By the sea .

a year and a half ago I moved back to my hometown leaving behind years of this and years of that. I was once an extrovert you know. But once i learnt about people I became an introvert. What's it like being married to a Saudi without your marriage being recognized there? Well let's just say I stopped hanging out with people who are married and with kids because it just reminds me of where I should be in my life but Im not. Everything happens for a reason and Allah is the best of planners. Some days I cry, some days I don't . Most days I just keep pushing through with the little hope and faith I have left. I know some day it will all work out insha'allah... Marrying a Saudi is the legit cliffhanger . Forget the movie. You are dealing with the real thing.

Jeddah vice.

Last year during Ramadan I remember how I tried so hard to focus on getting close to Allah and to utilize it to my best. I struggled no joke. It was hard. I was depressed. I was sad. Alhamdulillah i made it to another Ramadan . It doesn't feel like Ramadan right now to be honest. My mind is clouded, my emotion are haywire, my heart is heavy. I know there are people who have been in my shoes and have seen that silver lining. Maybe after when Mr.Saudi leaves I will have more clarity and focus on trying to make the most out of this month. I honestly imagined I would be going to KSA finally with mr.Saudi ..I asked Allah if it was good for us that he would facilitate.. I guess it just wasn't written for us this time and it wasn't good for us. I really hope there is something better waiting for us because honestly, i feel sad and hopeless again. I will get through this insha'allah.

-gawhwa -anything with cream, cheese, chocolate, sugar, more chocolate, more cheese, more cream, more sugar and oh yah , more cream - eating on the floor on top of what is known as a sufrah - eating desserts before dinner - when you are told to meet after maghrib it really means isha - will not spend money on handmade things but will drop thousands on name brands - Instagram is essentially where all they get the latest fashion tips

I go through this every year . Even when I was with my husband for Ramadan (2 times out of 7) I would feel envious ( in a good way) for those who had family members to spend the blessed month with and who would have a busy blessed month together with loved ones… but as time passes I realize that this is just a fairytale mentality that Instagram has built up for me. Like many sisters believing that marriage is like the photos you see on your Instagram feed, I might have disillusioned myself into thinking Ramadan is all about spending it with family and doing ibadaah together (lol).. let’s be real, when I remember that fasting is only for Allah and it is the most beloved deed for him…isn’t it better to be spending it alone anyway? I’m part of this Facebook group dedicated for women involved with Saudis and many of them expressed how they missed spending it alone and how they enjoyed praying taraweeh at the masjid and having time to themselves to reflect… to be honest, this is how I feel as well! Although I have never prayed taraweeh here, i hope this year I can experience it . At the end of the day.. it really isn’t a big deal ..it only becomes a big deal when I make it one!

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