#savethecassowary

Doctor: And there is one thing you, never ever put in a trap.

???: A cassowary?

Doctor: M- . . Wait, what?

???: Cassowaries are great at escaping traps.

Doctor: Sorry, we haven't met. I'm the Doctor, this is a gun, and I'm doing superb speech number 345, this time with added 'flare'.

???: I see what you did there.

Doctor: It was good, wasn't it? Anyway, who are you?

???: Only the amazing Cassowary-Man, bringer of obvious facts and awareness-raising campaigns for certain Australian wildlife.

Doctor: I presume this Australian wildlife is the Cassowary?

Cassowary-Man: Of course. They need your help, even more than the people in this ship about to be devoured by stone statues from a child's hell, grilled in jump-scares and dipped in some brown-trouser-scary sauce.

Doctor: I'm not so sure. They went extinct in 2015, you know, since President Smith decided it was a good idea to legalize the expansion of Guinness Factories into the northern rainforests.

Cassowary-Man: My home . . . my people. Doctor, I thought . . . 

Doctor: Yes, sorry, my mistake, but just remember: History can be rewritten.

Cassowary-Man: You have a sentient police box that is the size of the entire universe, I just have a cape and a far-too tight spandex outfit. How am I supposed to save my beautiful birds?

Doctor: Through the power of something extraordinary. 

Cassowary-Man: An ancient Egyptian tablet, holding the secrets to vortex manipulation?

Doctor: something made by man, in the twentieth century. Something amazing.

Cassowary-Man: Nano robotics!

Doctor: No, something greater.

River: Sweety, what's keeping you?

Doctor: Just talking to my spandex-clad friend over here, darling. Don't worry.

River: I always worry about you.

Cassowary-Man:  *snigger*

Doctor: What is it?

Cassowary-Man: Just how you two get on. You're like a married couple.

River: We're about as close as a pair of peas being mushed inside the heart of the Tardis

Doctor: If you count them atom for atom though, they're actually very far apart. It's mostly empty space.

River: Yes, sweety, but you wouldn't care about that. I guess you'll just have to see who I am. 

Doctor: Yes, yes. Spoilers.

Cassowary-Man: Oh, you two. You're like two slices of toast and cheese inside an electric griller on a nice sunday afternoon. They meld together by the heat between them . . . anyway, I'll be going.

Doctor: An electric griller? 

Cassowary-Man: Take my card. Oh, and by the way, how am I going to save the Cassowaries?

Doctor: Tumblr, of course!

#SAVETHECASSOWARY

Hello. This is a Cassowary. You're probably unaware of its presence, but you really should. The Cassowary isn't racist, it doesn't belief x is y, or if x is true or not. It doesn't care. It's a giant Ratite from New Guinea, Northern Australia and other surrounding islands. Females can stand over 6 feet tall. It's claws, the size of a banana, are able to puncture a human straight open and eat its insides like it was an Indian takeaway on a Saturday. No chance running either, since it can run faster than Mr. Bolt, not that it'd make a difference. A Cassowary's long neck could easily nip the back of Usain, even before some bloke with an Iphone Δ (I've lost count) can record his insides being shredded. 

But this creature wouldn't do that. The Human race has been spared, thankfully. It simply walks around, keeping the North Australian rain forests alive. And walking into Aussies' gardens, nipping at their fruit. They just want help. They don't want violence. 

This creature is beautiful. There is nothing like it, its biodiversity is amazing. But, for all good things, humanity is there. Like most X Factor Contestant stalkers, they moan and groan and kick it and destroy its personal space for their own personal gain. A combination of over-hunting, deforestation and plain old roadkill has made this creature endangered and vulnerable.