flame  ,  by  his  own  inability  to  exhale  it  through  the  smoke  from  his  NOSE  .

            find  her  throwing  herself  towards  it  with  no  REGARD  ,  she  has  taken  more  pain  than  whatever  fruitless  throws  they  think  they  can  dole  out  ,  wrapping  arms  around  his  waist  with  several  others  as  the  rest  of  the  crowd  that  has  formed  around  them  take  the  OTHER  ,  and  it’s  only  moments  that  pass  before  his  cheeks  are  in  her  hands  ,  cradling  them  like  she’s  afraid  he  might  BREAK  .  ❝   where  ---  where  did  he  HURT  you  ?   can  you  ---  can  you  see  me  ?  ❞

the words spark something in her  —  a line of thought that hasn’t been considered thoroughly enough,  maybe.  it’s a strange thing to realize,  that other people might care about her with the same ferocity that she cares about them   (   though,  maybe not with the same recklessness that she so often displays   ).   “saru i  —  ”   for a long moment,  she’s not sure what to say.  how is she supposed to respond to that?  does she confirm that she doesn’t care?   (   not as much as she should,  anyway   ),   or simply pretend he hadn’t said anything at all?  that doesn’t seem especially wise,  particularly if she wants this line of conversation to stop as quickly as possible.   “i appreciate that you care.”   so skillfully  —  or so she firmly believes  —  does she avoid confirming or denying how she feels about herself.   “i really do,” 

          ❝ —–it gets worst when i’m either TIRED, ANGRY, CONFUSED, SCARED, STRESSED, you name it, mister SARU. ❞

          ❝ right now, i’m ANXIOUS. ❞

the wording presents….  something of an issue,  really.  maybe it shouldn’t.  maybe she should understand clearly without follow-up questions.  but she doesn’t.   “okay.  so,  uh,”   brow creases,  head tilting as she looks up at him.   “are you saying i can as in i should bring up that you said it if anyone asks?  or am i supposed to actively tell people without prompting?”   a pause,  hands clasping in an effort to keep them still,   “or,  um,  are you just being rhetorical?”

EXTREMELY EXHAUSTED STARTERS

Eyes look to the other, then down to his own hands which are, in fact, shaking. It’s slight, something he’d thought to be hardly noticeable, but was clearly enough for the other. Fingers flex, and he exhales a sharp breath. 

          long had it been since the malaysian woman had stepped on board of a federation ship. after being held captive by the klingons for such a long time, it felt utterly strange, yet so familiar, even though the ship didn’t belong to her. it was the crew that brought the familarity, but she found herself having troubles re-connecting with them. they didn’t seem to trust her. philippa couldn’t possibly blame them, there had been days she hadn’t even trusted herself anymore. finding her on her own had become the new standard.  she had spent her time watching the crew members, feeling great relief that everyone seemed to be rather fine. just as they deserved to be. however, she couldn’t ignore the feeling of sadness for she didn’t actually belong there anymore.

           it should have been a much bigger surprise to find her seeking out the company of someone else as she made her way through along the decks of the discovery the other day.  --- less of a surprise that her destination had been none other than the quarters of an old friend. --- philippa had already asked for permission before she actively realized what she was doing. foolish to think she’d be welcome, had he yet been so distant. maybe it was exactly why she had to see him. had to talk to him. to face the kelpien caught her just a little off guard.

                    ❝ --- mr. saru ... i apologize for the disturbance, but i was wondering ... if you could spare me some time.  ❞     i am in desperate need of a friend.