Nov 8, 2021
New Life Baptist Church Middleboro, MA
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New Life Baptist Church Middleboro, MA
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Every year you have to get reacquainted with those you love.
I am a firm believer that people change every year and it's up to you and them to get reacquainted with them. You have to get to know people over and over again because everyone changes. Especially in your teenage years and twenties. Your brain is ill equipped to understand all the things you need to, in order to form an opinion or thought on it that wont change. You like different things in your teens, have different opinions, different priorities, different actions and ways that you want to live your life. Each year I get to know wonderful people.
This year I got to know people I've known for years and they are completely different. One in particular went sour. I realized that I didn't like who she turned into, we just didn't mesh well. That doesn't make her a bad person. I'm also not going to degrade her character on here. I'm better than that, it just didn't work. I don't find myself missing her at all. When it first happened, when I first realized it, was six months ago. I realized we'd no longer be the friends that we once were because we didn't get along the same way. I went through the withdraws then and now I'm perfectly fine with not having her in my life, because the ending of us has been the beginning of me. I'll always love her, she's a big part of my past and will be a big part of who I will be.
But there were others that I got to know again and I am glad I did. The most cathartic one being my Ashley Bell. I watched her grow into an amazing individual. We definitely got closer this year and I am so happy for that. Having her has honestly been a blessing. She's basically my rock when things get hard. She is the person I go to when I need to vent. She understands me like no one else and does not judge me. I've been in friendships where I am judged and they are so overly critical I find myself censoring who I am and that's honestly, no way to live. My Ashley has never made me feel like that.
The next would be a good friend of mine. I watched him go from someone with no hope, to someone who tries to look on the bright side. He's taught me to laugh at my problems, honestly, there's nothing else that can be done about some of them. He's grown so much as a person in just the last few years and I just find that amazing. I have such high hopes for him. He was there for me every time I wanted to break down. I would laugh instead, because of him. At times when everyone I lived with was against me, I knew I still had him. This was what made us the closest. I was able to tell him when I disagreed with him. We fought once or twice but not terribly. He's the first guy I've felt okay about being myself with and no one knows what that means to me. I can't thank, what ever is out there looking down on us, enough for putting this person in my life.
Then there's my Amber and her beautiful daughters. Amber and I have been through a lot. This year seemed to awaken a sleeping giant when we started talking again. It was as if the last few years of barely talking never happened. We are so close again and it proves the saying, "You can never go home again." to shame. Our friendship honestly feels like home to me. It was the first friendship I have ever had where I was treated respectfully. Yes, we didn't talk for two years, yes we let a guy get in between us, but before that, and after that, there's nothing but respect, love and admiration for each other. I have gotten to know her the best this year. She's now an amazing mother of three, matured, married and completely amazing. When I needed to get out, she was there every time. When my Grandmother passed and I had no one, I called her. I was tipsy but she still came with just three words, "I need you." It was almost nine or ten at night and she showed up when no one else could see my pain, she did. That's an amazing friend and I just hope I can become half as amazing as this one.
The next person I have gotten to know is the most important one for me to get to know. It's one that I lost in the in the chapter of "My Best Friend and Me." It was myself. For years I have been doing only what others wanted or needed of me. This year I have matured. I am no longer Laura and someone else, I am just Laura. I have learned that I need to be more assertive, place boundaries and limitations. I got so lost in doing everything for everyone else, no questions asked. I let people walk all over me and that's not who I am, it never has been. I gave and gave and gave and gave to people and they just never seem to appreciate it. Then, when I finally had enough, no one knew that I was even suffering or upset about it. I kept all of it inside of me and it just became too much. Yes, these people should've asked or seen. In the end, all I have is myself. All anyone has is themselves. I can't expect that others will see what they do to me and stop, I have to stop them from doing it. It's easy to take advantage of others without realizing it and that's what happened. I kept everything inside so that I wouldn't hurt anyone and I ended up hurting myself. I'm no where near done getting to know myself or any of the above positive people in my life. I need to find out what it is that interests me, what pushes my buttons, what makes me happy, what I want to do with my life and so much more. I know I am an amazing friend and I hope I continue to be such, without losing myself in those friendships. My friends matter, they do but I matter as well. I can't forget that. <3
The real me...now how about the real you?
"It is easy to live for others, everybody does. I call on you to live for yourself ~ Albert Camus" Honesty isn't something many of us are good at. I know some may consider it a blanket statement on my half and others may have a slight inkling of what I'm trying to say. See the thing is, not many of us want to tell the direct truth in fear of being just, you, all boring and bland. Others, don't out of the desire to be a hero/ protector of another's feelings. But ironically in all truth, is it not so that we would be viewed in a "better" light? For the past few days I haven't put out any post because I was not anywhere near a computer nor did I have the zeal to write even if I was. This is not because I wasn't myself or because I ran out of things to say...on the contrary it was because of you, my followers. I received a private mail from someone wondering why is it I have been so inconsistent and that I inspire them. The regular human in me responded first and I loved the feeling of being depended on. Then my true being took over, I despised the feeling mainly because here I was bestowed upon with responsibility that could make or break someone. I know...here it is I wanted to help people and make a difference but on finding out I was I could not deal with that pressure. Am I the first to have these feelings? I'm sure I'm not. Am I special for admitting so? No, but I dare say I'm amongst the few who have owned up to these feelings. Putting out a column of substance and quality is no easy feat, and I'm still wet behind the ears and absolutely terrified of bricking it. But I also received another mail of someone saying very few words but strong words they were, "I'm glad I'm not alone in this world and you feel the way I do" I don't know if 'twas someone having a laugh or if they were serious. But those words weirdly enough gave me a perspective that,it's ok for me to fail for me to want to not be a hero and not be able to help. I know some of you maybe cringing your brows at this stage. See it like this, like the truth we HAVE to say it we HAVE to feel this way. If we don't, we stop change we stop the hope of things getting better of being happier, and I know you may say no change still occurs, but it doesn't. All you've succeeded in doing is creating a limbo bubble and that bubble is a time bomb awaiting implosion or explosion and resetting us to the point before the bubble was created, this time burdened with more than we should have, had the truth been told. No one likes the truth, no one likes saying " I'm not your hero/prophet/guiding light" especially when they believed they are viewed as such. But these are the points of life that we have to own up to, that we have to be ok with, because if we don't, we too would be creating our personal bubble when we, just smile & make'em think.
Over Analyzing Self Actualization
I've reached englightenment, and it's just what others before me said it would be. Disappointing. I've watched walls crumble down around me, and I've tried my best to build them back up.I want to pull the wool back over my eyes When you question your own ego, you've really got to question if you believe anything anymore. What do you believe, when you no longer believe your own bullshit.
There is no truth, just a myriad of vague misconceptions hang from the branches of the tree of knowledge. There's no need to wait for the snake to temp you. You're welcome stuff your face.
My gluttony isn't in knowledge. I've had my fill of that so long ago. My gluttony isn't to make myself better, because after all I'm just human. My gluttony is in solitude, because I'll only let others down...
When I pass the pretty girl and she smiles my way. I simply smile back. I say nothing. I make no advance. I say to myself: "I don't know you, but you can do better." I then tell myself, I imagined it all and there's no need to make a foolish scene.
Later in and out of body experience I see myself in three. The ego checks craigslist the next day to see if he's mentioned in the missed connections. The cynic laughs and chuckles when the ego finds nothing. The realist tells the ego, you can't expect her two take five minutes to write about you, when you didn't take two minutes to ask her name. The cynic thinks he's won. The realist tells him that the cynic will be the destruction of them all. The realist is right. The cynic knows this, and deep down he hopes one day soon, he loses....
Ambition is on a holiday. Contentment is currently house sitting and occassionally feeds his creative cat.
Hope quietly hung himself a while back. Rationality is currently leasing his apartment, and is occasionally haunted by Hope's ghost. He thinks it will completely fade soon, but doesn't mind sharing the space.