Just the tiniest of drabbles because the image was in my mind.Â
CW: Trauma response, references to institutional violence, scarring, guilt/self-loathing thoughts, not much here to warn for but if you see something that needs tagged that I didnât mention let me know
Tagging Chrisâs crew: @burtlederp , @finder-of-rings , @endless-whump , @whumpfigure , @stxckfxck , @slaintetowhump , @astrobly , @newandfiguringitout  , @doveotions and @oofowouchies and @orphceus for Antoni (it wouldnât let me tag your other blog but you requested to be added!)
Takes place simultaneously to the Safehouse Raid, so youâll want to read the first piece of that series to have context for this
The darkness around them is total, with a soft weight like velvet against Antoniâs skin, pressing from all sides, as he and Leila make their way with bare feet moving soundless against the slightly damp stone.Â
Who made this tunnel, nobody seems to know, exactly. Nat told them it was here when she bought the house, used to be used to people in the 70â˛s to do the same thing that Antoni and Leila are doing now.
How many people have crept through this space, holding hands like he and Leila are, gripped tight with cold fingers and clammy palms, unwilling to let go? How many? A handful? Two dozen? A hundred?
The silence is so deep that their breathing seems to echo off the walls. Even adjusted to the dark he canât see Leila, only feel her leading the way. She is the one who keeps them moving, because Antoni would go back, if she let go. So she never lets him go.
âChris is still back there,â He whispers, and the sound is like a shout muffled, a cry swallowed by the stone.
Thereâs a dripping sound, somewhere, ahead or behind he canât tell. Water condensing in the coolness and running down to the ground. He can feel the damp under his feet as he walks, slippery. Never run in the tunnel, Nat told them when they did their safety drills. Walk quickly, but donât run.
âI know,â Leila replies, and her voice is flat and featureless. He canât see her but he knows, anyway, what he could see if there was any light - her short black hair chopped close to her chin, the pale of her skin, the way her eyes would be narrowed and her jaw set in her determined stubbornness. âHe didnât move fast enough.â
Antoni is silent, as they move like specters under the houses of Natâs neighbors, under streets, a faint rumble of cars above their heads. This tunnel was here before the city came out this far and the houses and lives lived above them came after it.
What was there, in the time when they made this, to run from? Antoni doesnât know. Maybe he never knew, or maybe itâs part of what he lost when they took his mind and wiped it clean, started over.
âThey will hurt him,â Antoni tries again, and her hand only tightens its grip.
âI know,â She says again.
âHe must be so frightened, Leila-â
âAntoni.â Her voice is sharp. It cuts through the velvet dark like the flash of light off a knife. âStop it.â
Antoni feels his composure cracking, the sudden flare of a thousand burns under his clothes. One more sin he canât atone for, one more betrayal he cannot fix, one more one more one more one more-
âI canât just leave him there-â
Leilaâs hand rips from his and just as suddenly her palms are pressed to either side of his face, pulling his head down close to hers, until their foreheads are touching. He still canât see her, nothing but the faintest glimmer of her eyes. He wonders if they are as full of tears as his.Â
âIf they take him, thereâs nothing we can do,â Leila says, voice fierce and hoarse, thick with rage and grief. âIf you were there, theyâd take you, too, send you back, weâd lose you. Sometimes-...â She was quiet, and he could hear her breathing, harsh exhales, deep inhales. âSometimes you lose people, Ant. Thatâs just how it is.â
âI-I... I canât accept that. Not for him-... heâs so young, he needs us so much, and what heâll... what heâll be sent back to, Leila, you havenât seen his nightmares-â
âI have nightmares, too! So do you! So do all of us!â
âNot... not like this, not like his, you do not hear what he says in his sleep-â
âThen fucking go back if you want to! Go on! Get caught and go back to your owner but I am never going back to mine! I donât care who I lose, I donât care who might have to get left!â Leila loses her careful control, her voice rises to a wail, bouncing back at them off the stone, and Antoni flinches away from the sudden volume.Â
âWe have to get to the bus stop. We have to. Nine will be waiting for us, Nat said, she promised. And Chris is a good hider, maybe heâll... maybe heâll be okay. Jake is there, right? Jake would-... would do anything for him.â
âIf they take him back, Jake would not go with him, Leila, but if I were there I could... I could go, and we could be together until we were r-refurbished- I could help him know he would not be alone when they erase him-â
Her hand presses to his mouth, forces him to stop speaking, as she gasps in a breath. âDonât ever say that, Ant, donât you dare! He wonât get wiped!â
âYou know theyâll wipe him, Leila! If they take us back, we get erased again!â
âItâs-... itâs a numbers game,â Leila whispers, repeating something theyâve all heard Nat saying before, murmuring to herself, a reminder every time thereâs some news story about someone so happy to reclaim a stray pet, another safe place or shelter lost... âItâs a numbers game. One going back is better than two Maximize the good, minimize the bad. Now come the fuck on.â
She drops her hand and grabs him by the arm, dragging him forward with her down the tunnel, walking now with a determined speed and no attempt to stay silent.
âListen to me.â She doesnât stop walking and her nails dig into his arm through his shirt, unknowingly pressing sharp edges into burn scars, lighting them up all over again. âI am going to get you to Nine. We are going to keep walking, here where weâre safe, and if Chris gets put back then Iâm sorry, but I canât help him now, I can only help you.â
âHeâll be so scared-â
âSo are we! Weâre scared, too!â She jerks his arm and Antoni stumbles forwards. Thereâs a hint of a slightly lighter enveloping black, maybe even a gray - they might be getting closer to the end of the tunnel, to where they can come up in a small city maintenance shed using a loose few boards in the floor and find the bus stop where Nine should already be idling in his car, waiting and waiting for them, hoping they moved faster than the men and women who pursue them.
âJake will hide him,â Leila says firmly. âHe knows all the dark places, and Chris knows as well as any of us that heâs only safe in the dark.â
She sighs. âAntoni, I donât think they ever meant to, but... they taught us that the dark is the safest place for us. It's in the light that we die. Itâs in the light they can take us and wipe us clean and rebuild. If Jake can get Chris into a dark place, heâll know not to leave it.â
âAnd if he canât? If he cannot get him to the dark places to hide?â
Another pause. It draws and draws and draws and now Antoni can definitely begin to see the outline of Leila ahead of him, the slightest hint of light at the end of the tunnel awaiting them. The air smells cleaner, fresher now. Theyâre getting closer.Â
He hasnât heard anyone behind them. They havenât found the secret door, or they donât know what it is, or maybe... or maybe theyâre just even quieter than the two rescues and someone will reach out and grab him at any moment, and heâll hear a low soft voice with an English accent whisper in his ear, hello, love, arenât you happy to see me?
âThen Chris goes back to the light,â Leila says, and her voice is hard. Uncaring, even as Antoni can hear the lie. âAnd we donât. Heâs gone and weâre not and thatâs all there is to it.â
Nine is waiting for them in a nondescript beige-gray-nothing-color four-door at the bus stop, just like Nat promised. Leila slides into the front seat and Antoni collapses across the back, his chest a twisting mass of guilt that curls inside him, heavy as stone, weighing him down as he curls up on his side.Â
âI thought there would be three of you,â Nine says, glancing over his shoulder in the direction theyâd come from. âYoder said to expect three.â
âOnly two,â Leila answers, crossing her arms across her chest and sitting back against the seat. âThe other one didnât make it.â
âAlready, we stop using his name?â Antoni closes his eyes against the rush of guilt and tears.
Chris is going to be gone, again, all the identity heâd built stolen, erased back to factory standards. And it will be Antoni who left him to the death that comes with going back to the white walls, white lights, white floor.Â
Nine clears his throat. âAre you... are you sure I shouldnât wait a few more minutes, just in case-â
âDonât wait.â Leila doesnât look back at Antoni, and she doesnât look back the way they came. Leila never looks back at all. âThe third one isnât coming. Just drive. Jake will do what he can.â
Antoni has never felt so small, so mean, so... worthless. âI-I could have-â
âNo, you couldnât. Youâd just get thrown back in there, too. Better two saved than two refurbished.â
âIâm... Iâm sorry,â Nine says softly as he pulls away. âI know what it means to lose someone.âÂ
Do you, Antoni wonders. Do you even have fucking clue?
If Chris did make it into the tunnel, heâd only come out to nothing and no one waiting to help him, because... because Antoni is a coward.
Because Antoni ran and didnât stay.
Because he saved himself and left someone else to suffer.
âI will go back tomorrow,â He whispers. âI am going. You cannot stop me.â
âHeâll be gone.â Leila keeps her eyes on the road ahead, but he can see the set of her jaw, the curve of it. Stubbornness, determination. Strength Antoni could never hope to possess. âYou know he wonât be there. Theyâll take him. You can go back if you want, but Chris wonât be there.â
âI do not care. I will go back for him, even-... even if there is no him to find.â
She snorts. âHave it your way.â
Then, a pause, and she says, a little more softly. âIâm... Iâm sorry, Antoni. I know Iâm... I know-... I could be softer, but-â
âNot everyone is made for soft,â Antoni murmurs, and though he canât see her answering hint of a smile, he can feel it.Â
âIf I think about it Iâll lose my fucking mind,â She says, softly. âI have to focus on who I can save, and not who I canât. You know?â
He can understand. Even if he still feels like as much the monster as any of the ones who had been knocking the door off the hinges when he and Leila stopped waiting and ran.Â
Silence, other than the low hum of the radio, public news station reporting a story about some kind of law passed about taxes.Â
After the awkward, tense silence has dragged on and on and on, Nine clears his throat again.
âHey, uh... whatâs your name?â
âAntoni.â Coward. Piece of shit. Ashtray. Whatever you want it to be.
âGreat. Yeah, okay. Uh... look. Iâll drive you back here tomorrow. You can take the tunnel back in to check and see if the, uh, the third one is in the house still. Okay?â
Antoni swallows and nods, curling into himself. His skin is on fire, he can feel every burn all at once, lit up like tiny suns digging deeper and deeper beneath the layers, searching for nerves and bone and muscle and vein to damage and destroy.
â"Itâs not a problem.â
âItâs not a problem,â Nine repeats, making a left, calming checking his mirrors, driving with absolute caution borne from a need to never ever have his fake ID checked. âYou can go back and see if your guy is still there, yeah? Did you have to leave, like... your partner, your-.. your, uh... your bonded? Or-â
âHe is not my bonded,â Antoni says, softly. âI will go back for him anyway.â
Please, if there is anything but hell left here on earth, let him still be Chris.