1st movie:

Honestly the best one bc it has less characters and less subplots to show the writing's weaknesses (they're still very visible, but less so than in the next movies)

I say that while it adds an unnecessary love interest that should've gotten together with Sacagawea (Teddy you're kinda a creep sorry not sorry)

Larry was.. fine, I guess? I do like him sorta, but there is just something about him that doesn't endear him to me much. Maybe it's how formulaic his relationship with his son and love interest is (and also dude how stupid are you to give cavemen actual fire seriously)

The highlight was definitely the museum exhibits, I liked thinking about their daily lives.

I feel like this franchise suffers from not letting anything linger and breathe. It always cuts to the next plot point and that makes buildup and payoff less satisfying.

The janitors... exist.

JEDTAVIUS MY BELOVED (the only reason I watched the rest of the trilogy)

I which they actually translated what Attila said instead of just "foreign language"

It feels forcibly straight when I feel like everyone is some kind of gay, y'know? Even Larry, I get an inkling about him.

GIGANTOR

Ahkmenra can get it (I'm a sucker for Egyptian stuff, wish he had long hair tho, but that's just my bias)

Dexter can die in a ditch.

2nd movie:

Another kinda annoying thing these movies do, "Oh btw he quit offscreen and now he's successful but forget about that! No consequences later when he quits again!"

New museum! That's actually 19, but we only see like 3 of them, so I feel a bit disappointed.

Larry is an actual badass but can only flex when he'snotnthe story'sbiggest puncjing bag, but I do like to see him suplex a guy, even if their back n forth was so unfunny and unnecessary like this guy is never coming back what was the point of this you could've shown Larry being good at his job any other way

SO. MUCH. CGI.

I like what they do with the paintings tho, nice stuff

Forget the old love interest lady, let's make a historical person fall with our lead! That felt... gross.

The kid and Head Teddy are there, being non-entities really. I feel like Teddy's role and 1st movie arc was split between Amelia and army guy dude.

Amelia felt so superficial, in like 5 hours she falls in love with him? Manic pixie dream girl aahh (feel bad for her but GIRL how much time do you need to press a couple buttons PLEASE)

The villain is better than the 1st movie cuz you get more of him, but the climax isn't as bombastic to me, and they have a portal to another world! Also how TF did they get away with so much structural damage??? The other bad guys were there, but really those were the most evil minds in that place? Where tf is Hit- you know what actually its fine I'll ignore the fact a museum so big would definitely have smtg from ww2 in there I prefer it that way actually.

JEDTAVIUS MY BELOVED, THIS TIME WITH SQUIRREL

I like the other monkey, can we leave Dexter at the Smithsonian, please?

Man, they are just forcing these ladies to fall for that guy.

Ok, suuuuuure, no one's gotta ask how this stuff works.

3rd movie:

The stuff with the kid? Irrelevant really. It's so cookie cutter I literally couldn't care less. It would feel more impact full if I knew anything about Larry's family stuff with more sincerity, but the writers feel like they're forced to have a family problems subplots in their museum shenanigans movie.

I knew Lancelot would turn evil, but why does he look like Jed? And that other army guy from the 2nd movie too! Why does everyone look like Jed?

JEDTAVIUS MY BELOVED, THEY HOLD HANDS WATCH CAT VIDEOS AND WRITE COMMENTS TOGETHER THEY ARE MARRIED YOUR HONOR

Oh wow the janitors are back, maybe they'll be important aga-aaaand they're gone. Ok. See this is what I mean, these characters feel so disposable and the story doesn't hide it. Like, the ex-wife in 1, the night guard in 2, and so many more characters feel like they just stop existing after their scene is over, and nobody really changes tbh.

Ok but why did I feel the chemistry between Larry and McPhee? His whole "You gonna attack me?" Felt like he was trying to put distance between himself and a denied crush on Larry. And the hand on the chest??? I know what you are (and it could explain why he can't seem to have a long-term relationship with any woman the writers throw his way, he really needed a man!)

Why are all these people here? I get Teddy, he's always there in some way, and I guess Laa is in "obligatory new character gets screen time" land, but Attila? Sacagawea (as much as I love women)? Why are you guys here, the story would've been fine without them, and that's a tragedy of writing.

I thought Tilly would be Lancelot's Guenevere, and honestly I'd have settled for her getting with ATTILA over that caveman. Girl, get some standards PLEASE I AM LITERALLY BEGGING YOU.

Also Tilly's neurodivergent, screw you.

Oh wow, the parents are even less utilized than I thought. And you mean to tell me that they could've just let the tablet get a moonburn and everything would've been fine? They could've found that out by accident.

Also Lancelot dude a tablet is not a grail, the grail is not the only magical thing that exists you should know this, thus isn't even the only time I felt like they only heard about Lancelot through a game of telephone. See this is how I know none of the writers read any Arthurian tale, and I only read the Green Knight!

Ok, Dexter is actually helpful this time around- aaand he's peeing on people again great there goes his likeability! And now he's dead ok uhh sad I guess?

Hugh Jackman. Bottom text. No but seriously tho why did no one freak out at the living statues????? Ok I guess forget about the fucking lions that everyone can see. Who cares about hiding the magic, if we ignore it happened we don't have to think about the implications and repercussions!

Ok, so here's a big change, everyone dead now, they made the choice for Ahk even tho he's supposedly a "man" now (the lack of character arcs for these guys is really hurting the story) but also for the entire museum back home. Ok, that's not douchey at all or whatever.

How did they even explain to the ppl in charge why there are new Egyptian artifacts in the museum permanently now? Also no way Tilly's dealing with all this well, she has no evil mentors to give her written instructions. Her job is now gonna be hell!

WTF WHY DID HE TALK LIKE THIS WAS THE ROMANTIC PART OF A ROMCOM TO A FUCKING MONKEY

WTFFFFFFF WHY IS HE MAKING OUT WITH THAT FUCKING MONKEY WAS THIS TRILOGY A SECRET ENEMIES TO LOVERS WITH A FUCKING MONKEY IM DYING WHY DID HE GO FOR IT LARRY STOP YOURE KILLIGN ME WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

What, he just quit again? And another time jump, we're not even gonna see him thrive as a teacher (how did he become a teacher in 3 years, he never went to college)

Ok, everyone's not alive anymore but look, they're alive for a couple months after years now it might be the last time but don't think about that, it's dance time! Also TILLY PLEASE DO NOT UPROOT YOUR LIFE FOR THIS MANBABY YOU KNOW ONCE THE TABLET GOES BACK TO BRITAIN YOUR BOYFRIEND IS WAX.

Oh wow, they're not even pretending like Larry's story mattered in all this, you dont see his life, how his son is doing after all that talk of plans, and he doesn't even get to dance in the credits with all his friends! Sad for him.

This is my least favorite one, it might not have a forced love interest but it has MONKEY MAKEOUT SESSION NO I WILL NOT LET IT GO BC WTF WAS THAT HE WENT FOR SECONDS WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Jedtavius reigns supreme and they should get married, Sacagawea and her fangirl should kiss, Larry and McPhee need to develop feelings after a one-night stand and Tilly needs some fucking standards (probably get with Amelia)

This franchise would not have been better, but definitely more tolerable if it was more gay (jedtavius was like the one thing that kept me alive through this, and my bestie)

Dexter can burn in the fiery pits of Mount Vesuvius where he and his insufferable bladder belong.