#rynaragi

My life has been summed up in circle tablets coated in colors and numbers I don't recognize. "I feel you need some assistance" she says paralyzed but normalized. She goes on about "doing me a favor" by giving me one, but this one makes me numb and I can't help but be stunned by what she has easily done. As I turn in my script, I try to get a grip so I can take this thing that makes me ache and be less of a mistake. Take a pill. It feels like poison, breaking my brain to fit the mold that cannot hold the extra pieces I have made. I must behave, please be brave. It kills my friends inside my head that I have made to be saved from his rage when I was enslaved. Take a pill. I start to lose parts of me that makes me me. Every detail the world can offer is not noticeable anymore like it's lock behind a door that is no more. This is life. To take the cure and just endure societies normalcy knife that cuts away at me slice by slice. Because I have two choices to be ignored or locked indoors in human sized cages if I don't do as they say and get on the same pages. This is MY life even though I'd love to be medicated free and live my life full throttle. Take a pill. But that can be ignored for I am adored as the human pill bottle.

The spot that I hide away from the world. The one place I know that no one can find me. It's like all the other spots I have. High, low traffic, and a bit of a hike. In this spot, I wrote my daughter's name and her death date in gold. I wanted to been close to her. Be close to them. Especially with the date of my own mother's death coming soon. With Alessia cara drowning my eardrums I just watch the sunset. I closed my eyes and enjoyed a harsh warm breeze summer was beating me with. I analyzed the colors of the sky turning from blues and whites to pinks and oranges. I counted 7 planes that flew over me. My heart feeling like an unbearable weight of guilt, loss, and pain. Thinking how the female generation before me and after me are both gone makes my eyes gush. I even begin to question when the loss will end. As I looked up and soaked up the last of the burning sunlight, you raced across my vision. You didn't startle me but I scared you so much that I almost made you ride your bike off the cliff I was dangling from. I ignored you. I wanted to wallow in my sadness alone. You had to have stood behind me for a long while. Even when I watch your lips moves, I could tell you were composing your thoughts of what to say to me long before you confronted me. I removed my headphones to confirm your words. You asked if I was alright and offered me your only bottle of water. I said I was fine and declined your bottle. I stayed for over an hour but you stuck around. You pretended to look at other drops on the cliff, looked at the view, and even rode your bike around. As I said my pray and thanked god for the pain to be gone from my chest, I could feel you staring at me. I must have looked fun in dress pants on the ground in rocks and dirt praying. But even when my eyes met yours, you didn't look away. I turned my music off but you didn't know. I could here you take photos of whatever was around. Probably even the sunset ending. I slowly moved and hid from you. Once I saw you weren't even paying attention to me, I hiked back to my car. I could see you from the drop of the cliff. Your were shocked that I was gone but as soon as you saw me at my car you got your bike and rode toward me. I continued to ignore you but I know you were talking to me. I began to drive away and I saw you followed me along on your bike. I'm pretty sure you were worried I'd kill myself. I was dangling off the side of a cliff. I wish I could thank you but I was too worried that you'd kill me before I could enjoy what life I have left. So thank you. I didn't want to die, but the fact that you stuck around just in case was pretty kind of you. Just known that I am sad, but so is the family I've built on my own. We mourn my mother just like we mourn our baby girl. Love can bring you flowers or it can build you coffins. So I'm just taking care of my coffins.

A blood transfusion is a weird thing. It's a creepy feeling to know someone's blood (that isn't yours) is reaching deep inside you to enable your heart to take another beat. I tried to donate once. It was when I hoped my iron to be at its highest. I tried to donate 3 days in a row consuming as much iron as I could but it still wasn't high enough. When I was given my wrist band, I honestly didn't think I would need it. I was hopeful. Then I woke up struggling to breathe or even stay alert. Falling in and out of conciseness, I could hear the blaring from my blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was way too low. Barely clinging to 68. Out I was again. I kept begging to see my family. Just to have them near me every time I was awake. I was given oxygen and transferred to a room. I passed out and I awoke with people rushing me to a bed. I was given another bracelet. Fall risk. Then I was given blood. It was warm and made me feel sick. My arm began to bruise instantly. But I could feel my heart relax and my lungs take deeper breaths on there own. But one transfusion wasn't enough. After two transfusions, my cheeks were flushed red like I was drunk. Everywhere I was poked bruised like I was beaten. My family cried. I tried to entertain them but they were worried the entire time. My surgery took twice as long than normal. I lost 4 pints of blood. Whoever you are, you gave life to a mother of two. You gave me another day with my family. Your donation saved my life and I will never forget it. I thank you for your kindness. I hope one day I will be able to return the favor.

My bestfriend is Definitely betters than yours. This is how I know. This is how your bestfriend reacts. You: I'm gonna call you swagleena for now on. YourBF: uh no. Okay here's how my bestfriend reacts Me: I'm gonna call you swagleena. MyBF: I swear on all that is holy that I will fist you IN YOUR BUNG HOLE if you call me that again. The next time I see you, you better be ready. Haha idk if I should be scare or not! But I seriously love my bestfriend!

Just had and In-depth conversation with the bestfriend!! It feels amazing to let stuff out that you've no idea how to let out! And it makes it 100 times better that she understands and agrees with me! I love that I can let out everything with with her and she always has an answer for me! She's a wonderful person, mother, and bestfriend! And just so you guys know she's gonna be one of my groomsmen and her husband is my bestman lol and I find this very funny!

Paper mache is something i never understand

A whole one url :D

I have because I suck and immature. I hope to change that in the huge.