#bc mentioned!

he can imagine the lecture now of whether he’s treating his hair right, if he’s over-washing it or using the wrong product to wash it. so much to go into hair care and skin care that he questions when idols have the time, especially when he thinks of the pretty nail art some of his friends have. beauty is pain, yes, but you don’t hear enough about how time-consuming it can be too. 

with the trip to the salon not taking long for him, he’s more focused on the part of the day he’s been thinking about since late into the night before, unable to sleep and lounging around on the couch instead as he tries to remember his lines. phone clutched in his hand during the rides back and forth, while he sat in the chair to wait for the bleach to develop, and now as he waits for his turn in the recording booth, he struggles with the idea that he has so many lines in swimming fool. he feels like the fool and though he has done the best he can to improve his singing, it still doesn’t feel like enough. 

what he’d give to be able to hold jinwook or woohyun’s hand through this, or to tease sehun, joke around with taeyong and seungcheol, rely on the members, but the truth is, he is the only one who can get himself through this so he does so the best way he knows how; with all the confidence he can muster, he reminds himself of who he is, of the song he wanted to release for their predebut teasers, and that he has come this far for a reason. 

it’s not even the first day of the camp by the time minho realizes it’s his first performance with everyone in a group. in november, he came in too late to join them for the busking performances and december had been about acting. yeah, this month is the true test of whether or not he can fit in anymore. the issue of age came up during the mgas, sure, but he realizes again just how much older he is. there’s chanyeol too but chanyeol hasn’t debuted and left a group before.

then again, he realizes he was wary about his age even when he was in nova. there is always someone younger and potentially better and he didn’t think that got to him in the past.

this is also his chance to leave that all behind, to simply be choi minho, trc trainee hoping to debut. there’s no again, or who knows when, but he only wishes to hold onto the desperation, the eagerness, the strength to continue each day. whenever he talks to one of the guys, especially when he talks to chanyeol or doyum, he realizes being inside the company walls aren’t so restricting, so confining. they’re locked up from 5am til midnight most days but he’s haopy.

when he mouths that particular line, he feels like a child again, wanting to clap his hands enthusiastically because he is. he is.

not surprisingly, he thinks of mijoo, of how she tells him to do whatever he wants as long as it makes him happy, and, as he takes a sip of water before they get started on the evaluation day, he thinks of that in particular, thinks this does make him happy.

part of him wants to know the specific moment he fell in love with performing again after leaving convex, after walking away with the most remorse he’s felt in his life, mourning what could’ve been and what won’t because of his mistakes. he wants to pinpoint the moment he decided he’s still allowed to want this, to dream, to act, to perform freely. the other part of him knows: it’s never truly a choice or one moment.

at first, he thought the frames were fake and he swears they are, picking them up with curiosity, asking if he could use his own or if they’d take the lens off for the glare of the camera or if they were anti-glare. he talks endlessly throughout the entire session that it’s a wonder they don’t tire of him or tell him to be quiet. ‘hold still,’ he definitely hears a few times, chuckling with a bow of his head and repetitive apologies, asking what kind of snacks or drinks they like so he can bring some to show his appreciation and sincerity. 

it’s close, a little too close to his feelings when he and jennie broke up. 

he’s thankful he has at least one member in the same performance as him that knows about his past relationship and, while it’s not easy to try to talk about it in shared company, if he leans his head on jinwook’s shoulder even just during practice, he has a feeling the other will understand. most of all, he’s glad he doesn’t have jace’s or taeyong’s first line. even jinwook’s first line. his own stings enough. yixing almost has to pinch himself to know that this is real, that these are the lyrics for the song they’re performing and he considers not picking up the studying again like he thought on christmas day. 

it’s true that he told himself to keep his heart cold, to look away, to forget but it’s not so easy when their groups are put together for things and he still wonders if haseul did know after all. she didn’t seem to but... maybe... 

the song itself is a honor to perform because of the original artists and to be asked to join in on the special stage. without that, it’s a fun, energetic song despite the message and he laughs at how it represents so many of them. having sad moments but trying to turn that pain into something else, transforming it into something beautiful. 

its story ends on a happier note than his with jennie but it’s a new year. if only, one day, he could talk to her about performing this song.