#samuelrambles

This I must let off my chest. One of the many tangents my mind likes to go off on before I jaggedly move into a state of sleep - not to say drift into because I wouldn't describe it as smoothly as that - is the many responses I get to my behavior, to which I think very much about to an almost unhealthy extent. Perhaps it's the teaching my mother has pummeled into me that I will never be normal, and my behavior will always be erratic and odd, to which she does not utter anymore but the idea most certainly continues to dwell in her mind if she said it so often so long ago. It's to my misfortunate that I now must come to the presumption from the whims of my anxious mind that people do not think I am normal. Perhaps this has been an ongoing issue, but as mental health awareness became more recognized I noted as the r slur faded out due to its political incorrectness and derogatory implications - the usage of the very terminology of the medical disorders associated with social delays or that were once more stigmatized came quick to replace the slur itself in a deceivingly more playful manner. Thrown around as an inquiry to an individual if they have or have not yet been evaluated is most common nowadays. Oftentimes I don't think to talk about this as I will be believe to be looking too far into this, however there is always a deeper meaning to things, trust me. I jest not when I describe myself as neurotic, I lose count of the times I have spiraled into deep rumination into how casually these topics have been embedded into our language, and how I personally am affected by it, as well as others. Sometimes it seems yes, some people benefit with the recognition of it and are comfortable with this, however this seems to extend onto labeling people who are socially not "normal" who despite this social ineptness; have no presence of a neurological or developmental disorder (not at all related to a mental illness developed by traumatic events or prolonged exposure to abuse). Of course, most mean no ill intent with this, however it introduces a plausible deniability to those who truly do mean to be cruel towards others in their own cowardly ways. This topic grows in my mind like a benign tumor..the presence similar to a persisting cough with enough of a wheeze to have you worry that you've contracted tuberculosis. I sign off here, 2:28 AM, to get a cup of tea and medicate because I am short of breath.