Art school and mental health.
I think I decided to really become an artist in 2014. At the time, I was in high-school and the idea of trying to enter an art school came from seeing how little practice was in the art curriculum at a french university.
Not knowing anything better I submitted an embarrassing portfolio consisting of things I saw in the videos of people wanting to go in the
๐๐ช๐ต๐ฒ๐ฏ๐ธ๐ป๐ท๐ฒ๐ช๐ท ๐๐ท๐ผ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐พ๐ฝ๐ฎ ๐ธ๐ฏ ๐๐ป๐ฝ๐ผ
My portfolio neither had the quality to enter what I now know as an animation school and clearly wasn't focusing on concepts enough to go into the kind of school we have in France. I was motivated but my parents aren't artist, I didn't know any art student and my art professor pushed going to a university.
Instead I went into a preparation school that helped me understand what type of art school there are, what they wanted and how different from one another the teachings there can be. After that I tried 3 different schools and got 2 to accept me.
While I had nothing against the 3rd one at the time, knowing I fucked up during the entrance exam, learning how pretentious the professors were and how they treated not only my classmates but the students as well, pissed me of.
I wasn't mad they refused me because I already had the privilege of choice with the 2 schools I wanted. I was mad because despite not liking this particular classmate, they treated her condescendingly and mocked her in a very stressful situation.
She instead went to another school, less prestigious sure, but at least more adapted to what she did and wanted. I'm glad for her but that moment marked me and gave an idea of how little art school were concerned for the mental health of their students.
Nobody comes out, at least in France, of an art school intact, some people are traumatized, some left with severe burn out, some became the professor's black sheep (for good or bad reasons). I went there, excited to meet so many people, met the one person that was super manipulative, got social anxiety and never got any real friends.
Sure, I learned a lot of things about art, techniques, others and myself. However, I also learned that despite my best attempts at socializing, I felt unfulfilled, frustrated and developed a depression. I cried each birthday I had from my situation, had suicidal ideations, didn't quite understand what happened to me.
I felt like I never did enough for people and my professors made me feel like it. I got my diploma with the jury telling me I could have developed my ideas deeper and should step out of my comfort zone.
How do you step out of your comfort zone when it's the only thing making you survive and feel safer ?
You don't. You're mentally ill and you need something to cling unto while experiencing traumatic events.
I was isolated but each time I talked about it, people who told me they would make steps didn't or were too busy working on things of their own.
Trust me, I don't want to repel anyone from entering art school.
Be careful about who you meet and who's competitive mind is full of negative self-value. Inform yourself on where other students live and get near them, try to not be isolated or isolating yourself (if you can).
Your work might be amazing but if people only value you because of it, it's not right. You're a whole person, your feelings matter and friendships are VERY important to your art school experience.
I think what made me not quit, was mostly from the mindset I grew up with and the solidarity the class showed towards shitty things professors did to us. We legit scared the teachers because we would NOT shut up about how wrong and immature they could be.
I became aware of many things during these 3 years. Like my needs, gender identity, social issues... My experience was intense and honestly ? I don't recommend being me.
I don't speak for everyone there, I'm sure many got more positives than negatives but while I'm on friendly terms with my old classmates, I've never really been friends with them either.
ANYWAYS. Here's a picture of a scorpion-fly from this april :)
