#sci-fi fix

I sob in my nest, face in the pillows. Drama abandoned me, just like he abandoned Lethal when they were kids.

Lethal is standing, as broken-hearted as I am, face leaning on his arms on the entry window to my bed, looking down at me. I can see it as clearly as if it were my eyes: my back heaving up and down, wracked with sobs, my face buried in my arms.

“I don’t want you here!” I yell at him.

He says, quietly, in between angry and hurt, “I am you, Nala, traitorous nymph.”

I’ve never felt more alone.

He thinks back, I’ve never felt less alone.

I can feel the tears streaming down his face. I can feel him climbing into the nest and pulling my back to his chest.

The pain defuses, diluted in the golden light. The sadness is still there, soaking the two of us, the one of us, but I can’t forget that I hate him, and he hates me. My body feels rigid and our old resentment grows back between us like a wall, severing our contact.

I scramble away from Lethal, and my broken heart shatters all over again. I can’t have you so close. It’s way too intimate.

He gets up and out of the bed, without one word. He walks away without turning around. I can’t tell if I’ve added new pain to what we were already drowning in. As briefly as I knew Drama, I was falling for him pretty hard. Now I share my soul with a womanizer who hates my lover’s guts. And mine. Worse, Lethal is ashamed of the surge of desire we both experienced when we saw Drama.

What the Merc. We’re never gonna merge again, are we? I think, laughing and wiping my tears.

You have some bonked up tastes, Lethal replies from his place.

Well, you won’t go around fucking people as if you wanted to kill them.

After a pause he says, in my head, I don’t know any other way.

His answer floors me, first because he’s not arguing, and second because we both know that’s not true. My one experience with Drama was all but hateful. Lethal cannot accept it yet, but he did comment about it. The worst part is that our aversion for each other now feels like self-hatred.

Welcome to my world, Lethal thinks, bitterly.

I want to reach for him. I want to accept him, to forgive him, but all of his pain, the people he hurt, killed, and humiliated haunt me just as much as they haunt him.

Nala.

It’s Drama, calling me. I feel the anger, sadness, and betrayal within Lethal, but I do my best to separate my consciousness from his. I scoot out of the nest, and out of my—our place, away from Lethal, as much as I can.

So much has happened to me in the last month that I feel like I have been a Cursoi for ages, but it’s only been a few days, at least that I was conscious. Therefore, it’s no surprise that I’ve never been to Drama’s place. What should be surprising is that I merged with the guy.

Couldn’t agree more, Lethal thinks in my head.

“Shut the bonk up!” I mutter, trying to bury him in his dark cave.

I face the door from where I felt the pull of Drama’s summon, and I knock. It gives.

Palm trees project long shadows on the white, fine sand scrunching beneath my shoes. A colorful hammock is strung between two of them, swelling with the breeze. Beside it, there’s a shack built with reeds and palm leaves. Ahead of me is the sea: immense, whispering, its clear, shallow waters tinging orange with the sunset. Mounds of seaweed litter the shore, their intense fishy scent wafting to me. Seagulls cry above my head, diving for prey in the water. A type of music I’ve never heard rises from the shack.

“It’s classic music: reggae,” Drama says, walking out from behind the small building.

“Drama, I—”

He raises one hand. “Unfortunately, I feel it all. You… and him.” He shakes his head. “It’s like I finally got a drink of water after a lifetime of being thirsty, and then Ghost poured poison in it.”

“Lethal is not poison!” I reply, a bit too forcefully.

Lethal’s surprise is backed up by Drama, who says, “Oh, really? Because the Nala I knew and… cared for hated his guts.”

“Still do. Well, maybe not hate. I understand him better, but believe me, I still have a hard time accepting the things he said and did.”

“Why would you want to, Nala?”

“Because I am him, Drama. We are the same person, now.”

“So, I can’t have you without him?” I shake my head, and he adds, “And he’s in there with you, hating me, right now.”

I lower my eyes. “And liking you a lot, against his own will.” I smile, but Drama’s lips remain unmoving.

“I can’t do this, Rogue. I’m sorry.”

Lethal rejoices within me, and I hate us both for that. I look at Drama and realize he’s feeling it all. Couldn’t I have fallen for Dime? Or Min?

Or me? Lethal thinks in my head. It would have been so much simpler.

I hate you. I so bonking hate you, Lethal.

Me too.

Sadness drenches us both.

Drama breaks our internal monologue. “How? How do you do this? How can you not lose your mind?”

I lift my face from my hands and realize that Drama is crying. I shake my head. “I might be losing my mind. Ghost says that with time we’ll get better at pushing the other into the background.”

I walk closer to Drama and he lets me, both Lethal and Drama let me. I raise a hand to his face, pushing back Lethal as much as I can. Drama closes his eyes, and I know he’s fighting the negative feelings inside of me as much as I am.

“I missed you,” I say. “I missed you a lot.”

Drama opens his eyes. “You did not merge with him. Even after linking, you… You didn’t.” Anger flares inside of me, and it’s not my own. I close my eyes and try to bury it. Drama says, “You didn’t merge with anyone.”

I laugh. “Neither did he.”

Drama smirks. “You’re strong Nala, stronger than anyone ever thought. Rogue is a very fitting nickname.”

I’m craving to be closer to Drama, to merge, having him inside of me. I can feel Lethal equally enthralled and horrified at the prospect, so I just lean into Drama’s chest, smelling him, the waves crashing their soothing song behind us.

Drama hesitates, but then wraps his arms around me. “I guess this will take some getting used to.”

No bonking way.

I know Drama heard Lethal as much as I did, but I stand on my toes nonetheless, brushing my lips against Drama’s. Desire flares inside of me and Drama kisses me, hungry, and I wonder if he also didn’t merge for the three weeks I was out.

“I did, Nala. I’m not human.”

“I know, it’s just that—”

He kisses me again, his hands caressing my body, and I know Lethal can feel it too. He fights it at first, but then caves in as the throbbing between my legs grows more urgent. He’s surprised with it, curious, eager, till I reach for the swelling in Drama’s pants and we have to break apart, because I’m pretty sure Lethal just got the opposite of a hard on.

And so did I.

Flustered, frustrated, ashamed. I try to take deep soothing breaths to calm Lethal down, worried sick about how bad he’s feeling right now. I’m standing with my hands on my knees, shuddering, staring at the ground. A big fat tear explodes on the sand, then another.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know who thought it. I lift my gaze to meet Drama’s, grateful I don’t have to explain myself to him. He turns around and walks in the shack. No doubt, he’ll merge with someone else tonight, but what about me?

The alarm sounds. Brain says in my head, Get to the foyer. The Prez is delivering a speech. Keep him safe, no matter what.

As soon as Lethal and I show up in the foyer, everybody’s gaze and whispers shift to us. Fortunately, there is no time for the onslaught of questions I’m sure everyone has since Dime takes us all to the Red Quarters.

As soon as we blink on the red carpet below the podium, the crowd goes wild. We take formation, standing in five rows, legs apart and arms behind our backs, eyes fixed ahead. Ghost stands in front of us.

I can see teens screeching in the crowd, holo-projections of all sorts fill the ever blue sky: from anti-Crash protesters, to Crash fanatics, and Cursoi groupies, men and women alike. I’m surprised to see a few Rogue supporters among them. Drama didn’t lie.

Must be my charm, Lethal thinks. I bedazzled them in spite of your body.

I am him. I know very well he feels terrible for what happened, or did not happen with Drama, and he’s reacting the only way he knows how; by trying to be a jerk.

I reply, I liked it better when you were shy.

I know you don’t mean it.

I can’t help but smile, just a little. Yet, the Rogue holo-projections have nothing to do with Lethal’s charm, or mine. As much as Zera could erase any memory of me, she could not plant a fake past to justify my sudden presence within the Cursoi. To humans, I am a Cinderella. I am hope that a different life might await them too, but there is no different life: only the one we all share. We face our own problems and challenges, and even if I am not starving anymore, I am not any happier.

Lethal turns to look at me, his hazel eyes sad.

I falter.

What? He asks in my head.

I thought we had to stay still, but you’re looking at me, I reply.

Are you kidding? That’s what Zera makes them remember. The first five seconds we were here. I chuckle. And I wasn’t looking at you, he adds.

President Crash appears behind us. I know because I can feel his organs. Creepy.

I say, “Browser, Drama, I can feel a heart accelerating suspiciously at eleven hours, thirty yurda from the podium.”

Drama says, “Sniper.”

Browser says, “Single agent.”

When I get up to go back to my place, I stumble, but Drama catches me. I shiver just because of his arms around me, but he doesn’t stop there. He leans in to nuzzle my neck. I stiffen, freaking the Merc out, and he releases me.

Everyone around us started to get inappropriate for human standards. Lethal is talking to a redhead, caressing her thigh under the table. Min and Dime are making out. Zera leaves, grabbing Browser’s ass. He laughs, while nuzzling Kino. It looks like something in between a litter of puppies and a PG25 holo-show.

Ashamed and unsettled, I walk away, trying not to catch up with Zera and the rest of her threesome. Drama falls in stride with me, but doesn’t say a word.

By the time we’re at my door, I turn to say goodbye. His hand reaches for my cheek, his gesture full of compassion and empathy. I so darn like this guy, and he knows it. He closes his eyes, savoring my feelings.

I say, “We’re drunk. This is not—”

He brushes his thumb over my cheekbone and steps closer to me, my nose barely away from his chest, and I forget what I was gonna say. I don’t know if it’s the Libre, or the most intense thirty hours of my life, but I am craving closeness with another human… or rather, another Cursoi. Fine, maybe Drama in particular.

Since there is no one here to judge me, I lean my face into his chest, taking in his sea scent. I peer up and notice that Drama’s eyes are closed, his lips lightly parted, soaking up my emotions. He’s the most sensual thing I have ever seen.

Emo yells, “Wanna hit the humans, guys?”

Her voice startles me, and I try to jerk away from Drama’s hug, but his strong arms won’t let me. I just see him shaking his head. He senses my anxiety and his embrace loosens, allowing me to step back.

Emo is already catching up to someone else. “Fine, next time!”

“Can I come in?” Drama asks.

I look warily at my door. “Drama, you won’t merge here. So you might want to follow Emo, wherever she ends up.”

“I’d rather take my chances.” He smirks.

“Well, I will not.”

I close the door in his face, lean my back against it, and cry.

I thought Cursoi had it easy, but they don’t.

Lying in my bed, staring at the flickering shadows the candles project on the ceiling, I don’t feel as entitled to resent them as I did before. They might live in the most incredible place, they have food and shelter, but having ninety broken bones in a day does not make it worth it. Having to obey orders does not make it worth it either.

How many people did Lethal have to kill to turn out the way he is? Alienated by his own kind, a prisoner of the demons festering in his head.

Even thinking of Lethal won’t get my mind off Drama, his parted lips, his expression when I closed the door in his face. I sigh, less than holy thoughts surfing my veins on a tide of Libre. My hand travels to my navel, imagining that Drama could feel what I’m feeling. Lower. Lower. Mmm.

I guess I am Cursoi, after all, but I doubt that merging with myself is going to do me any good.

The following morning is gorgeous. The park glistens with dew and resonates with the trill of a bird. I reach the rest of the Apprentices by the salitree, waiting for Ghost to show up and start universal geo and politics.

Lethal is shouting, “Bonking Saturnites! They think they can come here looking for jobs when our own people are starving?”

“Our own people?” I blurt. “What the Merc do you know about starving humans?”

He shrugs. “I fucked half the capital, Dumb, didn’t I? I’m sympathetic to terrestrial problems.”

Did my comment make it to his ears? Did Browser pry it out of my brain?

“Woo-hoo!” someone yells at his jab. Cursoi gather around us, smiling. Dime rubs his hands, anticipating the fight.

“You son of a nymph!” I yell. “You know nothing of hunger and cold!”

“You’re right, Dumb, but since you do, why are you defending the bonking Saturnites?”

“Because when the temperature on your planet is one-hundred-and-sixty-eight below freezing and you have no place to stay, you bonking go wherever you can!”

“That’s right!” someone yells.

Drama pulls my sleeve. “Nala, forget him.”

Lethal replies. “Well, they’re not welcome here. We have our own issues.”

“Exactly!” someone says, and someone else replies,

“Oh, shut the bonk up.”

I ignore them. “Like what, Lethal? What issues do you have beyond a psychotic streak?”

“Ouch!” Zera says, chuckling, and I barely register Drama walking away from me.

Lethal replies, “Oh, yeah, I forget that you were a homeless brat just until yesterday, now you’re just a brat.”

“I wasn’t homeless, but I had to fight to survive!”

“And you think I don’t? That we don’t? How many times do you think I died on the job?”

That sends me over the edge, mind reeling. No one ever worked me up the way angel face can.

I reply, furious, “No, Lethal, I don’t think you know much about struggling to survive when food appears on your table, when you live in a dream castle, when no one can even touch you without you wanting them to, and you can go back in time if you get hurt, or die. There is no rewind option for humans!”

He glares at me. “Because they don’t deserve one! I kinda regret you crossed to our side, because I’d rather crush you once and for all!”

“Frogdung…” Min blurts, and I can tell he does not believe Lethal, but I do.

I yell, “Crush all my organs, Lethal, but that still doesn’t make you right. You don’t get the right to be on Earth just because you were born here!”

“Wake up, Nala! They’re just lazy! I work my ass off and it ain’t pretty!”

“Oh, so if you had been born ugly, starving, and skill-less on Saturn, you’d just stay there to die?”

“It would be the decent thing to do.”

“Argh!” I jump at his neck before Drama can sense what I’m about to do. I know Lethal will turn my insides to mush, but the fury on his face turns to surprise as I give him a pathetic punch on his pretty nose.

Ouch!

Everyone explodes in jeers, oohs, and aaahs.

“What the Merc is going on here?” Ghost blurts.

Lethal touches his bleeding nose, and I shake my hurting hand. I don’t think I broke anything but, miserably enough, I cannot heal it. I suck at being Cursoi.

“How…?” Lethal asks, bewildered.

“Oh, bonk you!” I yell, sitting down to ignore him and nurse my hand.

I sit through geo, not listening to one word, murderous thoughts thundering in my head. It’s people like Lethal who voted for Crash, who gave him the power to target the weakest and make it look like strength rather than cowardice.

Ghost says, “Pair up. I want you to argue about pros and cons of closing import from other planets.”

Boring.

Drama comes to sit in front of me immediately, and he looks pissed.

I say, “What a bonking jerk, right?”

Drama shakes his head. “I’m mad at you, not Lethal.”

“Really?”

“Is your hand broken? Why didn’t you ask Min—”

I look away. “Just bruised. Lethal is so arrogant and ignorant!”

Drama shrugs. “And you aren’t? You called him a psycho.”

Ouch! “But he is one!”

“Maybe he has issues, but that doesn’t make it right to call him names.”

“Drama, did you ever wonder why his inclination was to be able to crush people’s insides?”

“Nala, we are all different with our own skills and opinions. Lethal is a good soldier, one of the best, in fact. I like him as much as you do, but when you jumped at him to punch him in the face, you turned into everything you despise in him. You were the bully.”

“What?” I’m furious, but I think about it. As offensive as Lethal was, he just uttered words. I’m the one who broke his bonking angel nose.

Drama adds, “But I did enjoy it.” That makes me smile a little. “How the Merc did you manage? Did he let you? I didn’t even see it coming.”

I shrug. “I guess I took everyone by surprise, huh? Am I in trouble? Ghost saw us.”

“Brawls are common, even more so when Min is around to clean up the mess, but no one has ever laid a finger on Lethal, before. You are quite incredible, Nala.”

“Yeah, right. If only I could heal my hand.”

“Well, you need to train, and if you merged—”

Ghost yells, “Nala, Drama! Closing imports! Come on, now.”

That afternoon, the last thing I wanna do is endure Lethal crushing my organs. I bet he’s a little too eager. He’s wearing a white tunic, immaculate again after Min fixed his nose. I scowl at Lethal, and Min shakes his head, amused.

Ghost is sitting by the oak tree, waiting for us, head in his hands. “You two better calm the bonk down.” Before Lethal can question his leverage, Ghost’s head snaps up and he says, “I’m considering isolation, Lethal.”

His angel face blanches. “What? She punched me!”

Why would isolation be such a big deal? Oh, he wouldn’t be able to merge. I smirk. Well, welcome to my world, son of a nymph!

Ghost says, “Enough. Let’s try to make some progress today.”

I protest, “Ghost, I read your silly book, but everything you know about Cursoi is empirical. There is no science, no data!”

“Let’s start training.”

“Ghost, listen! Everything you know is because Lymph made some really basic observations two-thousand years ago! If she hadn’t had an inquisitive mind there would be no Cursoi at all!”

Lethal huffs. “Are we training or what?”

I ignore him. “Ghost, I could find out how to enhance skills!”

Ghost rolls his eyes. “Fine! I’ll have to ask Brain for permission, and you’ll report to me every day and not share what you find unless I say so. If I don’t like what I see, you will stop. Understood?”

“Thanks!” I almost hug him, but then realize I’ve never seen Cursoi hug unless they were getting it on, and I hold back.