#scorpionic

(2023)

I am ashamed of myself for doing everything I possibly could do to make you stay. To make you love me. To fight for your attention. Even in those weak moments when I knew that I deserved so much better than a lost soul who didn’t acknowledge how many hearts they were breaking. I knew exactly how cruel and selfish you were. And yet, I decided to stay. I don’t know why. Cause I never believed I could have you. The closest I could get to being a part of your life was by being your punching bag, or a friend you’d text whenever you were bored. I became the entertainment you needed in your life, but to me, you always were a star shining so bright in the sky, I wouldn’t mind freezing to death if it meant I could gaze at you all night. Little did I know, there were many more eyeing you. I probably was the last person in your priority list. Or maybe not that either. I don’t want to know the answer, I think it’ll break my heart. I try to sound rational, but I really let you break my heart a hundred times, did I not? Well, atleast there’s nothing left that can be broken anymore. I think about you so much, it’s crazy how I can’t get a grip on my fucking self. I wonder if you miss me. I know it’s so strange to think about you. I have so many questions to ask, but I’m not sure if my heart wants to know the answers anymore. I tear up whenever I think about you, rather about the love I had for you. I wish I could be a part of your life and didn’t just fade away. I was barely in the background anyway. I know I’ve acted in ugly ways and I hate how low I had stooped to get you to notice me, to pay attention to me and to give me some of your affection. I never understood what I lacked. Did I lack something? I remember you calling me mean and irritating. I have tried my best to overcome those in the last two years. I don’t know why I cared so much about your opinion of me. I remember you calling me problematic. Was I really problematic? Did you know how insecure I felt everytime you spoke about a new fling, or a new crush? I wouldn’t share you even with a fictional character. That’s probably my insecurity speaking but yeah. I don’t get to read your poems anymore. I wish I did. You have the gift of gab. Do you still write poetry? How have you been lately? I don’t want to make any small talk. I miss our deep conversations. I hope you’ve been able to heal. The idea of letting you go still scares me. But I’ve understood through therapy that letting me go is scarier. I wish we didn’t drift apart. I guess, we weren’t meant to be anyway. I cherish everything we had. I am trying to master detachment. Are you holding onto me tightly too? Cause there’s a reason I’m unable to let you go. I will though. Cause you’re gone. I don’t know if we’ll ever meet again. I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know anything. Why has loving you been such a painful experience even though you are so lovable? I hope no one’s hurt you when I was not around. Please protect your heart. You are precious. You deserve to heal. I wish healing onto you. I hope your inner child feels safe with you. If you have landed a job in these past few years, I want to congratulate you. I knew you were built for great things. And oh hey, belated happy birthday to you. I hope you had a blast. I am happy for you. I hope you continue to do amazing things in the future. Lastly, I hope you find the courage to be yourself. Know that you are loved. And ummm….. missed. Yeah, that’s it. Bye.

My Sun in Sagittarius (fire) in the 4th House is semi-square my Venus in Aquarius (air) in the 6th House. Semi-squares in the Natal Chart is where we have “blocked energy” or parts of our psyche. This aspect gives me a sensitive and shy personality, although I tend to hide that part of me well, this stems from extreme insecurity, which is kept hidden behind the mask that I wear. I have noticed that my shyness has worn off but it still lingers. I was painfully shy as a child, and all throughout my school years mainly in high school I would get severe stomach aches due to anxiety right before I had to go to school. It wasn’t like I was bullied or anything, but towards the end of my high school years most of my friends dropped out and I became a bit of a loner. I don’t make friends easily, I am not an out there, outgoing type of person, I keep to myself unless someone is brave enough to strike up a conversation. I’ve always known that I have some sort of potential, I didn’t know what or how to access it but I knew it was there somewhere. Maybe music or dance as I have dabbled in both crafts but never got serious about it, but the potential was very much there. Willpower was never my strong suit. Throughout my teens, 20s and beginning of my 30s I’ve always been a people pleaser, finding it really hard to say “no” to others. I vowed at 35 to end that, and I am on a pretty steady path at accomplishing that. I think my people pleaser attitude caused me to miss out on a lot of opportunities to advance in life mainly because of being too comfortable in my pleasures and habitual patterns. This has caused me to look into myself for change. I later learned that all of this strife I caused on myself was a lack of self love. I was never taught self love, I never heard of such a thing till my early 30s...no bullshit. In relationships I always needed reassurance, appreciation, and admiration from my partners. I can imagine that gets exhausting. I can be judgmental and a bit of a narcissist sometimes. If I don’t like you and you are in my presence I will not speak to you, you will be entirely ignored, like you don’t exist. But I can also be cordial, charming and friendly. I am a pleasure seeker, if I can bottle up that feeling when you first fall in love and all that adrenaline and phenylethylamine and turn it into a drug I would snort that shit daily. This stems from a never ending hunger to need love and be loved. I’ve come to realize that I have denied self love for most of my life by looking for love in all the wrong places. Every man I have been with has told me that I am beautiful, and smart and amazing but then treated me poorly. They used my attributes against me. Like it was my fault that I was attractive and smart like I should be punished for it. I realize now I that I attracted poor individuals as partners because of my own view about myself. I had no respect for myself.  The semi-square is considered to be the 8th harmonic of the chart because it is one-eighth of the 360° circle that the zodiac resides in. Semi-squares being an 8th harmonic will give off some Scorpio/8th House vibes to my romantic character. In the past I have gotten some pretty nasty revenges on lovers who have wronged me, I later discovered that this didn’t make the hurt go away, it just made it worse...very Scorpionic. I’ve learned that Karma takes care of all of that, I don’t need to. I promise, I have seen her beautiful work in action right before my eyes. I tend to get along better with men, but secretly seek admiration from women. Approval from women aids in the feelings of being beautiful and worthy. I always kind of felt a secret competition with my mother, there are some dark connotations there with her husband but that’s for a later blog. Anyway, I’ve always viewed women as the enemy. I’ve literally eliminated all friendships with women, I do not really have friends, because I am not the only woman who feels this way. Most women are in never ending competition with each other, even if they are the bestest of friends. I hate this. I hate feeling like everything that I love is at stake when I am around or in the presence of a woman who I think has more to offer than me, who is more attractive than me. It’s a debilitating insecurity that I try really hard to keep wrapped up tight because nobody needs to see that ugly side of me. So I concentrate on being the woman that I needed. I perform my self care and my self love. I tell myself that if I lose my partner to someone else they were never mine to begin with and that I need to move the fuck on because I am worthy of real love. 

scorpionic

https://open.spotify.com/track/6DzyQrTt75uxUKN4dqy8VD?si=bROGyNo8RZmKfnpk-WtA1Q