Anxiety. 

Recently a friend (Christopher Saint Booth) posted about his experience with anxiety. My eyes moved over the text and I was saddened and scared to think so many others might really be experiencing this horrible and debilitating disease.  My eyes fall to my lap and my thoughts wander, a feeling of guilt moves over me.  I once laughed after a mentoring session with someone who had anxiety.  The woman was crying, had lost control, and talked about anxiety like a villain.  I was a young undergraduate college student then, someone who’s day-to-day worries was bills, parties, gas money.  I rolled my eyes at the narrative the woman gave and after her session could only think, “C’mon lady, get a grip.”  I didn’t absorb much of the ‘anxiety’ chapter because a big part of me thought it was a joke.  A weakness of the mind, a confused person, someone who was playing the victim card a bit too hard. I felt shame and the sting of karma as now, anxiety rules me. 

About a year ago, I had an emergency gallbladder removal surgery that seemed to start the snowball.  At least that is what we try to do, right? Figure out where it all began?  I didn’t have ‘issues’ before then, aside from the killer ‘heartburn’ that turned out to be 32 lodged gallstones in the neck of my gallbladder.  A year of breastfeeding guilt and anti-acid meds to find out it was something else.  I had never had a surgery and I was scared.  At this point in my life, I had suffered with PCOS and related pain, childhood abuse and related psychological stress, and one anxiety attack that hit me in 2009; one, single, scare.  After the gallbladder was taken, I had a string of complications. Due to diastasis recti, a stitch pulled and got infected. Internal suture infection led to colitis related issues and a month of GI antibiotics and sickness.  An endoscopy and colonoscopy later, a tumor was removed and more polyps than ‘normal for my age’ were taken and I started to feel ‘somewhat okay’ again.  I still struggled with food, could barely eat, but the weight loss and food awareness was good for me. A lifestyle change I could work with, but a new ‘nervousness’ was inside me.  Some days I would wake up and be light headed, I felt like my whole body had lost circulation, and it was hard to breath.  The doctors associated the symptoms to stress, GI issues post surgery (6 months for some people to start getting back to normal was the go-to response) and also insulin resistance PCOS symptoms.  Blood was taken, tests were run, but nothing really recommended.  OBGYN issues continue, I prepare my body as best I can to enter into the Police SKILLS Academy, and my doctor puts me on a high dose of progesterone.  The depression and anxiety really kick in. 

Some days I am suddenly overwhelmed with sickness, puking, dizziness, as if I’m on the top of a roller coaster ride I don’t want to be one. How did I even get here? My heart is pumping through my chest, “oh my god is this a heart attack?” Racing thoughts, panic, my kids are in the car as I’m driving, get a hold of yourself, “God, Sarah you’re a psychologist for fucks sake! Get a hold of yourself!” Panic, guilt, shame, depression, worthlessness, what is wrong with me - thoughts of feeling broken and overwhelmed.  Maybe it lasts a minute, maybe three minutes, maybe the whole length of your meditation playlist.  Sometimes it strikes in the morning over breakfast or perhaps like recently, it strikes during a big celebration dinner out with family and you end the night crying, puking, balled up in the parking lot.  The anxiety has taken control. 

Late nights wondering how you got here, and how suddenly something has ‘slipped in’.  How does something become so powerful, so debilitating, so out of control?  You count down from 10, you feel the environment around you, I use all the hypnosis tools I have and yet I find myself victimized by my own body.  I finally decided to start writing about it, to start learning more about it, to go back to that 20 year old Sarah that tuned out the wisdom of others and to start listening.  I have researched for over a year and conversed with colleagues and it also takes a lot of trust in your own body; something that has become foreign to me.  My general doctor recommends SSRI’s and the ever popular Valium to have on hand for when the anxiety strikes.  Combined with therapy, one hopes that the anxiety lessens.  I am a Virgo control-freak, which means that I take the reigns, sell the horse, barter the bridle, and do what I want. 

The photographer sits down on the ‘couch’.  The Forensic Psychologist takes out his Zebra F-30. 

*click*

A recent collaboration with a dear friend resulted in images that were far beyond my intuition could have expected. As an artist and Virgo, I always plan. Hell, I over plan till I kill the creativity hiding inside. It's my curse.  So, when my three assistants (make-up, reflector, prop help, fellow shooter, partner in crime, fail-safe) couldn't make it to our photo shoot because of a bully-of-a-thunderstorm hit Minneapolis, I was in panic mode.  The Virgo in me was screaming to get out while the creativity managed to escape through a side-door my plotting Routine had failed to log. My conscious was busy stressing and in the meantime, from somewhere else, fun started to happen.  Thespians call that a cathartic impromptu moment that results in ‘epiphany’ whereas a soothe-sayer calls it channeling.  Spirit of the Universe starts to flow through you and it only happens in the purest forms when we can step outside of ourselves to just LET IT HAPPEN.  Raw art. 

The bartender raises a glass: Usually just add the right whiskey. 

(Collective thought visualizes this is how Jay & Silent Bob, Cheech & Chong, Matt & Ben, and other great collaborators step out of self for these creative moments)

Sometimes it's so simple you slap yourself for missing it.  Sometimes the coolest shit - the wow stuff - is found in the details; Gestalt Psychology showing us as a cryptic message meant only for us in that moment.  Directors and actors like to recreate that moment. They live to tell that story that brought upon emotional channeling. To change the world and perpetuate something that resonated within them.  The Forensic Psychologist might call that Narcissism.  Linguistics call it the Sweet Spot.

Photographers hope to be lucky enough to capture it, always carrying their trusty camera.  We don't want to recreate it, we want to catch it for ourselves to share with others. Our very own lightening bug in a jar. Giving the dream a stick and leaf,  Look what I've captured; look what I've shot. 

Great Comedian taps the mic: “ Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.”

Linguistics and Forensic Psychologists would agree that might also be called Narcissism.  The irony, regardless of the connotation, and the real irony - the observation effect requires a recipient.  We want to SHARE our accomplishment. We want others to see, respond, and most importantly - connect.  We want to feel something beyond ourselves to elevate our experience on this crazy planet.  We want more than the physical, we want pride, honor, respect, and dare we ask love.  Love in all its forms: infatuation, sympathetic, empathetic, conditioned, unconditioned, pure.  We want...  

The Forensic Psychologists nods again to Narcissism.

How can a true Psychopath be associated to violence when the infamous indicating factor is narcissism?  If we kill everyone, then what? The ultimate end goal is to gain pure love from another person and keep them with you for life.  Connection with others moves us, motivates us, because we cannot relish in our rewards if we are alone. It doesn't work that way.

The sociologist speaks up: It is illustrated in Facebook success. The growing age of Millennials that have shown Kitty Genevieve can be watched by millions and still no one steps up to the plate.  We want likes. We want SHARES.  We want as many people to see as possible because it elevates the probability to connect with others and the more connections you have - the more likely you might achieve pure love. The momentum snowballs.  

Energy connection.

The physicist lifts a finger in the air:  is a quantum mechanical effect that only occurs between identical particles. Despite sometimes being called an exchange force in analogy to classical force, it is not a true force, as it lacks a force carrier. Connection matters.

The modern philosopher J.P. Spears might even agree: Being Ultra Spiritual means you Look Ultra spiritual.

So, with that mind fuck I give you the inner ramblings of the Thick of It.  A moment I love because it is weird, unplanned, beautiful, raw and it came from me but I didn't realize it.  I hope the model loves it as much as I do.  The Forensic Psychologist hopes you'll SHARE it and perpetuate more of my art so I can do it more - because I want.

I'm human.

I'm an Ultra-Spiritual Narcissist.

I turned to a brave notion in 2012 that I needed to ask some questions to someone who might be the only American brave enough to answer my haggling emails, Dr. James Fallon.  I had read his articles and followed his work for some time (being that my graduate studies in Forensic Psychology specialized in psychopathy) and I figured that reaching out could only be met with two possibilities: growth or decline.  I needed something, mostly change and advice. To my surprise, he answered my first email with his contact information and soon we were chatting late into the evening hours. He has since stepped up as a mentor of sorts and provided me with many great perspectives and hints along my journey into a doctoral program for Forensic Psychology and watching his research continue to grow is exciting. Some would say he is breaking great ground in fighting the taboo and stigma that America holds for the sick admiration (and fallacy) of what they believe to be The Psychopath. 

I hardly believe Dr. Fallon wakes in the night half naked to run woman out of his home with gleaming white tennies and a roaring chainsaw but most would have that image come to mind when hearing he is a self-professed psychopath.  His book, The Psychopath Inside, James discusses his adventure towards discovering his own psychopathic label through a series of self-exploration and synchronicity with neuropsychological research.  He has the genes, the family tree entangled with psychopathy and even family members professing his callous ways but more importantly, Dr. James Fallon is not a crazed killing machine. In fact, his research is helping to encourage the battle over Alzheimer’s and illuminating the ailments of the human brain that have long been in the shadows and folds of mystery.  So what does he call himself? A term he is utilizing is ‘pro-social psychopath’.

Mistress of Death Review: Haunted By the Abyss

I need to point out going into this review that anytime the preface of a review includes a description about how sane someone is an how they’ve been tested for mental illness, I get concerned about where the book is headed. Haunted by the Abyss lead up to my expectations. Sarah Soderlund describes her difficult life growing up with a connection to the paranormal. In Haunted by the Abyss,…