#screwed-up

らせん鼻の男 man with a screwed-up nose

Hi.

The plan for this journal is simply as stated: an anonymous place for a screwed-up college R.A. (resident assistant) to talk about life. Yeah, pretty boring idea, ain't it?

The reason that this journal has to be anonymous is that I risk my job by doing this. I will not tell you where I live, where I'm from, and what university I attend - not even my major. I believe I am way too distinct (or maybe that is being a bit arrogant, excuse me).

So here it goes...

Three months ago, hell, eleven months ago, I probably wouldn't have predicted that my life would end up in shambles like this. I'm almost 21. When I applied to become an R.A., they promised that it would bring new opportunities and joy to my everyday life. At the time, I had a boyfriend, family, close friends, good grades, everything that could make me feel satisfied. Now...who am I?

I am a boyfriend-less, family-estranged, and hermit-living R.A. who has gone wild in the past few weeks. I guess I might be being a bit dramatic, but I haven't experienced this.

I was balanced and knew what was just and fair. Now I find myself waking up in ex's best friend's bed wondering what the hell I just did. He tells me he feels disgusted with himself. And all I can say back is, "I don't care. Whatever." And roll out of the small bed, while still holding back on feelings for the man who feels disgusted with himself. 

My ex left me for an exchange program and dumped me after two months of living there. He still wants to be "friends", but all I feel is: "I want you back, you bastard". 

I don't know where the independent, positive, and free-loving Bunny-Nutella went.

As I walk back to the dorm where I "reign", I bump into the girls I watch over. I put on my mask and say, "What's up? How are you?" They mutter "good" and scurry off. Some talk a little bit, but they notice eventually that I just want to open my door and fall face first into my bed sheets. I don't give a shit about their problems - roommate shit and how their roommate stinks. All you do is use me, I think. I'm your mom away from home, I suppose. But damn, I'd be the 60s martini-drinking mom that cracks a sarcastic joke every once in a while while staring off in the distance.