seen from Australia
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So I haven’t been on this site in...years? Lots I forgot about. Apparently, some additions to one of my Spotify playlists gets posted here. That’s funny.
Oh, and I’m married now! So that’s exciting. Apparently I was dating Robert when I was last on here, as he’s in my cover photo.
This isn’t like, a big return or anything. Just a fun little visit and an unplanned update.
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I actually got up this morning and did yoga! Hurray for good days!
I'm celebrating 6 months of officially being with this handsome goober tomorrow! I don't think I've shared an photos of him, so here's my boo, Robert.
Emotions Ahead
I really feel like I fucked up something great because I was scared and I'm realizing that tonight and I'm upset. Four dates with a guy (R) felt genuine connection and appreciation and fondness etc. Felt the need to leave and couldn't explain why. One date tonight, the kind of person I don't want but went on with the date anyway because I thought it would make me happy. It didn't. Came home and after settling in bed I started missing R like massively. I realized it was because I was scared with how loved I felt and how things ended the last time I felt so loved by anyone. I...I don't like this. I don't know if I can commit to R because I might be moving but might not and I don't know if I could do the distance but damn now I think I might. I want to be able to say "YES I can commit to you fully!" BUT I CAN'T I don't want to be scared and I want to be able to commit and I want to know exactly why I'm feeling what I'm feeling because I'm not sure what I think is right other than I don't care of I never see tonight guy again and I really want to see R again and again and again and be happy. I'm so torn and distraught and it sucks in a way I've never felt before.
Update on corps director guy. We got dinner and he paid. So that was really sweet.
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So, like, I got back on Tinder recently and, um, I matched with a corps director.
What is my life???? I’m gonna sleep on it.
Last night I dreamt I wrote an opera (which was being rehearsed in my house) where the last scene the male lead is dressed as a dog with a bone in his mouth, dancing hypnotically to strange ambient sound because he was on drugs. I woke up to find I had Become Ocean by John Luther Adams on loop all night and everything made sense.
It's so hard not to get stuck in the past sometimes.
I've been working hard on how to let go and move on for almost a year now, but I'm getting hung up on things not only from them but from things a few months ago, too. I know things ended for the best. I know it's hard. I know my goals are worth it. I really want to get into grad school, but it's so easy to miss pursuing (and having) romance and it really deals a number to my motivation. It's not what I need and I have to learn to rely on myself. I need to push myself. I have to work hard to pursue it. I know I can do it, but it doesn't make it any easier. Here's hoping for a better (as far as this goes) day tomorrow and more excitement for the future.
