#sad steve

steve’s brain is throwing him for a loop (his dad has a cement hold on him from when he was little) and has been for months, telling himself that he’s not good enough/doesn’t deserve to love somebody, that no one can love him, that his dad would kill him if he found out he was dating the town freak, let alone a boy, that eddie will find someone to give him the care and love he deserves, that it won’t come from someone who has battles within himself everyday because why would his brain lie to him?

steve knocking on eddie’s trailer door and saying in the most care-free, condescending, heart-breaking tone of voice ever that he’s breaking up with him & that he doesn’t love him anymore.

that couldn’t be further from the damn truth; he was pacing in his room before he came over and running his hands furiously through his hair, wondering how he’d be able to say something so detrimental and make it sound real.

eddie thinks steve is joking at first. he gives a chuckle and rolls his eyes, but his brows furrow and his face drops when steve doesn’t laugh.

“you are joking, right? because i don’t think i can handle it if you weren’t”

steve stays silent and leans against the threshold of eddie’s front door with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

he doesn’t say anything and just looks down at his feet.

eddie’s brain is going a million miles a minute. he turns around and starts pacing the living room. his biggest fear is coming true, the person he loves being done with him, over him. like he’s a christmas present that hit it’s two-week mark. throwing him away like they’ve gotten their use out of him.

“so that’s it, huh? you’ve just fallen out of love with me, is that it?”

steve stays silent.

“because i don’t believe that for a second.” eddie’s voice breaks at the last word. “if it’s me, i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. i’ll fix whatever i did wrong. i can’t lose you, steve.” eddie’s begging, pleading. he’s hysterical.

steve just closes his eyes tightly, not being able to look at the man who’s heart he just shattered.

eddie raises his arms and places his hands on top of his head, face twisting up in such heartbreak. “no. no, don’t do this to me.” he fucking whispers. so pathetically, so broken.

steve opens his eyes, wet with tears.

“i know. i’m sorry.” he’s straight faced, barely looks at him for longer than a second.

“please, steve. i know you still love me. you do. lie to me. do something. you can’t do this to me.” eddie steps closer to him, tips of shoes touching tips of shoes.

steve steps back. eddie’s heart shatters into even smaller pieces than before.

he readjusts himself and pulls out his wallet. he opens it and pulls out the very first Polaroid they took together after they started dating two and a half years ago.

“here, i don’t want it. keep it” he hands it to eddie and shows no emotion, like he’d rather be somewhere else, like he was forced to be here almost. the facade must be working because eddie doesn’t see how he’s two damn seconds away from crumbling to the ground and hugging the other man’s jean-covered legs.

eddie just looks at him. stares at him disbelief because how the fuck is this real life right now?

eddie softly grabs the picture from steve’s fingers.

“i don’t… steve, please. i don’t- c’mon man. please.” his words are wet, his throat is thick, the tears won’t stop streaming.

steve just shakes his head twice.

“you, uh… take care of yourself. i’ll… i’ll see you around.” he turns around and walks down the two damn steps of eddie’s trailer.

walks away with eddie’s heart in his back pocket.

eddie’s still in shock. he blindly watches as steve pulls out of the dirt patch in front of his trailer, and drives off quickly.

it isn’t until he hears himself close the front door that he processes what just happened. he turns around slowly and leans against the door, eventually sliding down it. he just starts screaming. screaming as loud as he can. screams just like that day in the upside down, thinking that that was finally the end.

wishes it was so that he didn’t have to deal with this.

he wraps his arms around himself and just screams and cries and wails. so many thoughts run through his head.

summary: In the aftermath of Eddie’s death, Steve navigates his grief and all the complicated emotions wrapped up in it. Inspired by If I Get High by Nothing But Thieves- listen while you read! If that’s your jam!

a/n: I don’t really write fanfiction, I live on the other side of the glass, but apparently I had to scratch this itch. Lately when I’ve been listening to music, some of the themes have been jumping out as particularly Steddie-ish and angsty. I wrote most of this in the notes app using Siri while driving to work. Proofread only by my tired eyes. Apologies in advance🥴

warnings: smoking/ drug use, grief, sadness in general

word count: idk short lil drabble

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Steve stood at the top of the wooden steps for a heartbeat, pondering his decision. The grey clouds above heavy with the promise of rain matched the weight in his chest as he ultimately raised a hand to knock on the door to the trailer. The hand fell away a second later as Wayne Munson opened the door for him; he’d seen Steve through the window, anticipating his arrival as he had every Wednesday afternoon for the past three weeks.

He doesn’t get them as much anymore because now he has someone sleeping next to him and holding him close and that is Billy.

But tonight was one of the worst nights in a while.

Steve had already had a pretty rough day. Keith had messed with him at work, calling him all sorts of names and he couldn’t really say anything back since he could lose his job there and he also didn’t have Robin to back him up this time.

Then he had gotten a call from his Dad and surprisingly that didn’t go well either. His whole break was ruined by it and he couldn’t really focus on the last hours of his shift.

He got home late and fell right into Billy’s arms who had used the spare key that Steve gave him to get in the house earlier. It made him feel a little better, to be held by the other, but it seems like the comfort didn’t reach to his dreams.

Steve woke up with a scream that made him sit up on the bed. He tried to control his breathing, to calm it down, but he was gasping for air and crying, which he noticed had been happening while he was sleeping too since his cheeks were already wet.

He felt arms around him and someone calling for his name. His hair was pulled back from his sweaty forehead and his head was moved up to face a figure that Steve couldn’t make out. His eyes were too blurry from the tears.

He had had a dream about that night he could’ve died, when he almost did lose Billy and this always was the worse one, because in this dream, he did lose him.

And it always felt so real. Like he was back in that time and actually seeing the love of his life dying into his arms as he begged for the other not to.

More tears fell down his cheeks by the memory.

”Steve! Baby?!”

Steve heard someone calling for this name and it became clearer and clearer every second. Someone was holding him close to their body and rocking them back and forth as to get him to calm down.

It took a few minutes of quiet sobbing and the person slowly talking to him until he finally got a word out.

”Billy?” Steve rasped out.

”Yes yes, baby it’s me. It’s Billy.” The other sighed in relief and caressed Steve’s cheek, wiping the tears away.

Steve’s lips started to wobble and he dropped his head on to Billy’s shoulder, which made the other kiss his forehead.

”You’re alright, I’m here.” Billy murmured deeply with his sleepy voice and held the other while he calmed down.

He petted his head and took a deep breath in and out, feeling glad Steve had come back to his senses.

”I s-saw…I saw the dream again…” Steve said between small sobs.

Billy’s face turned into a frown and he held the other more tightly. He knew exactly what dream Steve meant and he hated that he had to live through it in his dreams again and again.

He wished he could protect Steve in his dreams too.

”You’re okay now. I’m not going anywhere.” He reassured the other and smiled down when Steve looked up at him with big teary brown eyes.

”Promise?” Steve asked.

It’s his birthday.

He should be 96 today, he should be celebrating.

This sounds horribly selfish but I wish i was fortunate enough to have never known him. I wish i was one of the billions of people in the world that don’t know he existed.

I’ve thought him everyday since i woke up, i still have his voice calling out to me jammed in my head, each time someone says my name i hear it through his soft voice, then i remember. And while i still have his number memorised, and many other things about him, such as the fact he hated chocolate ice cream, but loved chocolate chip cookies, other people don’t even know his name or the colour of his eyes.

They were ocean blue that turned into pure diamond when the sun hit just right. Oh god, i wish i could forget his eyes.

The picture of us from his last day, my name round his neck, both of us focused, just contains two strangers to most people.

And the little girl who witnessed our first kiss and thought nothing of it and moved on like i never will. So here i am, lying on my bed, sobbing and holding his old t-shirt, while someone else in the world has no idea he ever existed.

I remember the way he hugged me, i remember that it almost hurt, but in a good way- as if he wanted me to sink into him, keep me inside his body. I remember not breathing, i remember not needing too… because for once, somebody breathed for me, somebody lived for me. And i remember being so utterly, completely happy.

And no matter what i do, no matter how hard i hold onto anyone that followed, nobody else ever held me that way. Nobody even came close.

No one else ever held me as tightly.

Sometimes Steve reads anti Avengers books just so he can get different perspectives of situations. It really upsets him but he cant help if he doesn't know what others are thinking.

I'll Always Catch You

Angsty Trash art for the @stevetonygames ! Done with ibispaint X and my finger, rip, but I want points.

Summary: “The magnitudes of the rocks and trees and streams are so delicately harmonized, they are mostly hidden.” John Muir

Characters: Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, original gender neutral character (reader)

Relationship(s): Established poly relationship. 

Warnings: This is meant to be a comfort fic, rather than a triggery, angsty one. Anxiety attacks, stress, someone with a news-watching trigger, but otherwise the story is people finding ways to cope/deal with their triggers and supporting others who are doing the same.

Author’s Note: I needed some help working through some issues lately (who hasn’t, amirite?), and a few different people suggested the 54321 method. I will say right away it is NOT a substitute for professional care. It has helped me enormously to come back from the edge of panic or anxiety, and for that I am grateful. It is a damned good grounding method to help me focus when my brain is trying to convince me that I need to panic RIGHT NOW. 

Huge Thanks to @glassjacket​ for helping me develop the story, flailing all over the place, unflagging support, and letting me know what to edit, but in story and out. I and my writing are better because of you. Love you, my dude.

Many loves and hugs to @there-must-be-a-lock​ for reading over and making SO MANY great suggests and edits. Dude, seriously, you elevated this story. 

Word Count: 574

Part One: 5 Things You Can See Part Two: 4 Things You Can Touch

ItMightHaveBeenIntentional’s Masterlist

Part 3

“The magnitudes of the rocks and trees and streams are so delicately harmonized, they are mostly hidden.” John Muir

3 Things You Can Hear