alya having a poor reaction to marinette spilling her secret so late could be marinette's fear of being misunderstood being played right in front of her. i feel alya's reaction is how many people who SH were treated after the fact came out, probably how people in MY life would react in fact

she cant tell her boyfriend or parents because what if they are disappointed? or mad? or etc?

someone pls make a fic of this metaphor being hypothetically canon where marinette spills hypothetically and adrien comforts, hypothetically

I have no one to say so I’ll say it here.

In 24h I’ll be dead for 6 years now.

The 14th October 2019 at 21h I’ve swallowed so many pills someone smaller would have died, but I wasn’t smaller. I’ve kissed all my family members, my mom, my dad, both of my sisters and my brother. I’ve told all of them I love you and went in the bathroom. They weren’t worried, I’ve been doing it for years now, knowing one day I’ll be gone and wanted our last words to be I love you. I took twice the dose I planned and spend the worst night ever. Felt my pulse roaming in my body, my breath shortening. I was hot then cold. I was 16 and never planned to be 17.

Then my alarm rang. I woke up threw up and said to my sister I would not go to school that day. I was already planning to go walking on the train tracks but didn’t, I was so weak. I called 811, it’s a number in Canada to talk to a nurse, I wanted to know if I waited would I died. She said no, if I didn’t died in the first hours then I would live. She asked my adress and I gave her after a long pause. 2 minutes later an ambulance was puling in my driveway.

I saw the look in both of my parents’ eyes when they learned their first born tried to kill themself and had been cutting themself for years without them or anyone for that matter ever knowing. I spend 3 days in paediatric then 3 weeks in child psychiatry. I’ve thought about those 3 weeks for 2 years straight, every single day that passed I thought about it and feared of being locked again. Every time I closed my eyes I was in that shower with no lock. Every night I was back in that bed with someone coming to check me every hour. I remembered sitting in my chamber not having the permission to get out of said chamber or even opening the door. Just sitting on that bed waiting. Waiting all day long. The only activities were eating. They tried to speak to me but I was unable. No word were coming out so I sat, I listened them talking till they gave up.

I planned to died that day for a week. I thought last math class, last bus trip, last time seeing my friends. I chosed a long weekend, my sister took nice pictures of us in the back yard with the oranges leaves. I thought it was a good idea, they will have recent pictures where I’m smiling for my funeral. We went to a hunted village for Halloween that weekend. It was a nice weekend. I had plan to died that day at 16 but when I woke up it was the 15th October and I was 17.

At this day my birthday is always tainted with the fact that I wanted to died 1,2,3,4,5 and now 6 years ago day for day. It took 3 more years before looking at me in the mirror thinking I want to live. For 6 years I’ve been cutting myself so deep the scars will never leave, so deep I scared myself many times.

I’ve made a friend and she forced me to be happy. She didn’t care I wasn’t talking, didn’t care I was a bitch wanting to be left alone. No one had ever succeed to get words from me about what was going on in my head cause I never had been able to. I was 20 and told her she saved my life, we both cried that day.

Tomorrow I should have been dead for 6 years. In 2 days I’ll be 23. I don’t want to die even if the idea of my death doesn’t spook me, I still wouldn’t be sad if I died but don’t pursue killing myself anymore. I’ve cut myself for 6 years and haven’t touched a blade in that purpose in 3 years. I’ve always told myself “ not today, not tomorrow, clearly not next week and probably not next month either but one day, ont day I’ll be better”.

Today I feel way better, you don’t realize of much it drowns you, how everything small feels like the end of the world. A bad day doesn’t even last a day now. I can fail and not feel like a failure, I can break things and I still be happy. Breathing is easier, talking is easier, everything is. It’s not perfect and never will be, every years at my birthday the memories come back and I ask myself what if.

I see what I’ve achieved and I’d like to say I wouldn’t have wanted to miss any of it but it would be a lie. My life is good don’t get me wrong.I have a good job, money is good, I have many close friends and relatives I would gave my life for, but I wouldn’t be sad if I died live in the spot. It’s one of the reason I can’t tell them what I tell you, they would worry and I’m a paramedic I know very well how locking someone up is easy if they show any signs of dark thoughts.

Writing it down helped a lot thru my journey in and post depression, I haven’t done it since last year same date in my blue Canada notebook. I hope this post helps someone even if it’s a bit dark and doesn’t give as much hope that everything will eventually by okay but I don’t want to lie. I did for so long, I have to at least be honest here.

Tw:Marturbation, sick jealous, nikto's mental health, violence, non con, theft of underwear,Nikto practicing self harm .

Reader gender neutral.

Pink:your dialogue.

Blue:dialogue of nikto.

Orange:secondary character dialogue.

🔪:1 Week ago. You didn't know if you were being paranoid, you felt eyes on you, at rest, when you talked to someone, when you worked, you always felt like your entire being was being watched, it gave you chills, a feeling of being watched all the time made you sick.What made you most anxious was that it didn't matter where you were, whether you were in the infirmary doing paperwork or helping soldiers,the strange soldier, Nikto, that creep soldier you had attended to a week before was somehow going to be there. Oh discreetly peeked out of the door frame in the infirmary, or in the break that by "coincidence" was always at the same time as you in the place where you always go to rest.

You were looking at the computer looking at some paperwork, your leg moving up and down anxiously, while also biting the cap of a pen. Strangely, everything was very lonely, the weather here was also very cold, therefore the cold breeze did not help you calm down, trying to think of anything other than the same fucking feeling of being watched you've been feeling since you arrived at this new base.Your "tranquility" in quotes was interrupted by 2 soldiers, one was very injured, a bullet wound while the other helped him lean on him. You quickly grabbed the wounded soldier by his shoulders and laid him on the infirmary bed, grabbing the medical supplies to treat the wound you asked quickly. "What happened to him?" "He was wounded in battle." The soldier simply responded somewhat agitatedly.

3 hours passed, the soldier who brought the wounded soldier to the infirmary left, the soldier who was shot was now still being treated by you, disinfectant, trying to find the bullet, disinfectant again, was a process that was necessary to help him.After half an hour,the sound of the door to the infirmary listening from the other side, you were somewhat agitated rushing to treat the soldier and you didn't know if he was a colonel, so you just shouted "It's open!". The soldier was more and less than Nikto. Seemed to have a wound on the same arm you healed them last week.Strangely he looked calm and not in pain, in his calm but thick voice he says. "We need help again, we're hurt."

You said agitatedly, taking a quick look at his arm. "I'm treating the first one for a gunshot wound, could you please sit and wait?" You said, trying to sound as kind and patient as possible, you saw Nikto give the bandaged boy a murderess look. He goes and sits down, but you feel his gaze on you again.

Since that day Nikto always goes to your infirmary, when he wasn't on missions or torturing who knows who on the battlefield, he was hurting himself to go to the infirmary and visit his favorite doctor, Although of course you didn't know that, but you weren't stupid, you knew that it wans't a coincidence that him always went to your infirmary for the same wound from the same combat knife,But every time you wanted to bring up the subject, every time you discussed it, he avoided the topic and only told you that he gets hurt a lot with knifes in battles. Obviously this is very suspicious considering that firearms are used in confrontations, and Nikto is one of the most violent and strong soldiers, so you doubt that they are made by someone outside. One day, quite intrigued and somewhat scared by his behavior, you look for him in files and ask superiors,you manage to have personal information, although they only limited themselves to telling you that He is an insane soldier, tortured by enemies caused "a screw to come loose" and horribly disfigured, this also bringing what is most characteristic of him is speaking in the third person due to his trauma, a soldier who uses extremely deadly and painful techniques, being known for torturing others and being savage.

This obviously gave you chills and a bad feeling about him so you tried to avoid it, but he always gave those short but disturbing words that came out of his mouth with that Russian accent. "Why do you look so nervous, pretty doctor?" "We could easily tie you up and take you away, isn't that funny?" "We like it when you touch us with your hand on the wound." ""If anyone bothers you, tell me and I'll cut their throat." "Today your hair smells different, what shampoo did you change?"

🔪

He always sneaked into your room at night, no matter if you were gone or asleep, one of the things he loves is your scent, he steals your underwear and he brings it to his nose, exhaling the aroma as his hand goes up and down on his needy cock, while he sits in the bed where you pretty body lays and sits, or just sneaking in when you were asleep, kneeling down and staring at your face without blinking.

🔪

You didn't even feel safe in your room, not even the foundation or anything, you noticed that your underwear had a strange white substance, but you just thought it was detergent, fooling yourself.Deep down you knew someone was watching you harassing and evading your stuff, but you don't know who, you're so stressed out being a doctor that you just You want to think that you don't have to worry. The superiors have noticed the change in Nikto...

•Thursday, September 29, 2023•

You were working in the infirmary, one of the superiors knocked on the door. "It's Open", you said in you tired voice", but quickly sitting up straight when you saw that it was your superior.

"we need to talk about a certain soldier, Nikto."

Trigger warning: Blood, Self-Arm and Glitch under cut

Detention for Severus

"I am very disappointed in you, Mister Snape. I thought a student as gifted as you would not resort to physical violence when you find yourself in a disagreement with your classmates. Mister Lupin, take your friends to the hospital Wing."

Severus watched as Potter and Black departed, pinching their nose so that blood would not fall on their robes. They gave him a vengeful look, and he felt his heart drop: it would get worst... So much worst, and yet, it could never be as worse as what had already happened.

McGonagall spoke again.

"You will serve detention with Hagrid tonight. He needs help with some of the animals. Please be in my office at 6pm."

Severus nodded, glad she finally seemed willing to let him go. He was relieved of his punishment, as Hagrid was kind and he liked animals - he tried hard not to look too relieved. But it was easy in the end, as he felt so angry and humiliated his nails started to dig in his arms' skin: she would never understand.

---

Minerva watched as the 16 years old Slytherin sat on the floor, cleaning a cage Hagrid had been using to keep a litter of hedgehogs he had cared for the whole winter and had recently set free just behind his house. Hedgehogs were adorable animals, but definitely not clean ones unless domesticated. Severus slightly rolled up his sleeves as he reached the bottom, worried he would get his only set of robes dirty.

Minerva was about to turn away, but something caught her eyes; red, thin scares on the boy's skin.

"Yeh are doin' a great job at this, Mister Snape", Hagrid told him, kneeling beside him. "Look what I've got here."

He carefully took something out of his pocket, which Minerva did not recognise at first; it was a small, ginger kitten which Severus slowly put down on his lap. She observed as the boy gently stroke his fur, looking more gentle and vulnerable she had ever seen him before. After ten minutes, she took a few steps forward, interrupting them.

"Hagrid, may I have word with Mister Snape for a moment, if you don't mind?"

Severus looked surprised. The half-giant just smiled.

"O' course, professor," he replied warmly. "You can go into the house if yeh want".

Minerva nodded, waiting for the Slytherin boy to follow her. He looked hesitant.

"Come on, Mister Snape. I'm not going to eat you."

She closed the door behind her, inviting Severus to sit at the big table in the center of the room. The student looked uncomfortable, looking away, absent-mindedly bitting his lower lip.

"Mister Snape", she said gently, "would you... Would you show me your arms?"

She had done it before. She still did not know how it should be done. She had done it with students from her own house and Filius' house; but it was her first time with a Slytherin, and not any Slytherin.

The boy froze.

"No." He told her firmly, taking her by surprise.

It wasn't his refusal that startle her, of course; but his gaze. It had hardened, and his tone was suddenly so cold she thought for a second she was talking to a different person.

She nodded.

"I understand."

It was Severus' turn to look surprised. He was not used to be listened to.

"Would you like to tell me why you are doing this, Mister Snape?" Minerva tried again, her voice softer. "Anything you need to tell me."

The boy blinked. He did not understand what was happening. It was surreal.

He did not know what seemed the most astonishing, that she seemed to care for what he had to say, or that she was genuinely wondering why he felt so... So desperate for relief?

He hated himself. He should have been more careful. He did not need her pity nor did he want to spend one more second in her presence, a presence he had grown to resent.

"I don't want your help", he told her, with so much hate it was as if he had spat in her face.

Despite his behaviour, Minerva did not give up. Her facial expression did not change.

"Why not?" she asked in a neutral voice, watching as the boy grew more and more agitated.

"I thought I was here to serve detention", he replied, his gaze evasive.

"Things have changed", Minerva answered simply. "I am here to help you, Severus."

It was the first time she called him by his first name. Severus could not help but look up. But he did not speak. Minerva could tell by his body language he was anxious - she pursed her lips as the feeling was communicative.

"I am just human, Severus", she said on a defeated tone, looking for any change in his posture. "I make mistakes and there are some things I don't see."

Something in the boy's chest broke. It was anger that came out - fury as he stood there, looking at this woman who had protected his bullies for fives years, turning a blind eye on the daily humiliations and Dumbledore's favoritism and everything - of course she knew. Of course.

"DON'T LIE!" he shouted suddenly, getting up. Minerva did not move. Severus looked straight into her eyes.

"You know everything. You watch them doing it and you don't care. Why would you care after all?! You only have eyes for your precious Gryffindors. Only them! Always them!"

He was out of breath. He felt disgusting and ashamed. He wanted to shout at her, to force her to look away, anywhere else so that her calculating eyes would stop watching him. She had no right to do this.

Minerva wondered how Albus would have reacted had he been her, confronted to this disheveled student shouting at her. But would he... Would he really find a better way to respond to this boy?

She looked at him again.

He would not.

A lump formed in her throat as she felt a terrible feeling of failure spreading in her chest. What had she missed?

It was funny, James and Sirius taught Snape a good lesson. You should have seen him!

She had heard it. She had thought it was another boy fight. No one had came to complain. So she had forgotten about it.

"Tell me what they did to you", she said firmly, hiding her hands under the table. She was nervous.

Severus was trembling, standing beside his chair, his eyes on his feet. He looked at her.

"Tell me", she repeated in a more gentle manner.

She scrutinised his face. Was it... Shame she was reading there? Shame that prevented him from looking right into her eyes and swallow properly?

"You don't have to be ashamed, Severus." She hesitated. "If someone should be, it's certainly me. I have obviously failed to fulfil my duty as your teacher."

All of them had failed to see the despair on that boy's face and the self harm. She had not seen it only a few hours before, and yet some of the scares she had seen were faded; they were not new.

She decided to go on.

"I apologise for not helping your earlier. But if you tell me what's wrong - or what you think is wrong, I will help you. I promise."

There were students she was more fond of than others, she had to admit it. Severus had never been one of them, on the contrary; but no child would suffer under her watch.

The boy swallowed with some difficulty.

"I don't trust you", he told her coldly. There was venom in his voice. "I don't want your promises. Let me go."

"You do not have to trust me. You just have to know that as your teacher I will do anything in my power to help you get better."

It was too much.

"Then EXPELL THEM!" Severus screamed, heading toward the door. "PROTECT US!"

He was almost crying. He felt humiliated yet again,by none other than the head of Gryffindor -

How logical.

"Tell me why you need protection, Severus. I need to hear it from you."

"Oh, I don't know", Severus sneered, feeling out of control. "Because they have been bullying me and others for five years? Because they--they took my clothes off? Because they tried to KILL me?"

Kill?

He opened the door violently. Minerva made a movement, she wanted to stop him; but she decided otherwise. He wasn't finished.

"Slytherins, younger students, poorer students like me... What chance do we have against the golden, rich pureblood from Gryffindors? None. None!"

Severus breathed. He had said it. Finally.

"I hate you", he whispered. "You and all of those who have been protecting them. Being expelled from this hell of a place will be the greatest relief of my life."

He did not care. He did not care anymore. Not after what had happened. Not after Lily had left. Not after Dumbledore had told him to be silent. Not after the student who had tried to murder him was still mercilessly bullying him everyday, while he was the one punished, again, again.

He did not care anymore.

"Anywhere's better than here."

He stormed out.

The tears finally fell on his young face, he wanted to escape - but Hagrid was there. He stopped him, gripping his shoulder firmly: Severus turned to look at him, furious.

"Never be ashamed,’ my ol’ dad used ter sad", he told him. "Never."

Severus tried to stifle his sobs.

Minerva was standing in the doorframe, trembling slightly.

"I am going to talk with professor Dumbledore. I am going to talk with the administration board. I'm going to make things right", she said in a toneless voice, searching for Severus' eyes in the declining light of the evening. "Right now."

And she would.

At Severus' feet, a cat started purring.

---

"It is a beautiful spell", Severus said quietly, watching as the bubble like animals floated around them, glimmering in the afternoon light. He frowned in concentration and a cat appeared at the bottom of his wand, leaving him with a feeling of relief he welcomed with opened arms.

It was Hagrid's ginger kitten.

"Do you promise you will use it if you feel the urge to harm yourself, Severus?" Minerva asked gently. "I know it takes time."

The boy did not look at her, his eyes still following the cat until he disappeared in the window light.