#schmerzbringer

So the old guy gives him a creepy look and says, “sweet, see you in 3 years to pick up what’s mine.”

the miller goes home, his wife’s confused about all the riches they suddenly have, but he explains.

“don’t worry, I met a stranger in the woods who said he’d trade me what’s out back for all of this, so It’s all legit, we just need to give him the apple tree.”

His wife, who is genre savvy, sees the mistake instantly.

“That was obvs the wizard you fool, and you def just gave away our daughter who was sweeping out back. What is wrong with you?”

The daughter, who clearly takes after her mother, then prepares for the wizards visit. She cleans up (like next to godliness clean) and draws a circle of white chalk around her and waits. and before we have time to marvel at how cool she is or why she knows how to do that, the wizard shows up.

The creepy wizard is no match for our magical girl and her chalk circle and skin care regimen. 

Pissed, he commands the miller to remove all the water because her cleanness means he has no power over her (is he a dirt wizard? like what are these rules???) The miller for some reason listens to him instead of trusting his BA daughter and wife, and gets rid of their water.

next day, He still can’t touch her because her hands are clean from weeping on them. So he freaks out again and tell the miller to chop off her hands. This time he stands up a little.

“how can I cut off my own child’s hands?” he says.

the wizard responds, “with an ax.”

jk jk, he threatens to take him away instead. And I will not understand WHY this man decides to listen to him instead of just asking for his daughter’s help. Clearly she knows more powerful magic than this wizard, why not use it? Maybe he isn’t pure enough like her or maybe he’s to prideful, or maybe he’s just a fool. whatever the case he does what he’s told and chops. off. his daughters. HANDS. (which she complies with, because she won’t disobey her father! I hate it here.)

But when the wizard shows up on the 3rd day, he still can’t take her because she cried over the stumps and made them clean too. and because he lost 3 times I guess, he just has to admit defeat and leave.

can someone call whole man disposal services, because this father is TRASH! and were the hell is her mother?! did she die? I thought she would support her child, but she’s out of the picture. this bothers me, but we need to get back to the rest of this, because it get stranger.

So the father is like, “thanks for dealing with all of this, I’ll adore you forever.”

but she finally stands up to him and says “I gotta go my own way.” explaining that it’s not safe here and she needs people who will give her sympathy.

the father is sad, but lets her leave into the sunrise. (straight up, the text says she left into the sunrise.)

She ends up in the royal pear garden, starving, but unable to reach the food because of a moat. so she prays and a “guardian fairy” appears, who parts the water so she can get to that sweet sweet fruit.

the fairy hangs out (secretly) and the girl eats one of the pears while it’s still hanging on the tree.

see ma, no hands! (sorry, I’ll see myself out)

the gardener saw this, but was freaked because they thought she a ghost. so the girl goes to sleep in some shrubs, and has a nice rest.

The king shows up and counts his pears (like a weirdo) and notices one missing. then asks his gardening, “what the frick?”

the gardener tells him about the pear eating ghost, to which the king responds, “but ghosts can’t cross moats.”

Then the gardener explains about the fairy but says “it must have been an angel.” and so he was too scared and the ghost left after eating only one pear.

So the king makes him swear to secrecy (like he was going to tell people) and says he’ll watch tonight. (are you confused why this king is so invested in his pears? well good news, so am I)

so he, a priest, and the gardener lie in wait (with a go-pro) for the spirited duo to appear. at midnight, the maiden shows up to eat another pear, but the priest interrupts her to ask what she is (rude). and she gives this killer line

“Ah, me! I am no ghost, only a poor creature forsaken by everyone but God.”

which the king replies to with his own beautiful response

“You may be forsaken by all of the world, but if you will let me be your friend, I will never forsake you.”

So they go to the palace and eventually fall in love, he gives her a pair of silver hands, and they get married. a year later the king goes to war and leaves his bride with his mother (dun, duuun, duuuun!)

the queen has a kid while he’s away and the new grandma sends a letter to inform her son.

ha, you thought she was evil? nope. instead the messenger gets tired and the wizard shows up (look, a through line!), switches the letter while he sleeps, saying the child is a changeling, and the messenger goes on his way.

The king reads this, is distraught, but sends back a letter just saying that his wife should be well taken care of till he returns (what a legend).

but the wizard intercepts this message too, saying the his mother should kill the queen and her child.

But the mother is also having none of this, and sends a letter back, asking him to explain himself.

So the wizard keeps intercepting letters, and changing them to ruin the queen’s life, finally saying they should cut out the child’s tongue and poke out the queen’s eyes. but the kings mom doesn’t suck, and won’t harm them, but has decided that her son has lost it and they should run away before he gets back. there is a lot of crying.

She gets lost in the forest and starts to pray, when she gets up, boom, a cottage!

a sign says it’s a safe place, and then a woman comes out and welcomes them in. she addresses the queen by her title, takes the baby and puts it to sleep, then the queen is like, “how did you know I’m the queen?”

the woman explains this away says she’s a good fairy sent to care for them. and she does. they stay there, and because the queen is so good, her hands grow back, like a freaking lizard.

when the king gets back, his mom chews him out, he is obviously confused, she shows him the letters, and he begins to cry. she sees that they were tricked and tells him that they still live, but left to avoid dying at his hands.

he then vows to go to the ends of the earth for her, and that he will not eat or drink till he finds them (which he even admits might kill him so I don’t know why he included that part).

He traveled the world for SEVEN YEARS, and didn’t find her and worried that she had staved to death. I would wonder how HE didn’t starve to death, but he was sent “heavenly help”, whatever that means.

Eventually he finds the cottage, and while he is reading the sign the good fairy takes him by the hand and says “you are welcome king, but why are you here?”

He explains that he’s been looking for his family for seven years and asks if she can help.

so she makes him sit down, have a meal, and go to bed, and he is so tired that he complies. then she covers his face and goes to get the queen and her son, Painbringer (this child is the only person with a name and I don’t know how to deal with this choice)

The queen is obviously distraught, and questioning if she even still loves this man.

as they go in the covering falls off his face and the queen asks Painbringer to cover it back up. but hearing her voice, he shifts and knocks it right off again. so she says, “cover your father’s face.”

and he’s like, “I don’t have an earthly father, God is my father, this man is a stranger.” (sick unintentional burn kid)

then the king wakes up and the queen introduces herself and Painbringer.

“You look and sound like my wife.” he says, “But my wife had silver hands.” which you know what? fair.

she tells him they grew back, he reasonably doubts this, but the good fairy comes out with the silver hands and he like, yeah that’s them. and goes and embraces his family, ecstatic that they are reunited at last.

The fairy makes them dinner before sending them on their way. They reunite with the kings mother, and she’s super happy everyone is back. and then they renew their vows and have a wonderful life together.