#sa m

So my nightmare yesterday before waking up solidified the fact I was

Fuck I can't even type it

Long time mutuals know about Freddy but not what, someone else who was supposed to protect me, did.

Every time I get an update from my birth family it fucks me up for days.

I desperately need therapy, but I'm afraid what I have to unpack will not allow me to also continue working because of how destroyed it is. Its like how my sinuses are in my teeth, cant yank a tooth and without it also popping out. I'm already schizophrenic, have DID, and every flavor of lollipop that comes in a dumdum mixed bag.

I already get yelled at by my boss for simple things like not deep frying shrimp fast enough, which triggers the memory of him yelling at me and treating me like his girlfriend growing up.

I've tried finding another job, something I'd like to do, and I got 1 rejection email earlier this week after everything else ghosted me. So I guess I'm fucked.

I so badly want to work on my projects and maybe work out some thoughts that way, and maybe find a way to talk about it. But I still have tendinitis of the wrists that I need surgery for (had it since 2012).