#schevchenko

In the final game to feature teams making their debut in this year's European Championships, the nations of Sweden and Ukraine decided to band together and save the set of awful, awful British pundits covering the tournament from bringing any further shame on themselves.

"Yeah, we were pretty depressed watching the likes of Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen struggle to say anything remotely insightful or interesting about a bunch of players they've obviously never heard of," stated Anotoly Tymoschuk, a UEFA Cup winner with five league titles and seven domestic cups in three countries that Alan Shearer wouldn't recognise if he saw him pissing his name in the snow outside his house. "So we agreed that the only players that would be allowed to score goals would be people that your average braindead BBC pundit had heard of."

Shearer was delighted to see Sheva looking so proud to represent his nation of Serbia or whatever.

The scoring was opened with a three-yard tap-in by AC Milan's Zlatan Ibrahimovic, formerly of Barcelona, Inter, and Juventus, a man that Shearer though was German or something until about three hours ago. It was homeland hero Andriy Schevchenko that stole the headlines with two headers, though, just four years after Alan Hansen assumed he'd retired.