#scumbro

Okay, so first of all, I want to say this mild hungover will not be helping. Unlike Jakey-Jakes’ girlfriends, I am not barely legal and my wine cooler college days are long past me. Just kidding, I never drank a wine cooler, I’m not a monster, but I used to grab all the food and wine at the reception tables when the art school adjacent to my building in undergrad was hosting some sort of opening, and use it as a) dinner for three days and b) so I could show up to my 6:30pm class with wine (yeah, you wish you had gone to my school). Anyway, all this to say I’m a motherfucking adult, but that also means that I have to type really serious stuff while holding the sarcasm, that my back hurts sometimes and that I find new, unidentified and unsourced bruises with every shower. I’m slightly younger than Jake, which makes me a senior citizen in his eyes. But you know what I have? My dignity, because there’s no picture of me such as this one on the internet.

Oh I can hear you from my bullshit lockdown work-from-home desk; you’re saying that of course there are, because we’ve all been - what, how old is he here, 21? - 21 and dumb as a rock. Actually, at 21, I was already (redacted profession). This doesn’t mean I’m not dumb. I regularly lose the second sock, my contact lenses, I have been known to walk into glass doors and sometimes I take a dish out of the oven without mitts on. Why? Not only did Ivy League not prepare me for any of that “responsibility” stuff, I’m also notoriously absent-minded when it comes to whatever has nothing to do with my job. My calendar may be full until a single day in June of 2022, but it’s also chock-full of reminders to like, pay my taxes, take out the trash, and go to bed. Otherwise I forget. Mostly because I don’t have the time to go to bed, but you know what I mean. I also have a reminder set at 11am everyday that men are trash, because sometimes I forget and we all know where that leads.

Anyway, enough of my social ineptitude and back to Chadey-Chakes here. I wish I could tell you this had been a single instance in which someone told him it was okay to impersonate Vanilla Ice, or maybe he was auditioning for a movie (with an audience?) for the character of “Guy Who Listens to Smash Mouth #2″. For some reason I doubt it, because look at this white ass one percenter who knew he had achieved success when his first grown up apartment looked like it could be on MTV Cribs:

Jesus fucking Christ everyone, this is terrible.

And it all started out like that.

I remember when our goddess and queen of this blog, our true inspiration, the great @kaittiffany​, had mentioned that we all knew at least 4 dudes, at any given time, who describe Donnie Darko as being their literal personality trait. Well, not only are we all entirely guilty of that, and it prompted a downward spiral for me, but I had to deal with the fact that at some point there is so much that a Columbia dropout in eastern mysticism in cargo shorts on a long board in Los Angeles can do: actually, not much. Because, you know, we live in a society, and what it says is that we could have seen the gold chain coming. It was terrible all along. I didn’t realise that, because just like Tom Holland, I did think this Burberry coat was a really great look, but I’m afraid there is a bit of a case of arrested development here. You know when post-humanist philosopher Taylor Swift quoted that part of her depression was due to the famous saying that “people are frozen at the age when they became famous” ? (which inspired this amazing line from one of her best songs: “I never grow up / it’s getting so old”) The truth is, Jakey-Jakes is a saltine from 2001 who is now 40 in 2020.

Remember 2001? The year then-mayor of NYC Rudy Giuliani said nothing happened to NYC? Good times.

But to go back to the song I mentioned, which features a verse by King Kendrick at the end:

Nothing’s stopping you except what’s inside

I can help you but it’s your fight

Well no I won’t help because I’m grown and as I’ve mentioned I have my own shit to work on, but I think there is definitely something about Jake Gyllenhaal that deserves immediate attention, in addition to the fact he seems to not give two flying fucks about what is happening right now. I think he needs to stop dating people that are not fully done with puberty, it’s a real problem. I think he needs to invest in the future. I think he needs to stop being what W called him, because they’re right and it’s W. I think he needs to keep growing his beard and become a person of substance. Cause if he brings that long board to NYC - which he won’t, he deserted the city, but we never know - I might have to take it away from him.  This is why we can’t have nice things.

Anyway,

Blessed are the arrogant

For there is the kingdom of their own company

Blessed are the superstars

For the magnificence in their light

We understand better our own insignificance

Blessed are the filthy rich

For you can only truly own what you give away

Like your pain

Those lines won’t come easy to certain readers I’m sure, but we can figure it out, I have faith in tumblr.

Oh and

I’m fucking offended, you won’t make me believe a Chad who was initially bound to do keggers at USC while ultimately marrying a Kelsey and living in a gated community has any idea who Minor Threat are. Don’t insult the cause.

Jake Gyllenhaal has the power to age with grace and intelligence and this blog is here to remind everyone we can all improve if we are rooted in strong ethical values.