#second guessed

This man, to me, sees himself as a means to an end. Now, may that be a tool for others’ to utilize him or Carmy himself trying to live his life, I don’t know. But, I do know that this man doesn’t always know how to accept that he’s worth so very much.

Carmen’s drive is admirable. He knows what he can do, who he can be, and how to get there. I would badger this man to the ends of the Earth to gain all his culinary secrets. And, when I finally found him, he would teach me everything. In less than a heartbeat.

Carmen is a giver. He likes to take care of people. There have been many scenes were he's allowed everyone space to find their way while gently encouraging them. It is beautiful to see. He’s not showy about it. Yet we see it in the words of support, the guidance, or the resources provided to others that have skill but don’t have the foundation just yet.

There’s so many thoughts swirling around about Carmen from his utter courage and strength to his willingness to nurture/mentor a talented chef to him trusting explicitly and implicitly in his team…so many thoughts – Carmen is a good person who takes on all the pressure and is quick to put himself on the back burner. It’s why I wrote “He knows he will. He always does.” I don't think he will fuck up in the end. He's just waiting until he does.

And through all this anxiety, he does find beauty and meaning in cooking. Working in the culinary field may not be fun for him for some time as he said with Ritchie down in the random basement (The OG had a basement all this time and we've seen it but once!). Yet, I think he's finding the joy he once had when he's with Sydney.

Their energy is symbiotic...similarly-minded and enjoyed. I can't think of the exact post but I saw where someone showed gifs of Carmen smiling and laughing when he's with Sydney alone together. There's so much between the two.

Sydney is a catalyst. What she brings and offers speaks to Carmen. I haven't quite figured out how to express my experience (read as joy and probable transference) of Sydney over these past two seasons. She has her traumas and MH issues (potentially the acid reflux/GERD she's been experiencing is a physical symptom/outcome). And there's something about Sydney that I haven't been able to put my finger on. Maybe I'm not ready to see all of her just yet.

So, focusing on updating my One Piece fan fiction because my readers over there have been waiting a long ass time and I also fell back in love with that story again. So. Might have to wait a little for updates to MK and HG. On the up side, check out my (considerably smaller) Tumblr for my OP story @hopeless-island and maybe read my story? If you want, you don’t have to. But it is 178,196 words of emotional roller coaster and a slow burn that makes HG look like a tween romance novel. (Not that that’s inaccurate).