#scealerat

I have pretty notable social deficits that extend beyond social anxiety and cluelessness. I say the wrong thing a lot, especially on the phone or in common social situations. Like it doesnt occur to me to say hello to people who greet me or to evaluate how they feel before going off on my own thing. I often exist in a state where I do not speak unless spoken to because it just. doesn’t make sense to me why I should. I am EXTREMELY bad at knowing what level of info is TMI and say inappropriate things to ppl about my body, trauma, and personal relationships. I’ve gotten better but I’ve had to take classes and do a lot of trial/error/notetaking to pass as socially appropriate. My relationships are unstable and often inappropriate due to an inability to gauge what is appropriate. (Some of this is due to trauma but honestly a lot of that trauma was caused by the initial deficit). My nonverbal communication reading is bad to a point where it often causes fights. Body language is completely foreign to me and i either totally ignore it without meaning to or read all of it as threatening/angry. I have severe emotional deficits but I’m gonna skip over this so I don’t end up rambling about PTSD vs Autism for three paragraphs.

I have physical developmental deficits such as under developed core strength, general muscle weakness, and difficulty with fine motor skills (though all of this worsened after a brain injury so it’s difficult to track in relation to autism.) I’m unable to sit upright for very long, stand up without leaning on things, and writing is difficult and exhausting because of the amount of concentration it takes to hold and manipulate a pen. I cannot sit on a yoga ball and also lift one foot off the ground, i tumble over immediately. When doing basic strength tests on my legs, like uh... you hold your leg up and the doctor push it down but tells you not to let them move it? I fail these and cant resist the pushing. I also have this in my hands.

My sensory deficits are severe and disruptive. I actually got my Sensory Processing Disorder diagnosis before I got my Autism diagnosis because the neurologist  did a reflex test on my knee and my leg jerked so hard I kicked him quite hard. Ever since I was young I was extremely sensory seeking/avoidant to a maladaptive degree. I would tie my shoes and tighten my belts so tight it would cut off circulation. Touch would make me cry and most clothes caused meltdowns. I was constantly distressed by bright light and normal volume levels and often would crash after seemingly average sensory experiences. I’ve stimmed since I was very young by twirling my hair between my fingers, bouncing, and singing/humming/repeating phrases. My stimming is disordered and often maladaptive meaning that it disrupts my functioning and often causes me pain or hurts me. My sensory problems are so severe they qualify as a disability without the other autistic deficits.

I experience special interests as a disordered trait. There is nothing fun for me about having a special interest. Yes, I enjoy and love a thing with all my being but I become unable to think of or speak about or enjoy anything else in the entire world. Everything in my life revolves around the thing. As a child this was so severe that I was unable to study for tests unless mom turned the information into acronyms of a characters name or topic relating to the interest. I would draw characters/symbols related to the interest on every page of my notes just so I could tolerate looking at the page. I literally could not look at colors without associating the color with the interest in some way. I could not talk about other things. It was life ruining. I’ve had to learn not to have special interests and if I do have them to control my interest in them because of the abuse I have endured as a result of having them.

I also have what we jokingly call “the autism package.” Basically co-morbid conditions that a lot of (but not all) autistic people have and that are diagnosed independently from the autism. Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety/depression are the main ones. (I include PTSD because being autistic often makes it harder for the brain to processes and integrate trauma on top of exposing people to traumatic situations.)

Lastly it’s worth noting that there’s a notable genetic factor. My dad’s side of the family is all undiagnosed but CLEARLY and OVERTLY autistic. My mom’s side is partially diagnosed but all very ADHD. My deficits didn’t come out of no where and you can see it in my family. It’s pretty common if the kid is autistic, one side of the family has some autism or adhd floating around to some level of severity.