hello! my name is ellie or wish, and i'm henry ledore IRL! i'm the ego or main self in my self-collective: you can find our more about me here! it's so nice to meet you <3
this is a jirai (lifestyle) and whimsy twee (aesthetic) blog! i've been in mental health recovery for the past year now, but i've been relapsing a bit recently (urges to SH, disordered eating, etc.), so jiraiblogging is a way for me to cope... i'm sorry if i make anyone uncomfortable, but be forewarned that many of my posts will be uncomfortable ones! please unfollow/block me at any time if my blog hurts you in any way...
some more about me:
{they/them}
{nonbinary lesbian}
{bodily 20 years old}
{born 6/15/2006}
{cat therian/petre/agere}
{fictionkin}
{diagnosed: adhd, asd, gad, mdd, ocd, stpd}
{undiagnosed: bpd, npd}
{previously known as @/serendipity-sys, @/sayakas-wish)
{main blog/interacts from: @henryledorable}
(userbox by @/landminerui </3)
tag list:
#make a wish! <- posts in general
#wish granted! <- ask responses
#[character]posting <- posts about [character]
keep yourself safe everyone, and i hope you all have a great day <3
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i, wish, have an STPD-based self-collective: a collective of different selves!
if you have a dissociative disorder and take issue with my language/terminology, please let me know: i'll do my best to change the way i word things so as to be more accurate to my experience and less harmful to you! i'm not an expert in psychology and i still have a lot to learn, so my apologies in advance for any mistakes i make!
i am wish generally speaking, but at any moment i may identify as one of the following selves:
whimsy
weary
wonder
wither
additional, seemingly external entities affect my psyche as well:
serendipity
sin
more info on me and my self-collective can be found below! thanks for reading!
other disorder information
my self-collective as a whole is affected by a number of mental disorders aside from STPD (schizotypal personality disorder), which are listed below in alphabetical order. please keep these in mind when interacting with me.
confirmed/diagnosed disorders:
ADHD -> attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder
ASD -> autism spectrum disorder
GAD -> generalized anxiety disorder
MDD -> major depressive disorder
OCD -> obsessive-compulsive disorder
possible/undiagnosed disorders:
BPD -> borderline personality disorder
NPD -> narcissistic personality disorder
origin information
my having multiple selves is caused by the self-disorder characteristic of STPD, more specifically the i-split.
"the patient experiences [their] i, self, or person as being divided or otherwise compartmentalized, disintegrated into semi-independent parts, or not existing as one unified whole. the patient’s complaints must have an experiential quality that may form a continuum from a vague sense of split, ‘as if’ division, to a split that is elaborated in a delusional way."
this section is subject to change, as i continue to get a better understanding of how my i-split affects my psyche.
previously i have used plural first-person pronouns ("we", "us", etc.) to refer to my self-collective, but i am now aware that this is inaccurate. if i do by mistake, that is a holdover from when i considered myself a system; i now know that my selves are not distinct people from me.
CW for mentions of intrusive thoughts.
serendipity (superego, non-self, rank -∞)
a non-self: part of wish's psyche, but wish doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are the ideal to which wish aspires, representing perfection, beauty, and goodness
witnesses all that is felt, thought, done, or said by the self
(supposedly) connected to the psyches of people whom the self-collective wants to impress: these people (supposedly) behold the self-collective through this non-self's witnessing
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
wish (ego, main self, rank 0)
the "true" self: possesses the psyche, IDs as the other selves and their traits in order of rank
bodily adult (20 years old), born 6/15/2006
age regressor
cat pet regressor, therian
gender neutral terms, they/them
apl-spec, aro-spec, ace-spec
AFAB nonbinary lesbian
sayaka miki (puella magi madoka magica) IRL
associated with the color blue
whimsy (self, rank 1)
the first-most dominant self
shy, well-behaved, sensitive
child
henry ledore (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color green
weary (self, rank 2)
the second-most dominant self
quiet, responsible, self-hating
adult
henry ledore (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color yellow
wonder (self, rank 3)
the third-most dominant self
silly, curious, expressive
child
randall ascot (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color red
wither (self, rank 4)
the fourth-most and least dominant self
loud, self-centered, angry
adult
randall ascot (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color purple
sin (id, non-self, rank ∞)
a non-self: part of wish's psyche, but wish doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are everything wish does not want to associate with or be
embodies all impulses, intrusive thoughts, and base instincts, as well as selfish desires and guilty pleasures
wish is hesitant to heed their "advice", which is given in the form of sudden, often unwanted thoughts
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
i emailed my parents some questions about my childhood and they got back to me: they said that they don't remember anything they'd consider traumatic having happened to me, but that they do know i was negatively affected by their arguments and my sister's behavior at the time. my mom's also going to get in touch with our housekeeper, who used to babysit me and my siblings, as she might have some insight. i'm emailing them a couple more questions now, actually...
in any event, even though trauma is a broad concept and it's fairly likely i experienced something that could qualify, i'm finding it increasingly unlikely that i'm a traumagenic system. i feel as though i have to fudge too many details to fit criteria... i am definitely more-than-one, that i can be assured of, but i do think the i-split concept describes my experience more naturally and more accurately.
that being said, i wish there were more of a community around schizo-spec people with i-split (or even with self-disorder more generally). i never hear it talked about: not on here, not anywhere else, aside from wikipedia and some sparse scientific literature... and why? is it really rare? does it get misdiagnosed (like how i originally thought i had a dissociative disorder)? or, i say jokingly, would this hypothetical community of people only be filled with asocial schizo-spec folks who wouldn't interact enough to form a community in the first place?
something that is tricky to parse through is that it is still possible that i'm a traumagenic system... i've mentioned it before, but i have a very vague sense of perhaps something traumatic happening to me while i was very young, though i obviously don't remember what it was: i suspect it involved being accidentally and briefly lost, abandoned, or forgotten, or it involved fighting between my parents or between them and my sister, but i suppose i can't know for sure.
i'm returning to the idea of traumagenic systemhood because, although the concept of i-split describes my experience of more-than-one-ness fairly accurately, it's genuinely difficult for me to tell if my parts are different people or not: recently i've concluded they aren't, but it's hard to say that with certainty.
all i know for sure is that there are multiple "me"s within my head; i plan on asking my parents if they remember anything traumatic happening to me when i was little, and that might give me some insight.
i think my current compartmentalization of "me"s (whimsy, weary, wonder, and wither) would still hold true if i'm a traumagenic system, as for a while now i've split myself up into childlike and grown-up parts, expressive and reserved parts: i remember myself doing so at least as early as 5th grade.
if i am a traumagenic system, though, i'm most likely an OSDD-1b system, as i don't get (or at least i don't think i get) amnesia...
i should acknowledge, though, that part of me may simply "want" to be a system instead of a self-collective, as the concept of the i-split isn't talked about very often and there isn't a community surrounding it like there is for systemhood. there's also much more literature (as far as i could find) on dissociative disorders than on the i-split, so i tend to see more-than-one-ness through the lens of the former, and i may feel as though it is more recognized or "valid". this isn't to say i'm definitely not a system because of these possibilities; i'd just like to be upfront about my biases in terms of evaluating my own experience.
if you have any insight, i'd be happy to hear it! thank you!
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
on the docket in terms of understanding my different selves: there are different "models" by which i can compartmentalize them, and i'd like to figure out which best fits me... selves in each model are ranked in order of dominance.
