Shouldn’t Have Done That, OvkS

Let’s get right into it.

1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”

I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.

2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.

That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.

3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.

I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.

4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.

I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.

5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.

If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.

If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.

After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.

6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.

They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.

Now, it is.

7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.

8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.

That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.

In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.

8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)

So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.

9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.

I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.

All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.

10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.

Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.

Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.

So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.

As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.

The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(

All of this was just the breaking point, really.

The night is quiet, a contrast from how the Safehouse is in the morning. There’s barely a single moment of silence with how Jimmy goes around with the sole purpose of messing with people. It’s like he’s allergic to being calm—whenever he isn’t blackout drunk, that is.

Dallas doesn’t hate him, but it’s hard to take a nap in the annex where all of their bedrooms are. (Sangres is usually enough to distract the guy… usually.)

The Crew Chief works late into the night, his eyelids drooping with exhaustion, his legs becoming numb from sitting in a chair all day.

Just five more minutes, Dallas thinks to himself again and again, resisting the temptation to take a nap. This work isn’t gonna do itself.

There’s a point where he decides to rest his eyes, blacking out on his desk with no sense of how much time has passed. He softly snores, mind melting away into sludge. It’s cold over here. His back hurts, but he can’t find the energy to get up.

Nathan stays like that for a while until he registers the faint sound of a door creaking open. Someone—with just as much insomnia to rival his own—walks in, steady footsteps coming toward him, though Dallas doesn’t move. His eyes are open just a crack, not quite asleep but not quite awake, either.

It’s Bain—Dallas can tell by his build. The navigator stands there, thinking about what he should do next. Dallas finds his indecisiveness different from how Bain normally presents himself, quirking a lip up at how cute that is. His guide is out of sight for a few moments, stooping down to slide an arm under Dallas’ knees, the other one supporting his neck and back.

Nathan watches as his Watcher gently cradles him against his broad chest, soft yet carrying a hidden strength. He can almost fall asleep against him, but the Crew Chief wants to be awake for this. Bain hasn’t noticed that he’s pretending to be unconscious just as an excuse to spend time with him.

It’s a bittersweet feeling when the leader manages to open the door to his Caporegime’s bedroom, making sure to strip the sheets off the bed before laying him onto the mattress. Bain tucks Nathan in so that he doesn’t freeze tonight, patting down the blankets.

The navigator looks nervous, glancing toward each possible entrance into the house, and Dallas is curious as to what he’ll do next. Bain breathes a sigh of relief, seemingly hyping himself up before leaning down to brush his lips against his Crew Chief’s forehead. It feels like freedom, smells like seafoam. He stands there for a moment, halfway embracing him, reluctant to leave.

When Bain metaphorically tears his feet off the ground to walk away from Dallas, he finally decides to bite the bullet as he shuffles over to the door to close it. Moonlight filters in through the half-open blinds, illuminating Bain’s features and giving him an ethereal appearance. Dallas can almost imagine a halo around his head as he tries his best to make sure the mattress doesn’t squeak when he slips underneath the covers right next to him. Nathan is grateful for the darkness—his Watcher would’ve seen his smile. He’s awesome when he pretends to be unfazed, but adorable when he drops the act.

Dallas feels his navigator’s gaze on him for long enough that he takes the chance to lazily shift towards him. The mastermind leans into Bain’s form, his warmth surrounding him, flowing through him like a gentle breeze. Hands grasp his shoulders, quickly accepting the circumstances, pulling him in close enough to where Dallas can smell his cologne. The blanket is soft, but Bain’s touch is softer as he wraps his arms around Nathan, almost protectively.

The rise and fall of his Watcher’s chest is a comfort to him, and he can’t resist reciprocating his hug with a sigh. Bain hardly even flinches, to his credit. It feels like this can last forever, this loving touch, the time they’re spending together.

It’s not enough.

It’ll never be enough.

When Nathan wakes up in the morning, there is a sense of happiness in his heart. The cologne is still faintly there, almost comforting him through the absence of warmth. Once, it was like being splashed with cold water. Now, it’s a tug on something that has long ceased to exist. It’s as if it were real.

The clock reads 3 AM, staring at it unblinkingly before turning back around.

He sighs.

He must have fallen asleep while going through Bain’s things.

His navigator was like a gentle breeze, there for a moment. One moment, and he is left with this, only this. He is left with shambles of what could’ve been.

Nathan closes his eyes.