Maybe Misery Is Pleasure

Thought I’d start reflecting on my life and all the fucked up shit I’ve gone through on here....

My family likes to pretend that they cared about people with mental illnesses yet the moment one shows signs of needing therapy or psychological help they blame you or dismiss all your problems

I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have literally no family.... nobody knows how much I’ve been abused pretty much all my life. I lost the only person I was close with in my family to suicide years ago and it still hurts and impacts me everyday of my life. You think my family would change and be nicer to each other to keep us all alive but nope. They only view each other as ways to boost themselves or gain sympathy. It’s disgusting. I’ve already had depressive and suicidal thoughts for years and when I showed signs of needed help no one cared. If anything my trauma and abuse got worse.... they made my situation my emotions all about them, and blamed me for having feelings and emotions.

Today I did something that I’m not very proud to admit. I relapsed again I hadn’t done it in two years. I was so strong or so I thought. I hadn’t felt the need to do it since high school but leave it to my fucked up family to ruin the holidays and hurt me so deeply. Maybe I deserve it..... maybe I was so terrible in a past life that this is my own twisted form of karma. I literally have no one to turn to that I feel would be safe to express these emotions to....