#seeing him

His body looked like it was glowing as he approached, the suns light outlining his silhouette in gold. Lance slowly knelt down in front of him and reached forward, cupping Keith’s cheek in his hand. Keith completely melted under the soft touch, Lance’s skin sending warm honey through his veins and causing his body to fall slack. As he inhaled again, the scent of Lance filling his lungs, he realized how much he missed him. He hadn’t ever let himself truly miss Lance before, and as he let the fullness of that feeling wash over him for the first time, he had to stifle back tears. He’d never realized how much he craved Lance’s touch because he’d never let himself indulge before, never let himself get close enough. But now that he had Lance here, soft palm cradling the side of his face like he was something fragile, the longing building in his chest was almost insatiable. And it scared him.

His fear clawed its way through his dream and the scene around him blurred. When his vision refocused, his gaze was now fixed on the mark running down his chest. And when he looked back up at Lance, he was looking at the mark too.

No.

His blue eyes seemed to grate over his chest, taking all of it in; all of him in.

Don’t look. Don’t look at it.

Keith was struck with a deep sense of panic. The last person he wanted to see him like this was Lance.

Don’t look at me.

The soft touch against his cheek suddenly ignited as he remembered what was beneath it, and as he struggled to gain his bearings the dream shattered completely. Now, he found himself in the hallway of the castle ship. He was cold, his muscles were stiff, and his head felt heavy. The light was no longer golden but harsh and white, and the only breeze came from the quiet humming of the nearby vents. As he regained his breath he was hit with the sweet smell of coconut, but unlike before, the scent didn’t calm him. Lance was really there, he realized, and he was really touching him. When he finally looked up, frantic, his eyes were met with a gaze of solid ice. The ocean blue of Lance’s eyes had frozen over in the harsh white light, and he was looking at Keith like he was scared of something. For a moment, Keith was unable to look away from him. But Lance’s gaze burned cold and sent ice through his veins, and all he could do to keep from freezing over was stand and tear their gaze apart. As he stood, Lance’s hand was torn from his cheek, and Keith was immediately struck by how empty it felt without his touch. A sense of loss immediately settled into his stomach, followed by an intense sense of longing. No matter how long he’d fought to suppress these feelings, his body still wanted Lance, craved him, as if Keith had no control over this at all. That thought scared him even more.

Before he’s fully awake, Keith’s already running.

Lance stared down at his open palm, furling and unfurling his fingers. His hand felt like it was on fire, as though Keith’s mark had somehow branded his skin with the memory of how it had felt to touch him. He couldn’t stop thinking of the way Keith had looked at him the other day, or the way he’d recoiled from his touch as though he’d burned him. He couldn’t help picturing Keith’s bare back as he had turned away from him, walking down the corridor and shutting him out again. The scenes kept playing over and over again in his mind on an endless loop, and as long as they continued to play, his palm continued to ache. Distantly, he heard someone calling his name.

“Lance? Lance?” He felt a pillow hit the side of his head, Hunk’s voice finally registering and drawing him back into reality. As usual, he’d spent the night playing video games with Hunk and Pidge well into the late hours of the castle’s cycle. “Are you even listening?”

“Oh… yeah. Sorry, what were you saying again?” Lance fidgeted under Hunk’s gaze, the worry in his eyes cutting clean through him. Pidge and Hunk were hovering by the common room doors, staring at him from his position on the couch with creased brows.

“We’ve finished cleaning up, and we’re heading back to our rooms now.” Pidge glanced up at Hunk, who met her worried expression with one of his own, before reverting her eyes back to Lance.

“Oh… right.” Lance’s cheeks burned, but he forced his face into a warm smile. “Night guys.” Pidge paused for a moment, looking unconvinced. After a few moments she sighed, relenting, before offering him a small smile and turning to head out of the room.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Hunk said, pausing to take one final glance over his shoulder before following Pidge out the door.

“Yeah.” Lance turned and faced him, giving him the most reassuring smile he could muster. “Sorry man, I’m fine. Just tired is all.”

“Alright… if you say so.” Hunk smiled weakly back. He hesitated for a moment longer in the doorway, but ultimately, decided to leave Lance alone with his thoughts. The door closed with a near silent click, and with that, they were gone.

Lance had intended to go back to his room, he really did. But when he arrived at the sleeping corridor on his way back from the common room, he found that he’d rather just… keep going. Although his eyes burned from a lack of sleep, Lance was far too restless to settle down. And besides, he wasn’t entirely sure that his body, composed entirely of coiled muscle and wired nerves, would have let him sleep even if he’d wanted to. So he listened to it, letting it carry him down the hall and further into the castle.

Lance was surprised when he eventually found himself in the training portion of the castle, not entirely sure how he had gotten there. As he slowly fell back into his body, he eased his pace, wandering down the halls at leisure. Soon, he began sliding his fingers down the smooth surfaces of the corridor. He took his time as he did, watching his fingers as they traced down the wall in long, swooping lines. When his hand brushed glass, Lance knew he’d stumbled upon the doors to the training room. What he couldn’t quite figure out was how, at this hour, he had also stumbled upon Keith.

He stood, wide-eyed and slack jawed, as he stared at the view of Keith he’d somehow managed to capture below his fingertips. Legs frozen in place, he withdrew his hand and watched from behind the door as Keith lunged forward and took a bot out clean. Taking two steps back, Keith seamlessly transitioned the sword to his left hand and stabbed another bot to his side. With his sword still buried in the bot’s chest, he swung his sword and took out another. For a moment, Lance was awestruck. Keith’s movements were faster now, more confident. His body held a certain strength that Lance had never seen before; he could see it in the way he stood tall as he attacked, and etched into the muscles running down his back. But, the longer Lance watched, the more he realized that no matter how much Keith had changed, his fighting style was still the same. Although Keith’s swing was sharper and more accurate than it used to be, he could still sense its recklessness. Although the frame that charged forward had more skill, the boy that drove it still fell pray to the same habits. For a moment, the knot in Lance’s chest loosened. No matter how different he became, Keith would always be, well, Keith. The same Keith he’d always known, and –

The same Keith who had left him.

The thought slammed into him, knocking him back into reality with a force. Unmoving, he watched quietly for a few moments as Keith finished off the rest of the bots, and as he stopped to wipe his brow. As he watched, he slowly steeled himself, digging his nails into his palm. Suddenly, Lance was storming through the training room doors before he even realized he was angry.

When Keith heard the loud bang! of the training room doors swinging open, his first reaction was to whip his head in the direction of the sound. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting to see as he did, but he definitely wasn’t expecting Lance.

At first, Keith was completely dumbfounded as he beheld the tall boy now standing in front of him. He was usually the only one who stayed up this late into the castles cycle, and even if anyone did happen to be awake at this hour, the training room was a far distance away from the main living area. As Keith continued to take him in, he slowly registered the way that Lance had strode into the room, and the angry expression he currently wore. Quite frankly, he looked pissed.

On instinct, Keith’s first reaction was to be annoyed. Lance had suddenly barged into his training session, at God knows what hour, and somehow had the audacity to be mad at him about it? He almost opened his mouth to scold him, but then the full reality of the situation hit him. With a pang, he remembered where he was, and why he was there. Keith slowly retreated back into himself and said nothing, the fire having died in his throat.

“There it is!” Lance’s voice echoed loud throughout the silent room as he spoke, the outburst causing Keith to flinch. “Why do you keep doing that?” Keith blinked in surprise, once, twice, before composing himself enough to answer.

“Doing what…?” His voice was quiet in comparison, the confusion in his tone evident. Lance huffed in exasperation, as if Keith should already know.

“That!” He sighed again as he spoke. “Just… looking at me like that.” When Keith continued to stare on in shock, Lance groaned in frustration. “You look at me like, like you’re hiding Keith!”

At that, Keith felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Helplessly, he continued to stare on, mouth agape and at a complete loss for words. He hadn’t been expecting Lance to barge into the room so late at night out of nowhere, and he definitely hadn’t been expecting him to be angry – especially not this angry. Before he could even consider getting a word in edge wise, Lance continued.

“Trying to hide from us!” Lance coiled his fingers into tight fists at his sides. For the first time, Keith noticed how badly Lance was shaking. “Trying to hide from me.”

“Lan-“

“Why?” Lance’s voice was suddenly quiet, coming out just above a whisper. “Why do you keep avoiding us? What did we do?” As Lance met his eyes, Keith swore his heart shattered.

“We used to be able to talk… and now you don’t tell me anything.” Lance’s voice broke as the words continued to spill messy from his lips. Slowly, he took a deep breath in. “I know that we used to fight a lot… but I thought… I thought that we still trusted each other.” Now that he’d started, Lance couldn’t stop the words from pouring out. He could feel himself slowly coming undone, his entire body shaking with hurt and anger and confusion and a million other emotions he didn’t have the names for. “You came back without a word, and I was happy to see you. But you’re acting like you don’t trust us anymore. Like you don’t trust me at all.” Lance was silent for a moment, staring at the ground.

“Lance, I-“ Instinctively, Keith reached forward to try and touch him, to try and comfort him.

“Don’t touch me, Keith!” Suddenly, Lance seemed to come back into himself. He swatted at Keith’s hand, angry tears beginning to burn at the sides of his eyes. “You came back out of the blue and won’t tell us why, but worst of all, you left the same way! You just left, Keith. You didn’t tell us why you were going or how long you’d be gone for. You barely talked to us for almost two whole years.” He paused for a moment, gathering himself. “Why did you leave? Why did you even come back?”

“I didn’t want to leave!” It felt like Lance’s words had slapped him across the face. Keith’s head spun as he spoke, all of his emotions seeming to rush to the surface at once. “Lance, you have no idea why I did what I did. The things I had to do to keep you all safe, the things I always do to protect you.” His voice was raw and defensive, and his words were sharp. They splintered up his throat and cut along his tongue as he spit them.

“You didn’t have to!” Lance’s reaction was instant and strong, making the tears now streaking down his face look almost frightening. “You’re right, I have no idea! Because you never talk to me!”

“You wouldn’t understand.” Keith stiffened, turning his head to the side.

“How do you know?” At that, Keith looked back up. “How could you possibly know that?” Lance’s voice was accusing and cold, but his eyes held nothing but hurt. “You don’t know anything about me anymore.” Stunned, Keith didn’t say anything. He couldn’t, not when Lance looked at him like that, and not when he knew that he was right.

“Why won’t you let me in?” Lance staggered forward, suddenly shoving at Keith with an open palm. “Why are these walls so high?” Lance pushed him again, this time, with more force.

“Lance-“

“Why.” Lance squared his shoulders and, using both hands, shoved at Keith again. Keith stumbled, taking a few steps back. “Won’t you.” This time, Lance lifted his palm like he was going to slap him.

“Lance!” Keith caught his wrist before it could strike his cheek, holding him firm.

“Let me in.” Lance swung with his other arm, but Keith caught that one as well. “I want to understand!” Keith tightened his grip as Lance struggled in his grasp; tears now free flowing down his cheeks. Lance gasped and hiccupped and writhed until Keith felt himself lose his footing, and within moments, they were tumbling to the ground.

Keith landed flat on his back, absorbing the impact of them both as Lance landed on top of him. However, the pain felt distant when he looked up at Lance, with his head bowed over Keith’s chest, shaking and crying on top of him. Lance had landed with his legs on either side of Keith, straddling him at the waist. His hands lay open and empty on Keith’s chest, the tears they failed to catch soaking into Keith’s t-shirt. Seeing him like this made it hard for Keith to breathe.

“I-“ Keith opened his mouth to speak, but stopped when he noticed a jagged, white scar lining Lance’s hip. In the fall, his t-shirt had ridden up his chest; revealing just enough skin for Keith to get a good, long look at it. Instinctively, he reached his hand forward and grazed the mark with his fingertips. To leave a mark like this, the wound must have been deep. It must have been excruciating.

“What are you doing?” Lance said weakly, unmoving. His tears had slowed, and his voice sounded hoarse and raw. But Keith could barely hear him.

Seeing a new scar on Lance and not knowing where it came from terrified him. He desperately wanted to know who had hurt him, and how. He wanted Lance to tell him who and what had caused him pain, and he wanted to take that pain away. All this time, he’d imagined Team Voltron staying the exact same as how he’d left them, but that wasn’t true at all. They had fought battles and wars and had cried and gotten hurt just like he had – he had new scars of his own, and so did they. The realization that he had no right to ask Lance about his scar hurt him more than he ever anticipated, but the realization that he could do nothing about it hurt him even more. All at once, he understood why Lance was so upset with him. He felt his anger crack and dissipate, and before he even realized he was moving, he was scrambling upright. When Lance looked up at him, the two of them eye-to-eye, Keith grabbed his teary face, drew it forward, and kissed him.

“Keith!” Lance drew back in surprise, eyes wide, only for Keith to pull him back in. “What are you- mmmff!”

Keith knew that this was sudden, and a little bit crazy, but he didn’t know what else to do. He’d suddenly become overwhelmed with a desperate need to protect Lance that he couldn’t quite describe, and the intensity of that feeling left him unable to hold back. He wanted to know that he was safe, and the best way to know that for sure was to feel him. He was never good with words, but he hoped that Lance would somehow understand the overflow of emotion he was desperately trying to convey in the only way that he knew how.

Lance struggled at first, but his efforts were all lackluster. His mind was screaming at him, reminding him that he was angry and upset and that this situation made absolutely no sense. But every time Keith drew him back in, and every time he felt Keith’s lips against his, the voice in his head completely quieted. Keith was kissing him so intensely that he could hardly believe how gentle his hands were as they held his cheeks. And Keith’s hands… Lance could feel them shaking. Tears began rolling down his face again, but this time, he didn’t quite know why. When he felt Keith brush them away with his thumbs, touch so light and gentle it sent a shiver down his spine, he completely melted into him.

Now Keith was kissing him, really kissing him, craning his neck upwards and dipping into his mouth, because Lance was letting him. And he was kissing him back. Keith had been gone for so long without a word, and there was so much that had been built between them that had never been spoken aloud, and Lance could feel it as the weight of each crashed down on them both. How much they’d missed each other, and how much pain they’d endured alone. Every word that had ever been left unsaid between them, and every worry they’d ever had for one another. Slowly and silently, something had developed between them and Lance hadn’t realized what it meant until all of his hurt and anger had been quieted with something as simple as the feeling of Keith’s lips against his. Unable to process the rush of emotions that had suddenly devoured them both, Lance swayed in Keith’s lap.

“Lance!” Keith caught him as Lance’s body gave, slumping forward. Lance’s breath drew heavy from his chest, and with his head dipped down, it brushed hot against Keith in small, shaky bursts. “Lance.” Keith meant for his tone to sound comforting, but instead his voice came out a quiet plea. In response, Lance grabbed onto Keith’s wrist for support. Breathing a small sigh of relief, Keith slowly eased him back up, hands immediately reaching up to cup Lance’s face so he could study him. Lance’s lips were dark and swollen, his face was flushed pink, and his cheeks were still wet and lined with all the tears he’d shed. Underneath the swollen red of his eyes, the deep blue of his irises were practically swimming, and there was so much pain in them that Keith cracked. “I’m sorry, Lance.” His voice broke and hitched in his throat. “I’m so sorry.”

Lance slowly drew Keith’s hands away from his face, letting them fall between them. He didn’t have the words, or the energy left to speak them, but he knew what he wanted to do. All he’d ever wanted to do. Silently, he reached his arms forward and pulled Keith into his chest, as though his frail arms could somehow protect him.

And they could. Keith let himself get drawn in, and let himself lean into Lance’s chest. Lance was warm and his skin was soft and he smelled so much like home that Keith couldn’t help but cry. In the comfort of Lance’s arms, he finally let himself feel what he’d been hiding from for so long, and it felt okay. It didn’t feel wrong. He wrapped his arms around Lance’s middle, hugging him close, and let himself feel safe for the first time in years.

The next morning, Allura walked into the training room only to find them fast asleep on the floor, tangled in each other’s arms.

End of Chapter Three. Previous || Next