#s167

Interesting that the Underlings are still 'mischievous', even though they (presumably) haven’t been prototyped with a clown this time around.

Clearly, they’re naturally inclined to be pranksters, regardless of their prototypings.

fedorafreak: turning on hand-held device for brief report. fedorafreak: severe injury sustained in skirmish with undersized, sportive rascal.

Yeah, this guy’s not a fighter. Fedorafreak is an archetypical example of what would happen if an average person played Sburb, as opposed to a protagonist. Without all the assistance our heroes have received, you’d likely fall victim to one of Sburb’s many, many creative ways to kill you - from imps, to renegade Agents, to planets covered in oil.

Rose’s walkthrough really would be a godsend for any Player lucky enough to find it. Nanna, could you maybe text its IP address to my new favourite character?

fedorafreak: encountered rest surface. fedorafreak: horizontal stone slab exhibiting unidentified iconography. fedorafreak: a tall post at each corner. fedorafreak: mysteriously inviting. fedorafreak: mounting slab. exhaustion taking hold

Damn, he’s found his Quest Bed? Now that’s a lucky break for him. I’d speculate about his Title, but we have basically nothing to go on.

Plus, for all we know, Titles are only granted to Veil-cloned, ‘official’ Sburb Players, and we have no idea if the Freak came down on a meteor. I’d guess he did, because it would be a very Sburbian move to make sure that only meteor babies were predestined to play the game.

...actually, that almost certainly is how Sburb would set it up. In that case, a non-Player booting up a Sburb session would probably just doom the timeline, and the Freak really is a Veil baby. Hell yeah.

pipefan413: Excuse me, sir! fedorafreak: @ pipefan413, friend. fedorafreak: @ pipefan413, sound of voice nearly refreshing enough to distract from perpetual taste of warm, poorly filtered urine.

Imagine being FedoraFreak right now. He was about to die completely alone – and, just when things were at their most bleak, a fellow colleague appears completely out of the blue, here to keep him company in his final moments.

fedorafreak: eureka.

Hang on. Is that...

...son of a bitch. The king is back!

I can't even be mad that it's not actually Dad Egbert, because this is an entirely different kind of treat - and one that I didn't think we'd ever be getting.

I’d long since given up hope that we’d ever hear from Earth again – Bec’s apocalyptic meteor laser seemed to have bookended that chapter fairly unambiguously. How, then, did Homestuck’s favourite normie survive such a cataclysm?

fedorafreak: yes. it is as hoped for beyond hope. fedorafreak: unusual devices may be used to duplicate fresh, perfectly pressed garments. inexhaustibly, afaik.

FedoraFreak is a fucking Sburb Player.

This is the best day of my life. I've always wondered about how Earth's other sessions are going, and this is the one we get to see?

This is the greatest gift Hussie could give me. This is my Christmas.

fedorafreak: alas, devices appear to hold no such promise for departed family members, misplaced hand-held steam press.

He’s had a pretty rough time, though, which is par for the course when you’re playing this game.

Departed family members are a given, but all hope is not yet lost. If they're Players too, he might still be able to reunite with them in the Dream Bubbles - but sadly, I don't think the Gods will be preserving the soul of his steam press. Guess he'll just have to prototype it!

fedorafreak: now combining expensive leather pipe tobacco sleeve with handsome, gray fedora. fedorafreak: to document result shortly. fedorafreak: resulted in hat w/ outlandish and frivolous appearance. fedorafreak: do not care for; shall discard immediately.

Alchemy, of course, is far too twee for our king. Perhaps, with some experimentation, he can make some business-themed gear which is both serious and viable?

fedorafreak: made unwelcome determination. production requires expense of glittering abstractions called grist. fedorafreak: such jewels remaining in cache, libation in reserve, at premium. fedorafreak: consumed final swallow of carefully rationed urine. soon to seek water elsewhere in exotic new surroundings.

Damn, dude. You can’t even field the grist cost for water? Fedorafreak is clearly having a lot of trouble with Sburb’s earlygame.

John did a lot better, but he had a lot of help from Nanna early on, and Fedorafreak’s lack of familiarity with the game’s mechanics suggests that his sprite is inert.

She could have left, then. Planned to leave, even. Grandpa didn’t abandon her, like I'd originally assumed – he always intended to flee alongside her.

pipefan413: But as they grew older, their interests drifted apart. The boy developed a passion for adventure and put aside his study of practical jokes. He dreamed of wealth and fame and discovery and swore he would wander the world. pipefan413: One day he decided to run away with the loyal dog he inherited from their father. He asked the girl if she would come along, but she was too scared of the retribution that might follow.

But I guess the adolescent Nanna didn’t have Grandpa’s confidence, nor his fearlessness. Left alone with a witch of a woman, her childhood was probably not dissimilar to many other children in this sad saga.

pipefan413: The boy scoffed at the danger, and assured his sister there was nothing to worry about. But he had not seen first hand what the baroness was capable of!

It sounds like Nanna directly witnessed some specific evil act. The woman did run a corporation, though, so that was probably just a typical Tuesday for Betty Crocker.

pipefan413: He told his sister that he believed in her, and that she could handle whatever the witch could throw at her. [...]

Those are some pretty harsh words for a girl destined for a lifetime of abuse - but at the same time, he did openly ask her to run away with him, and she couldn't do it. What was he meant to do, kidnap her?

I don't blame him for leaving alone, either. Grandpa was also an abused child, and it would be asking a lot of him to remain in an abusive household to defend another child. He needed to leave that situation for his sake, just as Nanna needed to leave it for hers.

Pipefan413: [...] And with that, he was off, and she would never see him again.

But, all that said, he should have come back eventually. He didn’t need to abandon her for an entire lifetime.

Whatever extenuating circumstances there may have been, it can't be denied that he started his life as an adventurer the same way he ended it - by leaving someone who loved him behind.

pipefan413: One day, the girl was able to gather enough bravery to mention her brother to the baroness, and her desire to see him again. With contempt, she guaranteed that this could never happen. When the girl asked why, that is when the baroness began to reveal to her more than just her baking secrets. pipefan413: [...] The colonel was not their father, nor was the baroness their mother. They in fact had no father or mother at all, nor were they ever actually born. They had both fallen from the sky! They were not actually brother and sister as they had been told either. Again like in many fairy tales, the truth was that they were always destined to become married one day. They were to have two children, a son and a daughter, and these children were meant to save the world! […]

Wait, what? Betty Crocker knew Sburb lore?

...I think it says quite a lot about the Homestuck experience that I'm not even particularly surprised. Of course Betty Crocker knew Sburb lore.

It’s clear that she didn't know everything, though. She was aware that John and Jade would eventually happen, but assumed they’d be born naturally - which makes it sound like she was just getting fragments of future events, much like a Prospit dreamer’s visions.

What could still be, in a world about to be rewritten?

All bets are off, at this point, and Nanna and Grandpa could easily be rebooted into a couple. Hell, they might actually raise John and Jade this time around - which, come to think of it, may have been the future that Crocker was actually seeing.

As always, the possibilities of the Scratch are staggering – but, with Doc Scratch looming over everything, they’re sure to come with strings attached.

pipefan413: For you see, the girl had uncovered so many dirty secrets about the terrible batterwitch, including the most troubling one of all. pipefan413: Of course no one would have believed her, but she knew. pipefan413: She knew the baroness was not human! :B

Wait, what?

This one's a real curveball, I've got to say - and I don't have a clue what this might mean, or what Crocker's secret identity could be. Homestuck’s other species feel far too alien to pass as human - surely if Crocker had horns, green skin, or an insect-like carapace, someone would have smelled a rat.

Like... this is Betty Crocker's 'canon' design, and her skin tone alone rules out most of Homestuck's aliens. I suppose she could be using some sort of illusion magic - but at this point, I'm making up mechanics that we've never seen before. That's usually a sign that you're barking up the wrong tree.

Alright, then – I’m guessing that Crocker is a robot. They're probably the easiest type of creature to disguise as a human, since they can be custom-made. Plus, it’s consistent with the real-life lore that Crocker isn’t actually a real person; she was created by someone else.

CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW. CG: [...] WHY DID YOU GO BACK TO SEE HER? YOU DIDN'T MENTION THIS LAST TIME.

I assume ‘her’ is Echidna. We’ve been giving the kids’ Denizens a lot of focus in this sequence, and now it’s Jade’s turn. It also means that Cetus is next - which is going to be fun, since she's the only Denizen in the session that we know nothing about.

Oddly heartwarming to learn that Dad really did have a reputation as a prankster, which means it wasn’t just an act for John’s benefit. Either it started out as an act, and slowly became genuine, or he was always into pranks for real.

pipefan413: No, I am just an old woman looking for her son.

She doesn't even know. :(

This poor woman. Brought back to life, just so she can live through the death of her child.

pipefan413: You remind me of him so. Would you mind terribly if I talked to you for a little while? pipefan413: I am fearing the worst for my son, while my grandson has gone off to do great things. I've caught myself feeling a bit lonely, hoo. fedorafreak: can imagine no greater pleasure. fedorafreak: though, eyelids heavy. fedorafreak: getting dark; feeling in extremities, fading.

If only Nanna could heal beam him from here.

It just occurred to me that Fedorafreak isn’t guaranteed to make God Tier, even if he does die on his Quest Bed. This type of revival requires your Dream Self, and it’s very possible that it needs to be awakened, too. This seems unlikely, in Fedorafreak's case - but I live in hope.

pipefan413: Why don't you just lie there and rest? I will tell you a story. fedorafreak: @ pipefan413's kindly mother: ty pipefan413: It is a fairy tale about a young sister and brother who were raised by a wicked witch!

Now this is an endgame conversation, if I’ve ever seen one.

Nanna and Grandpa. Joan Egbert and Hass 'The Flame' Harley. Who were they, and how did they become what they are now? What's the true story behind the oldest Guardians of all?

pipefan413: The witch in truth was a world famous baking baroness. Her cruelty made life miserable for the two children, who did not have their father anymore to protect them.

Crocker – I looked her up – was the fictional brainchild of Bruce Barton, a Washburn-Crosby advertising executive who would later become a republican politician. I could probably extrapolate a lot of her Homestuck self’s personality from those details alone, and the fact that Grandpa fled from her custody fills in the rest of the blanks.

Tell us more, Nanna! I need to know what you had planned!

The prank of the century, perhaps? Something that could rob Crocker of her money, power and reputation, all at once?

pipefan413: Years went by. The girl was nearly ready to put her plan into action. But then, just like that, the baroness disappeared. She was never seen or heard from again.

God damn it, we were robbed of a final sinister 'hoo hoo hoo'!

Perhaps Grandpa had pulled off his own plot, in the meantime. He knew Crocker was a piece of shit too, after all, and might have been just as vengeful as Nanna.

pipefan413: The girl was finally free, by a strange turn of events. But not without a final jab from the witch. It turned out that in her will she had left the entire company to the boy!

Well, that really does make it sound like Grandpa orchestrated this.

If he was running a parallel scheme to Nanna’s, then they missed an excellent opportunity here to reconnect, and team up against the Batterwitch. If they’d only communicated, Crocker could have been taken down that much sooner.

pipefan413: The boy, now a grown man, was already very wealthy in his own right. He had no particular need for the baking empire, but assumed control nonetheless, and integrated the company into his extensive collection of enterprises.

We can assume, of course, that this was all in service to Skaianet. Somehow, Grandpa became aware of his origins – the how is still a mystery, unless Crocker told him in private – and he was making his own moves in the background, making sure that Sburb arrived on schedule.

...actually, I do have one new theory about how he knew so much about Sburb. If my memory-bleed theory is true, then he could have learned about the game from his other incarnation, the rebooted version of Grandpa. That guy could know anything.

Anyway, Grandpa’s moves would have been a lot more effective if he'd had any contact whatsoever with Nanna. I know this was long before group chats, but damn. Get a mailing list, or something. Communicate!

pipefan413: She considered a reunion with her estranged brother, and once destined husband to be. But the days of longing for a future with him seemed to be from another lifetime. The chance had come and gone. She was content to let him live his increasingly elaborate life, while she sought a simpler one. pipefan413: Besides, now was not the time to revisit a destiny with an old star-crossed lover. She had recently become betrothed to a fine, upstanding gentleman. Soon, she would start a family. No, not one meant for heroism as foretold, but one that would make her happy nonetheless.

Zellige 167 - Diamante