#sailoryue

(Aziraphale also has a sneaking suspicion that God would enjoy this development immensely, but Satan is a legitimate threat. He just lost his son to a human father. Learning that one of his primary lords is snogging an archangel on Earth would not go over well)

There’s a moment where Beelzebub and Gabriel just plan to finally kill them, but Crowley comes up behind Aziraphale with some not-so-subtle hints about his past. You’re gonna fight me? A former Seraphim? The demon who stopped time while Satan himself was crawling out of the crust of the Earth? You’re gonna take me on AND this pissed-off Principality? 

(Aziraphale doesn’t look very pissed off, but somehow his politely folded hands are a lot scarier than the bat Crowley’s still holding) 

So they back off, agreeing to leave their friendship be if Crowley and Aziraphale keep their own secret. Everyone parts ways wary

Except that Earth is the only safe-ish place for an angel and demon to consort and for SOME REASON these two idiots refuse to go anywhere except London. Specifically Soho. So Aziraphale and Crowley keep running into them in the worst ways possible

And after a while they realize that this is... not good. Because they’ve had thousands of years to both learn secrecy (badly implemented though it was) and develop a respectful relationship. Gabriel and Beelzebub have none of that. They’re either going to get themselves caught in a record amount of time or break things off because neither of them have been respectful in their goddamn lives. Crowley definitely spotted them man-handling each other one afternoon and not in the ‘Ooh kinky’ kind of way. Getting caught will make things worse for everyone involved. Breaking up means loss of their blackmail material 

Cue a repeat of the drunk scene where Crowley and Aziraphale get absolutely wasted in an effort to come up with a solution (they do their best thinking while drunk). Crowley has been binging Disney films the last few days and with mind swimming in alcohol he hits on the answer: fairy godmothers. We need to teach these idiots how to date properly---Wait. Do we know how to date?---and set up situations where good romantic shit happens, like the godmother did for Cinderella 

Thus Operation Devil’s & Angel’s Food Cake commences (Aziraphale came up with the name). They shake on it

For the next couple of months Crowley and Aziraphale go out of their way to keep these two fools together by whatever means necessary. Crowley takes Beelzebub shopping to impress Gabriel with their new fashion sense. Aziraphale tells Gabriel that he’s heard some human societies eat flies, which Beelzebub will either view as a delicacy or horrifying cannibalism---a win-win either way. Both of them are dropping miracles left and right that they hope their respective offices don’t look too closely at. There are long powerpoints about consent and agency and Only Being a Dick in a Fun Way. Somewhere along the line they actually get their apology and it’s suitably awkward

Of course, neither of them actually know what the hell they’re doing

What they do know is that they’re fighting for their friendship... while also each desperately wanting more. Each time they pull off a semi-successful date there’s a pang of, “I wish I could do this with Crowley/Aziraphale”... but the other wouldn’t want that. Certainly not. It’s been 6,000 years! You think I don’t know what they’re interested in at this point? It’s impossible and I won’t think about it a moment longer... 

Halfway through they explain everything to Anathema, Newt, and the Them. “I’m sorry, your plan is what exactly?” “Well, dear, it’s admittedly all a bit complicated. Rather hard to explain, really. Why it’s almost---” “Angel if you end that sentence with ‘ineffable’ you’re dead to me.” What she finally manages to get out of all this is that they’re two love-sick idiots trying to help two other love-sick idiots and honestly there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to help her through this