May 28, 2025
OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM THE CHIEF (VIA TELEPATHIC BULLETIN #42)
All personnel must affix the ‘New Employee’ badge sticker to their designated gear (see: water bottles, laptops, foreheads) by [REDACTED DATE]. Failure to comply results in:
Automatic enrollment in ‘Advanced Zipline Testing’
Your Funemployed Patch downgraded to ‘Mildly Employed’
The trees knowing your name
🔗 Acquire your badge here
📜 For full orientation materials (including ‘How to Survive the Vending Machine’)
‘See weird, say weird, stay weird.’
