#secondiui

I haven’t been able to update this - just been busy with life in general. August is such a busy month. Everyone’s had a birthday. And we have been getting ready for our Maui trip.

Around DPO #13, with another negative test, I found myself EVEN more emotional than the first time. Not sure if it was the hormones or if I was just that hopeful this time was going to work out (especially after seeing my a triphasic temperature in my chart) but I was bawling in my car on the way to be beach. I shut down at this point. Didn’t respond to text messages. Only talked to my husband.

I found myself really hurt/annoyed/bothered/upset when friends suggest adoption. I haven’t crossed that bridge yet. And I know people aren’t purposely trying to come from a bad place. But the comments people tell me almost seem like it’s comments to make themselves feel better. “Maybe it’s not the right time” or “There’s always adoption” or “You just need to relax and not stress” or “You still have time, you’re not that old” ... it’s a hard thing to explain from the inside looking out and from the outside looking in, it’s hard to truly empathize. And with that, I’m realizing that I’m becoming more and more private with each treatment. I will openly share and tell friends that we have fertility issues. But during the actual treatment - I am going to be very selective on who I tell; and will probably only tell those that are going through the same process I am. 

AF came on CD #26. So August was a short cycle. I feel like myself again, now on CD #10. But I HAVE to grieve these losses. One day at a time. One cycle/month at a time. One process at a time. Knowing that am IUI cycle didn’t work and suggesting adoption BEFORE I’ve exhausted all our our options was an overwhelming thought that just made me shut down. It was hurtful to even go there. 

No one ever plans on having fertility issues and I always thought trying to grow our family would be a joyful event in my life. But I had to grieve that it’s unlikely I’ll get pregnant after seeing a concert and drinking a cocktail. Or on vacation. Or when we weren’t “trying to try.” And so we move on to the next step, which is this IUI process and we are 2/3 procedures in this year. After the third procedure; and if it does not work, we revisit our options. Do another round of IUI or talk about IVF. And then whatever transpires from that situation to the next. I HAVE to take these in steps, and grieve each process that doesn’t work out. I don’t know how else to cope otherwise. And in my heart, I am still very hopeful because our diagnosis is “sub-fertility” and I feel like I don’t have as many of the hurdles as some couples do. Everyone’s situation is different. 

At this point it’s even questionable if I have low ovarian reserve because my last AMH test was normal. My monthly antral follicle count did decline to 7 follicles from 9 in the month of August. Women my age tend to have 11–15 egg follicles a month. But these follicle counts vary every month... so if anything, I am on the lower side of normal for that. And my husband has low motility, but normal count and morphology... and with the supplements he’s been religiously taking, his counts are normal and 3x the amount they need for a successful IUI. 

So I started doing some research and this book called “It starts with the egg” has been insanely informative...