Emotions Ahead
I really feel like I fucked up something great because I was scared and I'm realizing that tonight and I'm upset. Four dates with a guy (R) felt genuine connection and appreciation and fondness etc. Felt the need to leave and couldn't explain why. One date tonight, the kind of person I don't want but went on with the date anyway because I thought it would make me happy. It didn't. Came home and after settling in bed I started missing R like massively. I realized it was because I was scared with how loved I felt and how things ended the last time I felt so loved by anyone. I...I don't like this. I don't know if I can commit to R because I might be moving but might not and I don't know if I could do the distance but damn now I think I might. I want to be able to say "YES I can commit to you fully!" BUT I CAN'T I don't want to be scared and I want to be able to commit and I want to know exactly why I'm feeling what I'm feeling because I'm not sure what I think is right other than I don't care of I never see tonight guy again and I really want to see R again and again and again and be happy. I'm so torn and distraught and it sucks in a way I've never felt before.
