#secretshurt

Sorry I never finished elaborating on my ex boyfriend, but now I;m forced to give a bit of a summary because this story pertains to him. 

     We met at a party but didn’t start talking until months later when me and my then husband decided to go our separate ways. First two months were awesome, even took me to six flags and booked a pretty luxurious hotel for us during fourth of July weekend and it basically was the best time ever. A week after that weekend, we went out of a friend’s birthday and since no one knew we were dating, he got extremely upset that I was going around our group of friends and talking to everyone as to not show favoritism. This led to him having a meltdown where he tried to drag me out of the club to go home. Later he called stating he got out of an uber and was thinking of jumping off the highway bridge. Fast forward a bit into that night where he ended up hospitalized and when I went in to see him, he said he had zero respect for me and that everything that happened was my fault and topped it off by spitting on me. Later on throughout the relationship (yes I stayed, I know) things were pretty chill except I would get the occasional comment about why don’t I dress differently or “If you don’t do this for me, then I’ll call my other girlfriend to do it” type of comments. Those always left me feeling terrible about myself to the point that I contemplated suicide one day because I felt as I can never make a relationship work. One day after about six months in, I found out that he was snooping through my phone to see if I was texting anyone or looking for a way out of the relationship. This prompted me to snoop and I found out he was talking to some girl for about three months. This led to a huge argument and I was trying to kick him out of the house but somehow he talked me into not breaking up. This phase didn’t last long because he started making more and more comments about my appearance or my actions, specially calling me a terrible mother. One day back in March, he started to openly speak ill in regards to the father of my child and I fought back because NOBODY speaks ill about the father of my child. SPECIALLY after her dad was soo accommodating when it came to shifting our visitation schedules due to emergencies or trips he always suggested. That night ended with him putting a loaded gun to his head in my closet and me having to talk him out of doing anything, then me taking apart the gun and hiding pieces around my house. All of this happened while my then 2 year old was asleep in her room. Safe to say, a restraining order came into play and well I thought that was it.

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

   My dumbass texted him a month into the restraining order because I was having an issue with my car tires and I wanted to see if he remembered which ones I recently bought. One thing led to another and we were hanging out in secret. A ton of emotions flooded me because I was feeling so good while we were separated and I though I was grown enough to handle bullshit and help him out. The arguing started up again, this time it was more like on a weekly basis and I do have to take responsibility because most of the shit started because I though I still cared for him romantically but I actually didn’t so I kept kinda breaking his heart until he legit broke. After me explaining and apologizing time and time again and stating that I think it’s better if we just never talk to each other, the switch in his brain got set to revenge. He wanted me to feel as shitty as he did so he would threaten me saying that he would tell m kid’s dad that him and I are talking so that way my ex could take full custody. He would force me to hang out when I really didn’t want to and would throw a huge fit when I said I didn’t want to be intimate.  

      Point is, we kept going back and forth being nice and cordial to him throwing a tantrum because I wouldn’t act as I was in love with him. But July 10th....went to a different level...

      The plan for that day was that I was to go to his place to eat, play the switch, shave some body hair in prep for our massages the next day, and just take it easy. I knew something bad was going to happen the minute I walked in because he forcefully grabbed me and kissed me. After that awkward entrance, I pretended to act as if it didn’t bother me and we talked about our work life. We ordered food and were about to go and pick it up when he said he heard a rumor that I was sleeping around with my coworkers and said “you can say whatever you want about what I heard, I wont believe you.” So please, anyone tell me, how would you react if you hear such accusations and then are told that whatever you say it’s a lie. So I got upset and said that those rumors are false and I can’t believe he would say that out of nowhere and assume it was true. So in true me fashion I tried to keep quiet as to not make matters worse. We got n the car to go pick up food and he was purposefully driving like a maniac to scare me. He wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say and while he was getting angrier he kept saying it was all MY fault. I didn’t want to stay quiet after hearing that and that was when he lost complete control.

      We were five minutes away from his apartment and he’s still yelling at me and out of nowhere, he punched me straight on my jaw. Immediately I froze and started to tear up. I never thought I could break someone to this point. All I could think of was of him saying how much he loved me but yet he straight up punched me in the face. Keep in mind, I’m 5′1 and 130 pounds, hes 5′10 and about 185 who lifts a decent amount so that punch was rough. We pulled up to the parking lot and he kept yelling and I didn’t want to cause a scene so I said lets just go inside and started to get out of the car when he grabbed my arm and dragged me back into the car, hitting my head on the car on the way in. I was scared at this point. I had to make a choice, either I stay quiet and not do anything and just see what happens, or do I try and fight back in some way shape or form the next time he goes for a hit just in case it escalates to the point where a coroner is in there determining time of death, they can at least say I died fighting for my life. So we’re inside eating and I’m not eating as much because my face hurts from getting punched and it hurt to chew. To be 100% honest, I don’t remember exactly what our exchange of words were. It might have been something along the lines of me saying that I don’t ever want to be in a relationship with him and that I do not love him , but that was enough for him to slap me..repeatedly. Then I kept saying how I wanted to just leave before things got worse, so he hid my car keys and my phone. This made me mad so I repeated my statement on how I don’t love him and I would rather be at home. That is when he first started to choke me....

     I always knew that strangling someone takes a ton of time and effort so its usually committed by a very passionate person. He was feeling extremely passionate that day because I have never feared for my life before. I can still remember the feeling of him grabbing my throat and squeezing until I could barely move. Obviously, I freaked and started asking why tf would he do this if he claims to love me. His reason is because I’ve hurt him so many times and he couldn’t contain his anger anymore so he wanted to take it out. After that answer, I knew I needed to leave so I walked out and tried to get away as fast as possible but I wasn’t successful and he got me back. I was so scared and mentally prepared to fight back that at one point I said I started feeling repulsed by him after the last time I stayed the night and I said I didn’t want to have ex, yet as I was falling asleep, he grabbed me and decided he would take care of his business anyways. Yup....so because I called him out on it, ie called him a rapist, that led to another, longer rampage. This time started by him cutting up my sweatshirt, then he pushed me on the bed and was commanding me to get him ready for sex. Since I refused, he grabbed me, pushed and pulled me against the walls and when I eventually landed on the floor, he climbed on me and started choking me again. This time harder and longer. and when he let me go, the first thing I said was “now your a rapist and a woman beater, good job expanding your resume”. He then grabbed some scissors, cut up my shirt, then stepped on my abdomen instead of stepping around me, oh yeah then he wanted to show me what a “real rapist” would do. We wrestled and he managed to pull my pants down to my ankles, he then grabbed by underwear and ripped it off of me. He was clearly doing everything as a power move so I knew he wasn’t going to try and penetrate me, but I was wrong. Instead he let his hands do the work. I was mortified. 

      He then tossed me back on his bed and I desperately tried to cover myself so I didn’t feel so exposed. Instead he pinned me down, spread my shirt wide open and talked about how disgusting I am. Again, this is coming from someone who “loves me”. He kinda calmed down after that but I kept demanding for my stuff so I could just leave and so things wouldn’t continue to escalate. But that wasn’t the case. I noticed that he choked me so hard that I was bruising. All  could say to myself at that moment was that I need to fight, I need to yell, I need to run or else next time it just won’t be a bruise. I tried to manged to thread a lil lighter, but still demand that I would be let out because this was excessive. He then would push me into the bath tub and turn the water on and demanded I’d shower under his supervision. I stood my ground and said no until he left me alone for a few seconds. I could tell he was exhausted but was still upset and all I wanted was to find my car keys and go home. Point it, similar events repeated, mostly it was more grabbing and throwing and slapping. At one point he was begging me to hit him, and I refused. After a couple of attempts to grab a phone and lock myself in a bathroom failed, he choked me again and said next time, he would grab a knife. After some negotiation, he let me go into a bathroom to pee and i locked the doors against his wishes. He broke into one of the doors with a knife in his hand. I was petrified and told myself that I had to make a run for it. He was sitting there and I said I would take a shower in that bathroom, but i needed my toiletry bag. He didn’t follow me out so I casually grabbed my wallet (since its all I could find) and ran out the door as fast as I could. I didn’t go too far because I figured he would find me if I was walking the streets, so i hid behind a stairwell. After I stood there for about 10 minutes, I knew I had to find a way to contact someone. I was too afraid to go knocking on random people’s doors because we’ve all heard stories about people who pretend theyre hurt and then rob you. Instead I sat on the stairs on the second floor until a female tenant walked out and asked if I was okay. I told her I was hiding from someone and she kindly let me in and helped me calm down and bandaged a couple of wounds I didn’t know I had. We talked for a good 30 minutes or so until I decided to call my own phone to be able to get my stuff back. She said I could go,and gave me a taser on my way out.

     Once I went back to his place, he was completely enraged because he had been looking everywhere for me and I just demanded to get my stuff back. He refused and I was so sick of everything that the minute he turned his back to me, i tased him and he barely reacted....that scared me soo much because I knew he could easily over power me and take it. Which he did. He tased my arm and my neck....

I don’t understand how two people can go from being so close, talking everyday, spending every second together, to barely looking each other in the eyes when we pass.  It almost feels surreal how distant we’ve gotten.  I can’t help but think that things aren’t supposed to be this way, and I keep wishing I could just go back and make things better so it didn’t have to be.  If only you would talk to me so we could work all of this out and go back to the way things used to be.