#scroll through

I just want to vent somewhere and this is the best place for it, for now, at least.

Anyway be warned about it, proceed with caution I guess.

I feel the anxiety and all the intrusive thoughts coming back. They are all coming back.

I don't know if it is some kind of accumulated stress and toxicity or if am just over reacting and tired.

Life was never easy, but from July ( 2022) onwards it has become a nightmare again.

Before starting renovating I had to do so many things on my own that I shouldn't do because of tendinitis . I was yelled at about things I cannot control and I had no place to let it out because we were not home.

We were at grandma's and we weren't exactly welcomed there by her caretaker, she didn't openly complain but she was clearly annoyed at us.

The place is small so there was no place to be alone. I couldn't cry because my grandma would be stressed out and she is in a delicate health condition.

When people asked my opinion I got yelled at and called ridiculous. Only for them to repeat what I said or to notice I was right and pretend I never said shit.

Called dumb, useless, emotional.

This always happened, but for some reason this time was a lot more taxing.

Lies and upon lies. I always knew they were annoyed by me. They dislike me, I know that. But the tactic changed.

100% ignored and cut off! I speak three words and I am cut off. Literally. Even if I am asked something, I cannot speak, I am cutoff right away.

The only time I am heard is when we speak about people who should not be present in our lives anymore.

While wanting to know about said person, it seems someone else is may enter my life and that is utterly disgusting. The behavior is not the person. Disgusting. Disgusting.

That brings up more lies like I am fucking stupid.

My duties are not as important. Not as relevant. I don't do things right, ever ( I always like that as well, so no big news here)

They are allowed to do whatever, I am not. Because it's not appropriate, it's not right, I don't really know my " friends" obviously I am uncapable of making choices and protecting myself. As well as experiencing life.

I am getting snappy.

Usually I had a few family members to aid me, but they are either dead or awfully sick.

I don't want to bother my friends.

I know I am annoying that's why I get ignored.

I know I talk a lot.

I know I am burden.

I know I am a handful.

I know I am boring.

I know I play know it all.

I know I am not always kind and gentle - I hide behind sarcasm and irony.

I know I won't ever have things to be mine or my place, a me thing.

I also know I will be alone.

That's all ok.

I can handle myself. I have been through this before, can do again!

Anyway that's all I guess?

Bah a lot of talking see? I talk a lot. Then I complain about being ignored. I should shut the fuck up. Yeah I will practice that.

I already have a reminder on my phone to stop oversharing, so I can make another one to be pipe down right?

Became a good actress so work won't be affected. I can switch personal just fine.

Ah, I don't want to let "me" die again. This sucks balls.

Yeah long read for later myself. You managed to write more here than some of your hc! Congrats on the mile stone!

Thanks for reading my future self. Is things better now?