#satsyappin

okay, so real quick...

😭 WAAAAAAAAAH

okay, now that I hit one of those, let's get into the Bittersweet Ch. 3 Epilogue and everything in it that had me TWEAKING THE FUCK OUT.

THE ART

This isn't news to y'all I know, but FUCK BRO THE VISUALS WERE BEAUTIFUL. I already did a small rant in the tags of one of my posts about the way Jackie's work has become so polished, but it just shows so well, eeehehe. I also loverd seeing more interior, idk why but that shit is just the butter to my bread. I can't wait to watch this back with my like, artist eyes on 😼 ALSO THAT POV SHOT AT THE END WAS NUTS?? Bro those are so hard imo, so as an artist I was geekin 🤭

THE GROWTH

S e t h r o y V o i c e 😭 I'm kinda harping on him because idk WHAT IT WAS about hearing him talk about his dad and being offered opportunities that just twisted me into knots?? His outlook is so much brighter now, and that's just (I'm trying so hard rn not to spam the sob emoji), IT'S WARMING TO MY HEART OKAY-

Don't think for a second I forgot about Alphonse though 😭 Him and Seth being close and jokey and shit is actually everything I could want. How they've come to trust one another, are willing to RELY ON EACH OTHER. I know I'm not treading new ground but guys it's just so 😭 beautifullll

There is a little part of me that's curious to see how he'll continue working through the loss of his parents tho 👁👁 If something like that will be further explored. I'm in no rush, this ish gotta cook but I'd LOVE to see it. One way or another I'm soooo pleased ehehe.

OKAY NOW LOOK AT SOME OF MY FAVORITE FRAMES EHEHEH

SICK ASS POV SHOT-- Idc this ate soooo bad, look at how good they look!! 😭 and their happy, content lil :3 faces, like STOPPP

These two being handsome of course. I love Seth's face here it makes me giggle. And if I started on how much I adore Alphonse, y'all know I wouldn't stop 😭 so let's keep it pushing for now 💕

WHAT I MEAN ABOUT INTERIORS. Y'all, drawing rooms makes me tweaking out- but seeing nice work like this really makes me wanna have a go at studies. And also Seth standing in the room :3 Look at him, so damn helpful!

Riptide came on rotation just now, and it ofc made me think of NJR. But I think on a larger scale, it makes me think of a facet of Escaped stories that I don't feel like I properly noticed when I first stumbled onto NJR months ago, or even up until recently when I finished the Neon Series and Chronus Seven. But, it's the use of music, both as an emotional and narrative throughline in the stories he tells.

I really only began thinking of this a lot after finishing Neon in its entirety, how the song "Out of Touch" comes into play at the very beginning as the first thing that links Raven to Crow in a meaningful way. At the same time, I remember distinctly going "awe" when the song got to the chorus, only to be cut off by the characters arriving to their destination. Thinking back, I can't help but feel as though the song not meeting it's chorus was, in fact, a narrative tool that was both in keeping where we are in the story (the very beginning/the intro), and of course to make the actual use of the chorus more impactful in the climax of the story. If there is one thing I loooooooove it's a meaningful musical motif (if you couldn't tell by my entire existence on this side of the internet, I was a musical theater kid lol).

And ofc, there is the literal lyrical parallels between Crow and Raven and the iconic "Out of touch/out of time" lyrics, which I'm not getting super into rn for the sake of this not being an actual essay (which I've got more than my fair share of already lolol).

I think also that music as a means of established setting is suuuper overlooked in this niche in particular, and I really like how it shone through in Chronus Seven (which is mad slept on in my opinion like ts was gas frl). When I tell you, I could damn near smell the air when "The Middle" started playing. Or "Hella Good", like oh my god. Especially as someone who grew up in the 2000s (granted, mid 2000s cos I'm an 04 baby), the music alone was more than enough to paint a picture of what the world looked like, if that makes sense?

Also, again, how music is used as a facilitator for connection, as is seen in the really touching scene between Benji and Tavy in episode 4, where they sing "Closing Time" by Semisonic, a much needed reconnection after the truth of the situation is forced to come out.

And then of course, my darling beloved dearest New Jersey Rats. The series that I had to force myself to cry over in the hospital waiting room knowing damn well it was my second watch by that point XD Tbh, I haven't much to say about musical implication in this series that I haven't already touched upon, other than the fact that I love how "Riptide" is the throughline for Jean's journey of freedom and growth, and his ability to be truly, sincerely himself once he is out from under the thumb of the system that suppressed him (there is an allegory in there I bet lol).

And I think that's really what it is. Sincerity. Connection. Nostalgia. The way music is used hitting on the core aspects of why it's so damn important, both culturally and as a tool. As a means of bringing people together, of remembering, and celebrating each other and our lives. And yet, it's one of the most, if not the most prevalent ways through which we have told stories and relayed messages pretty much since the beginning of time. Like there is something really beautiful and cool to me about audio roleplays being in keeping with that. It's a big part of why musicals appealed to me on the first place, yk?

And, not to have the obligatory "Saturday gets really sentimental at the end of the yap sessions" moment, but the way it's done really means a lot to me. Music has been a part of my life, part of me, both culturally and generally literally since I was born. But especially the music I grew up around and was introduced to was more than just snippets of songs that added to my music taste. Alot of the songs I heard were like, the backdrop for my human experience.

There are songs I could put on now, and remember beat for beat where I was, what I was going through, the exact thoughts in my mind. Songs I experience with great waves of emotions and memories of people, those whom I cannot divorce from the sound. Songs I could hum off key, and my friends would pick up the tune without missing a beat, prompted only by shared experience and love yk? Songs that carried me through moments in my life, drove my internal plot, and became the throughline for my own growth.

What I mean to say is, I think I find a bit of myself reflected in how music is used in these stories. Bits of how much music means to me reflected in it, you know? It's such an interesting and lovely thing to me. And ik I come on here and wax poetic about things because I'm so damn autistic, but damn it I get emotional 😭!

Cova dels Cavalls, Valltorta Ravine, Castellón , Spain (dated around 7,000 BC)

Both motion and time are fundamental aspects of art. Art itself is used to capture, rationalize and/or subvert our own interpretations of the world, so it makes sense that these concepts are so integral. Which is why I find this cave painting so interesting, because it proves that notion with simple, but effective use of these fundamentals.

I mean, motion is the most overt thing we see here, with the hunters depicted in pursuit, as well as the animals (I am assuming they're deer) with their legs sprawled, running or reacting to their pursuers. But time is also in effect here, with the positions of the archer varying. The one in the upper left seeming to idle, or perhaps he in in the process of reloading.

The deer as well, some being shot, the ones further back still unpierced. A pocket of time is being depicted here. And I'm sure that must seem like a super obvious, almost redundant statement. But my point is really that, even spanning before we had the language to interpret what we were depicting, artistic fundamentals, ones I would argue are rather sophisticated, have been expressed pretty much since the dawn of time.

-

I don't think we ever truly think about how much they've gone through. Alphonse with his parents and having to process what it means to nearly kill a man, Seth and his continuous abandonment, losing the love of his life, nearly witnessing that aforementioned murder. Oh yeah, and then going to fucking jail 😭 Who knows what he might have seen, what he has to endure. It's all speculative, maybe he saw nothing at all. But he was on prison, and that in and of itself does stuff to tour mindset (or so I've heard). Honestly, thinking about it, it actually makes his bleakness all throughout the end of CH2/beginning of CH3 make a lot more sense.

But back on the subject of the gang. Being in a space with such an insidious shared mindset, having to go out and hurt people, seeing the harm their continued participation brought upon people. That shit would fuck one's mind up for sure. And that's not even touching on the inherent dangers of being criminals. No matter how secure they are, there is always a chance to be found out. There is always a non-zero chance of violence. And of course, Seth was stealing from Derek, so there was an added pressure. How can you even relax in an environment like that? I'd imagine you really can't. What does prolonged anxiety, paranoia, do to the mind?

And ofc, conflict resolution could be hard at times, especially if you're predisposed to handling business without too much back talk. In fact, to quote Seth Directly from CH3EP1:

"I showed him what power and status could be like. I was hot shit, but not to anyone who who mattered."

There is another quote from Al I could pull, but what I'm especially getting at is that the two of them, while not directly in charge, ranked somewhere above the rest of Derek's grunts. And idk about y'all, but if I'm a grunt, I'm not questioning those two on shit 😭 But again, how would that effect conflict resolution. He'll, we kinda get a glimpse of that dysfunction during the confrontation scene in CH1.

Idk, again it's all speculation. And because I've never been in a gang, or to prison, I'm not going to sit here and say said speculation is an accurate analysis on how those traumas would re-appear for them. That said, these two have actually been through the damn ringer 😭 Maybe the next character should be a sexy hot therapist, cos omg.

I guess if nothing else, I wonder if we'll ever see any flash backs of what it was like for either of them growing and healing, like a specifical scenario. I highly doubt it, but it would also make for an interesting fic...

Trish stops by Sweet Pete's to grab a slice. He's not heard from the woman in like a week, and the moment he gets half a look at her, Pete can tell why. He's never seen her bob out of place, but it's clear she must be busting her ass to walk in looking so tired. And he's right, because before the two can even exchange hellos, Trish has started up venting in that cute, melodramatic way she does. And as Pete gets a fresh pie going, he's more than happy to lend an ear to her troubles (that and MAN did he miss that voice).

Anyhoot, it's clear by the time her pizza is done that she's already stressing about whatever busy quarterly, executive level ish she's going back to after this. Something something she's probably gonna be late, something something office jargon that he is barely following. She reaches for her food, only to find Pete just sliiiiightly too far away for her to reach, and he's got that damn grease triangle so close to his chest, you'd think he was nursing it. Trish, already a little on edge, is half puzzled, half unamused as he reaches to hand over the pizza, only to yank it back last second. And this asshole has the gal to smirk at her. He does this once, twice, and by the third time over, Trish's kitten heels are coming off. Your girl ain't leavin' without that damn slice.

Thus begins the chase. Pete barely books it to the back a second before Trish comes bolting behind the counter. She's on the hot pursuit, dodging the hoard of dusty old boxes in the backroom with a slightly alarming (and admittedly, kinda hot) level of agility, but that head start, plus his familiarity with the store seems to keep Pete one step ahead. He's considering slowing up and letting Trish claim her prize when he turns around and suddenly finds the store around him at a slant. At least that's what it looks like in the split second between him slipping on a pizza box, and his cushy body hitting the ground. The slice, which has long since cooled in the wind of the chase, has a short flight before coming down right on top of his head.

Trish just barely has time to cling to a nearby shelf before she slips on her own momentum and stockings, and lands with a thud (granted, a much quieter one than Pete's) on top of Pete. A bit of that fire is present in her, painting her face red until she fixes her crooked glasses and is met with the utterly ridiculous state the poor ole pizza man is in. And just like that, as if by magic, the stress of the day seeps from her shoulders, the only thing keeping them from fully relaxing being the slight shakes brought on by unstifleable, highly infectious laughter. Pete groans in old age agony beneath her, but between the chase and laughing, she can hardly catch her breath long enough to attempt an apology.

Pete is no better, only able to feign irritation for a moment before he finds himself also catching the chuckle bug. He reached up and dips his finger into the sauce dribbling down his head and has a taste, only to recoil on mock disgust at the taste of his "award winning" formula, now sullied with the addition of him as a topping. Trish follows, finally claiming her slice and having a big, victorious bite, managing a little "Mmmm" between the remnants of her giggles.

And they stay this way for a while. Trish pulls out a handkerchief and is dead set on wiping the sauce off of this man's forehead before she leaves, but it caught up short as Pete reaches forward and thumbs away a little off of her nose. He was only barely touching her then, just for support. But she could hardly move, stuck staring down at him, wondering how a the same fingers that punched three damn holes through the dough of her pizza can brush over her face like brush upon canvas, or navigate through her hair like he'd done it a million times before. What was he thinking...?

He wasn't, was the answer. Even Pete couldn't quite place his actions just then, his heart was pounding too damn hard to give anything a second thought. If he had, maybe he'd realize that this was far from the picturesque, tooth-rottingly sweet first date kiss he'd been planning for so long. It was just them, covered in sweat and sauce, toppled over onto the dirty floor of the back room of his pizza shop. And yet... And yet, even in this light, Trish was radiant, watching him with a gentleness that had damn near killed him the few, fortunate times he'd gotten to see it. God, she was going to be the end of him, and he couldn't wait.

Neither could Trish it seemed, as she and Pete began closing the gap, her hands pressed against his chest, waiting to be enveloped..

"CEO, entrepreneur

Born in 1964

Jeffery, Jeffrey Beeeezooooos"

The both of them jerked, locking eyes, mere inches apart before it finally clicked. Trish scrambled off the Pete, who on turn shot up like a kid caught behind the bleachers. Trish's phone did summer salts in her hands before she managed to get the thing unlocked and answered. And just like that, she was scurrying back towards the store front, gently quelling the worried barrage of questions that could only be coming from one, unmistakable redhead. Pete watched her with a small sigh, shaking his head with a chuckle as he followed, deciding to box up the rest of her pizza on the way out.

Trish was only just smoothing out her hair as Pete came in with the pie. In an instant, a mess of little apologies for the mess, for ghosting him, and thanks for the food game spilling from the woman, as if her thoughts we're attached to a faucet. She was scrambling to gather up the bills for her lunch, her face hot with embarrassment when the feeling hit her cheek. She just barely managed to catch Pete leaning up, having the time to notice that dumbass smirk before the chuckles we're back. She thanked him again, though, she didn't quite specify what for. But she didn't have to. He knew.

And with that, she made way back to the car, her eyes stuck lingering on Pete, and his attention no less fixed, until she was too far down the road to see. Still though, he lingered, leaned against the door frame silently swooning. It wouldn't be until his own phone buzzed in his pocket that the old stoner would consider going back in to clean up the mess.. Oh who was he kidding, he was gonna have Charlie clean that shit up for sure. He squinted down at the screen, griping something or the other about the brightness. But even with the eye strain, he could see it as clear as day. A text from Trish.

From: Triscuit

××:××

"U still owe me btw. How's 7:00, Saturday?"

Pete wasn't sure what to make of it. Was this one of her references, those "memes" she loved so much? What exactly did he "owe" her? He'd only just made it to the counter (and thank God, because the realization nearly took him out again) when the pieces began to fall into place. He felt the grin as it unfurled absolute his own finger tips. His free hand was moving before he could even collect his breath, smudging his screen a bit.

To: Triscuit

××:××

Note: I kinda refer to Boo almost like they're a character? Just know that "Boo" and "Listener" are interchangeable here ^^.

Another thing I really like about Bittersweet is Boo, and how the narrative is not afraid to treat them like an actual person. Or rather, how the narrative doesn't coddle them.

A real standout moment for me, one which caught me off guard on my first watch was Chapter 1 Episode 6 during Alphonse's confrontation with Seth, and ofc his blowup at Boo. Since BS was my first delve into longer form/narrative ASMR roleplay, I was coming in from the perspective of someone who'd mostly listened to typical bf asmr. The kind where the listener ftmp does no wrong (no shade ofc). So it definitely surprised me, but I found myself really into it.

Because, to be real, I agreed with Alphonse in that moment. Even though Boo's actions did result in Seth/Al's reconnection, they still overstepped a boundary without asking first. That was invasive, and unfair, imo. And Alphonse responding the way he did made sense. And the fact that Alphonse's feelings didn't have to be tempered or omitted for the sake of Boo/the listener speaks a lot to how well BS was written, and specifically how it trusted it's audience to be intelligent and mature enough to handle the conflict. And I like that a whole lot.

I think it's also worth noting that, while Alphonse and Seth care dearly for Boo, and want them to be safe, it never feels as though Boo is some sort of damsel that cannot survive outside of their line of sight. We see this in Chapter 3 Episode 3, where, though understandably nervous, Alphonse leaves Boo in the car while he and Seth handle business, trusting that Boo is capable of handling themself, even in a high stress situation like the one they were in. And ofc it's regularly alluded to that Boo is notorious for taking things into their own hands (hell, we see it towards the end of the same chapter when they literally smoke Derek 😭 ts was crazy), but I think their agency, and the other character's trust in them once again speaks to why I enjoy them and the plot so much.

Helpless characters tend to be a drag imo, quite literally in cases where the other characters are forced to drag them around in order to ensure their safety. Especially in situations that present lots of danger, it's extremely annoying to me. E s p e c i a l l y when it comes to insert content. I feel as though it simultaneously centers and excludes the listener/reader from the events of the plot. Centering in that it makes it so the characters must have their attention on the listener the whole time, but excluding in that, because the listener is entirely reliant on the other characters to handle things and to take care of them, they don't actually get to, ya know 👁👁 do anything. Like, it's kinda a snooze. I like how that consistency isn't the case with Boo. In fact, I think it's reasonable to say that the majority of the major story beats rely on Boo's involvement, which I prefer for insert stories.

I also want to touch on is pedestals and autism. As far of the former goes, I was kinda getting my life at the fact that Alphonse dispelled any worried Boo/listener might have had about him putting them on some pedestal. The plot acknowledges Boo as a fully formed, three dimensional person but so does Al. And from a listener perspective, I find that cathartic. Because, holy shit, being expected to maintain some unspoken images of yourself for a person is e x h a u s t i n g. And to be known fully, or as fully as someone can, and be accepted and loved all the same, in fact because of all of your facets, is real as hell.

The final thing I wanna touch on is autism, and how it effected my enjoyment of these elements of BS. That is to say, as an autistic person, an autistic adult with fluctuating support needs and interests that are seen as "childish", hell as a disabled person in general, experiencing a listener that gets to experience tenderness without being damn near infantalized to achieve it is EVERYTHING. Y'all aren't gonna get the tea on my day to day, but I think part of why I keep going back to BS might have something to do with my lived experience and how agency is very often stripped from you when someone realizes you're autistic. People become distrusting of your ability to accomplish simple tasks, let alone hard ones. Or worse off, they treat you like a baby that cannot navigate your way through conflict, danger, or even your own emotions.

And though none of the characters attempt to inhibit Boo out of some warped idea that they're incapable (like I mentioned before, it's well known that the opposite is true), seeing Boo take the reigns again and again, to see how much they're genuinely respected, and their resilience without having to downplay that which is soft about them means a lot to me.

You know, I always think it's important to be open about my identity, because you never know when someone younger than you might need to see another trans person older than them to believe it's possible. I'm not some trans elder, but neither was the trans man I met when I was a freshman in highschool. He was out and proud, and it was because of him that I felt safe enough to advocate for myself in highschool. I was that trans kid who needed to see him.

But what they don't tell you is that it isn't just the kids. My freshman years clearly hold some sort of transgender significance I guess, because one of my instructors this past semester was trans.

Except, I got the feeling they'd never told a soul before I got there.

I remember it clear as day. Me at the end of class, lingering behind, ironically waiting for the gay man next to me to finish asking his questions (and showing off his ridiculously hot husband?? Like WOW was he fine. Not the point tho). The conversation of queerness came up, and I took that as my opportunity to speak up about why I'd actually stayed behind: revealing my pronouns/gender situation.

I kept it simple, explained I was nonbinary, used XYZ pronouns, and was gearing myself up for, honestly? Rejection. But I was met with a lot of approval, an amount I wasn't prepared for in this little town in a southern state. They said that they'd probably have ended up just like me, had they the language back when they were young.

And that's what caught me. They would have ended up like me.

My instructor went on to explain how they never felt connected to womanhood. How they knew they weren't a lesbian, that they were attracted to men, but never in a woman way. How they'd only ever felt comfortable in masculine presenting clothes, and how they'd go by different pronouns, but it was just "too late for them now". At the time, I simply made conversation, nodded in agreement and explained that I felt very similar. And there was just something in their eyes, idk. Like I very well was the image of what they were supposed to be if not for the time, or the life they they'd already built.

It took me a week to properly digest it. For it to hit me late in the evening that I may have been the first person they'd ever really shared that with, how there was likely a man living inside of that body who never got a chance to flourish. Who believed they never would have that chance. It kept me up, putting a feeling of sickness and sorrow in me that went far deeper than my own gripes about my trans experience. Some ancestral shit. That was a trans elder, and I was their representation.

And I'm sure on some deeper queer level, them deciding to simply live as they are makes sense. Maybe I just don't get it, maybe it's an old fashioned thing. I believe they are around 60+ish or so? But every time they corrected themself on my pronouns, every time they made an effort to make me feel included, I wanted to reach over and do the same. Create that same space, and make it clear that I'd defend their right to live as they want. Only for it to hit me that it's just not my place. And now isn't the time, or ig wasn't the time.

My major opinion is that I was SICK TO MY STOMACHHHHHH.

Sincerely, I wasn't expecting the direction he went with David. Okay, well that's not entirely true, I definitely saw the setup for this trajectory, it's obviously given that the story is literally being told through David in therapy, I figured something went down for sure if it was enough to get his stubborn, proud ass in front of a shrink.

That said, him lapsing back into bullying definitely was quite the twist! It had me soooooo fucked up in the moments after the reveal, but having settled on it, I really think it was a good move for his character and the story Pebbles is telling. David's unstable basically non-existent support system paired with the dysfunction of his household lends perfectly to the way he reacts to criticism, and his inevitable fallout and decent.

That, and well, change is h a r d. And he isn't coping with it well, and I feel like him slipping back into familiar patterns, probs as a form of self defense, make a LOT of sense. Like, dgmw, he's very in the wrong rn. But one thing I really feel like Pebbles does well is laying groundwork for character flaws, then making you believe it with the follow through. It's what initially hooked me on The Mad King, one of the few yandere series I deeply enjoy.

I think my only major note would be that I do kiiiinda feel like the overtness of the bullying (especially in tandem with the cheerleader character) feels a little highschool to me? It's not even really a huge deal, plus they're college freshman. Additionally, I'm fortunate enough to like, not be bullied at college, so maybe it's indicative of how people do bully at college (and if so that's wild, like bullying at college is corny irl). But idk, it's not a major put off.

I do also think SS and William could have been more attentive to David 😭 I don't think David is wrong for feeling utterly neglected if for weeks on end, his closest friends totally stop showing up for him. Especially Shortstack, lowkey. As a college student who does NOT play about my grades, I feel like they could have communicated more 😩✋🏽 But in that same breath, this is new for SS and Billy too. I think the whole thing going down from David's retrospective perspective in therapy is that it perfectly illustrates how his ass is nawt thinking about anyone but himself, and his own struggles and experiences.

College was a big adjustment for me, and a lot of what made that easier was the ppl I love giving me a looooot of grace 😩 so yeah, idk, mixed feelings.