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So this is an awkward advice question - sorry! At the moment, one of my friends is a guy who I get along with pretty well - we have similar interests, he's good fun, etc.I know that a lot of our friends are expecting (and hoping!) that we start a relationship. I quite like him, but my only problem is that I'm not physically attracted to him at all. I don't know what to do - I feel like I can't refuse him based just on that and honestly, I feel pretty bad for feeling that way at all. Any ideas?
[Disclaimer: The answer to this is going to be HEAVILY subjective. So know that my opinion on it, is not the law of the land and may not even be close to the general consensus.]
My right-off-the-bat opinion: You can refuse him for any reason you want. ANY. You are not obligated to like, love, be nice/cordial/agreeable/compassionate (etc.) to anyone. You are allowed refuse anyone for simple, stupid reasons. Reasons such as:Â
They have a cat shaped freckle next to their ear and you like dogs.
Their hair color clashes with your eye color.
They have bad teeth.
They voted for Trump.
They like you.
They mow their lawn with guinea pigs instead of a lawn mower.
Theyâve never climbed a tree.
They donât remember a time before blue M&Mâs existed.
They like you.
They prefer Stephen Colbert to Jimmy Fallon.
They believe astrology is an actual science.
They like you.
Your friends like him.
You donât like him as anything more than a friend.
Being pressured to be in a relationship with a guy (OR ANYONE), is NOT OKAY. He could be the DEFINITION on perfection and you are in no way shape or form obligated to be in a relationship with him. Or to see him as anything more than a friend, or as a guy who doesnât hear or respect the word: No.
I live in the U.S., and here there is a very, very, very dangerous narrative that when a guy likes a girl, she is somehow obligated to like him back. That when she says ânoâ she really means âIâm playing hard to get.â That when she is not attracted to him, that means he has to do more to prove why she should âcome to her sensesâ about him.
I cannot say this enough: You donât own anyone anything. No oneâI MEAN NO ONEâshould ever make you feel obligated to like them, or someone else.Â
Okay, rant over. Moving on!
There are many different ways to love and show affection to someone. You can totally be in a meaningful, loving, romantic, or more than friends relationship that does not include physical attraction. But it helps when both parties are aware that one (or both) party is not physically attracted to the other. [ @sarahviehmann please help me if Iâve botched this, or not articulated or represented these ideas well! Itâs still not an area I have a lot of experience covering. Thanks!]
That being said, are you physically attracted to other people? Like do you want a relationship with someone you can kiss and touch and have sex with? Cuz thatâs where (for me at least) the line is. If you want a relationship that includes those things, and can see yourself wanting those things with other people, then this boy is not the boy for you.
Itâs not fair for you to be in a relationship with him simply because he likes you, or because your friends think youâd be cute together. And itâs not fair to him either. And again, donât feel bad for not liking him. Youâre not obligated to like anyone.Â
Another thing Iâm just going to randomly add is:
Does he pass the scent test? Meaning, when you catch a whiff of his scent, does it turn you on? Does it make you want to sleep with a shirt he wore under your head so you can breath in his scent?
I ask because the human sense of smell is very advanced. Our bodies can differentiate a good many things from scent that we cannot put words to. So a good percentage of the time, when someone doesnât smell good to you, thatâs your bodies way of picking up on something about him that signals he would not be a good person to reproduce with. And that sounds SO archaic. I know. But itâs (to some degree) true. There is a reason we donât get turned on by the scent of out siblings. We might enjoy the scent of out parents or our children because those relationships are different. But we donât get turned on by their scent.
The best scent for this romantic, sensitive and sweet personality would be a bouquet of complementary florals, sure to woo even the most fickle of noses.
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And that's that - Yumin has slogged away at lab and painstakingly collected items for our Scent Project installation at the Singapore Management University concourse. We'll be posting our thoughts/ afterthoughts of the post installation and pre installation process - after all Scent Project is about the process and development of the artwork, and this project will hopefully continue till the end of September.
Keep a lookout for our other Scent Tests - on my part, I've interviewed and asked the people I meet - from different parts of the world, to answer questions about scents to see how people of different backgrounds and cultures smell the world in different ways.Â