#sebine

Man. I’m not really what to say or where to start, but I started this shortly after I was made to kill Sebine, a decision which I up to now am bitter about. At first it began as something to commemorate her and maybe pull a few heartstrings, but after I was cut from the group it became like this big, looming.. thing that I couldn’t force myself to finish. It hurt to look at. It hurt to think of. It still does.

It hurts more when I think of the group and realise that everything I did for the group—Sebine, Xuxa, Lucise, my art, everything—has been quite literally erased from the world. They don’t exist in Noverra. They never existed. My contributions from both a narrative and administrative perspective have amounted to nothing.

I put so much effort into RC—weekly news posts and map updates, strengthening the member network, trying to encourage others to get involved or join. Often I did so as a crutch to make myself feel better about my hectic school life and to feel more in control, which in hindsight I know did a lot of damage to my psyche and relationships, but at the time it was something that gave my life consistency and comfort. It was something that made me feel good about myself.

Now I feel bitter when I see what the group’s been reduced to. I wonder if I’d feel more bitter if it were alive and thriving without me, though. I probably would. I like to think I’ve grown a lot since last year but if I wonder how true that is; I’ve certainly become a lot more lonely.