#scupulosity

"I am so OCD."  I hear this all the time.  It is like a cool coined phrase and people use it to describe just about anything quirky, ordered and  perfectionistic (it is a word now).

Here's the thing....it's a real thing.  It's not just a fun phrase.  For some of us, it isn't fun at all.  It is painful.  It drives our brain.  My head is scrambled all the time.  There is not a moment of rest for my thoughts.  And, the problem is, they aren't pleasant or positive, but destructive and hurtful.

When I diagnosed myself (initially) in 1989, it wasn't even something people knew about.  It was a new diagnosis.  I had to tell my doctor about it.  I had to ask for the medication that was recommended for it.  At the time, my life was spiraling out of control.  I was an anxious, nervous wreck.  For me, it was checking things.  Over and over and over and over and over and over....you get the gist.  I turned things off all the time but I couldn't convince the nagging tic in my brain, the horrible over and over and over "what if you forgot."  I missed times at work and life, in general, because I had to make sure.  If it stopped with just things, it would have been enough.  But, it eeked over into everything, every facet of my life, all my relationships.  You couldn't convince me you loved me.  I had to make sure all the time.  That is a tiresome thing for people who cared about me.  And for me, it was a living nightmare.

For years I have been doing well, ever since the magic pills I was given in 1989.  People make a joke of those too.  They were never a joke to me because I believe they saved my life.

Lately, and repetitively throughout the years, I go through times where the magic pills don't seem to be doing their job.  I feel "off" most of the time.  I worry constantly....about my faith....and the lack of it.  So, the checking is in check, but the nagging constant worry isn't.

I love God and want so much to be enveloped by him.  The problem is, I doubt always, constantly.  I feel mostly like I am alone in this.  Everyone I know who believes seems to have more unwavering faith.  Or, if it bends or moves, they quickly adjust and get back on the straight path...the one where they know they are connected to God.  I never seem to find that road.  But, I want to...so much.

Scrupulosity is what the really big word is for this problem that is part of that nasty OCD.  I never have the faith I should have and the more I know I am missing that faith, the more I feel I fail God.  Because, after all, we need faith to have a relationship with Him.  So what does one do when that nasty OCD constantly takes away the good, the positive, the faith that we desperately need?

Another thing about nasty OCD is that people who really struggle with it don't talk about it or share about it.  For our entire lives we have become great at hiding it.  Unless I tell someone, they don't know.  I think it disguises itself in many ways.  I come off to people as snobby sometimes.  I was told years ago that when someone first met me they thought I was a bitch.  I couldn't believe it, because I never felt I could possibly be viewed that way.  But as years have gone by I think I understand.  I'm holding so much inside, no one can possibly know how hard it is.  I battle inside my brain all day long and even at night when i want to sleep.  So, I'm quite sure I come off to people as aloof, distant, cold and even, yes, a bitch, at times.

I'm waiting on spring so anxiously.  Because winter time is harder.  As always happens, especially this time of year, I'm shutting out even the people I care about.  I don't want to share because I don't want to be all negative in their presence.