#rwt personal posts

I don't know how to write an introduction, and I despise the English class practice of summarizing the whole document in your introductory paragraph (especially with how long this got, dear Azar), and really, the summary's directly above this section, so let's just dive in.

Overall, in this particular life on this particular plane, I identify as agender. No gender. Absolutely null. Do not gender me. You cannot gender me in a way that matters. This is why my pronoun list is full of nonbinary neo sets; I strongly prefer sets like xe/xir and ey/em over they/them, but I'll accept they/them because in English, and I do mean prescriptivist standardized scholastically-accepted English, it's understood to be the default pronoun when the gender of the subject is unknown.

Not that that's what I base my language preferences on; I am very much a descriptivist myself, through and through! But what I mean is, it's widely and commonly understood by speakers of this language that you use they/them when the gender is unknown. "Someone left their grocery bag at the checkout. Do you think they'll be back for it?"

An unknown is almost like a null variable, right?

The thing is, it's not always that simple. Especially not in 'kin shifts. I get glimpses of gender, like far-off anomalies passing me by. Stars seen in the constellation of my sky, but never landing on solid ground. Their gravity pulls me, but I never make direct contact. They never really connect the way other aspects of my kintypes do. The wings, the magic, the emotions: all of these are immensely impactful, deep, recurring aspects of my kintypes that evoke further emotions and phantom sensations and the kind of longing known intimately to those with hearthomes and remembered friends they'll never see again.

But gender is always a passing thought that never settles in to stay.

   --

Blue Diamond

Or, Non-Binary Femininity from an Alien Without the Concept of Gender

Let me open with the kintype whose gender I understand best in this life thanks to ample noemata.

Funnily enough, when I was "kinsidering" a canon Steven Universe Gem, but unsure which one, exactly, the first pronoun that awakened me was accidentally thinking of Blue Diamond with the pronoun "I" instead of "she". Also a "my" instead of "her." I was shocked at myself! But then I realized how "right" it felt. How appropriate. And when it came to gendered pronouns regarding Blue Diamond, "she/her" never felt wrong.

This is a departure from my typical setting (in the current life). I had never felt like I was particularly a girl, though growing up I also never felt like I was supposed to be a boy, either. Neither one of them fit me. Neither one felt like the category I belonged to. While I'd never experienced dysphoria arising from this body's hormone-based system, I never connected to it either. The day--the MOMENT--I saw the term "nonbinary", I felt gender euphoria for the very first time in my life. My worldview had been blown wide open! And once again, I finally found a label that fit me the day I saw, and understood the meaning through my study of etymology, the word "agender" and its glorious, comfortable, accurate, self-fulfilling lack of any gender at all!

So let's take a look at my gender as Blue Diamond now: I understand that to make the Gems a mostly feminine-presenting woman-shaped species was an intentional choice in this world, here and now, where that source is a work of fiction, and there is meaning in that. Representation is an important endeavor in art, after all!

But in my timeline as a Gem, it wasn't a conscious choice. She/her pronouns weren't chosen because Gems are inherently female; we called ourselves "she" and "her" in English because that was what the native dominant species on Earth called us in their language when we arrived. Something with the curved silhouettes of most Gem types, I suppose.

I don't recall much of Gem language, aside from its overall vibes (both in the meanings of "mood" and the literal shortening of the word "vibrations"; we didn't always communicate through mouths in sounds within the range of human hearing). But I don't think there was ever a gendered distinction. Gems in my timeline were sexless, genderless, and thought to be, in our ideal form, free of romantic attraction. (At least during Eras 1 and 2. Era 3 was very eye-opening, as you can imagine if you've seen the source. But that's a whole other essay for another time.)

So "gender" wasn't really on my radar. It wasn't a concept we had in Gemkind, and exploring one's individual identity wasn't ever really... encouraged, or even known about to many of our race for a long, long time. Self-perception didn't matter; what mattered was the perception of your duties and your skills by your supervisors (at least in my court; Yellow was a micro-manager but I delegated), and the contributions of "you" (meaning your entire gemtype) to the Empire.

I don't say this to endorse it; Eras 1 and 2 were hard on us all. But especially, cruelly, on those who tried to be Different. Too deviant from the norm. Too individualized. Those with these sorts of thoughts, should they reveal them to the wrong Gem, were punished. To develope one's own gender, and worse, talk about it, would have been to invite shattering.

So fast-forward a few dozen centuries, and enter Era 3. I was never particularly enamored of humans, or their concepts; once the Earth was no longer slated to be destroyed and I had no desire to "keep" Pink's favorite species preserved and sequestered away, I was happy to release them. I don't think I ever really cavorted or consorted with them. They were as alien to me as I them.

Now, I don't have a lot of specific memories from Era 3. I know things Happened, but nothing like the upheaval of my entire belief system, or understanding of myself that happened at the end of Era 2.

I don't think I had a "gender awakening". I was content with my gender being, basically, a Gem. Arguably, my "gender" was Diamond. It was certainly on that level of self-identification and self-perception, even after the title was stripped of social expectations.

Now, to perceive it in this world, I feel Blue Diamond's gender as a femme-presenting flavor on my usual agender spectrum. It's an absence of gender where the part of self-identification that usually lives in gender is taken up by identification of things like my projected form, and my pathokinesis, and my fellow Diamonds. Possibly a xenogender, if I understand the term correctly.

It feels like an effortless understanding, too, and I think Blue Diamond is the most comfortable shift to be in gender-wise because I presented in a way that aligns with my gender presentation in this life, with long hair and shapely skirts and overall draping clothes, and I wear a lot more blue (which many people in this life say flatters me). But it is, overall, a "null" sort of return if I investigated what gender I sensed in myself.

It's like still being agender, if only the flag was blue!

   --

Ryou Bakura

Or, Shifts With Masculinity that Rolled High on Stealth

Another fictotype I discovered several years ago came to me after a very rough months-long kinsidering process on the heels of reawakened exotrauma. I'll spare you the gory details. (If nothing else, I don't like to relive them...) But this is where the dissociation, memory loss, and memory suppression warnings come in.

I can't remember exactly what my gender was as Ryou Bakura. I genuinely just don't. That exotrauma I mentioned? In that life... (Oh, how can I even begin explaining the complicated entanglement of reincarnation in Yu-Gi-Oh...?) Well, let's just say that I have three kintypes from that same timeline, one of which is a reincarnation of another several millennia later. In the later life, I had memories of the earlier life. They didn't come to me often, but they were often emotionally laden, and thus greatly distressing.

They'd sneak up on me as flashbacks, or as awful night terrors. But the worst past was, I didn't know where they were coming from. They would leave me devastated, frightened, often in tears. My heart would be torn to shreds, and I wouldn't know WHY.

(The spirit of the Ring was never very forthcoming to me.)

What I do remember, and vividly, is that I was desperate to make these memories stop. I took an occult approach, and I performed a spell to block out the memories. And it WORKED.

(I lament that I don't remember which method I used, because now I have trouble recovering any specific memories from that life, and they tend to fade back into the forgotten when I DO remember anything--if I don't immediately write it down. But at least performing my own workings in THIS life because I was desperate to recover memories of Pink Diamond seems to have helped with regathering memories from Ryou, too?)

Anyways, my point is, those memories are locked behind some kind of emotional paywall and I can't often access them. To get back on topic in this essay: This includes memories of my gender.

I'm pretty sure I was some flavor of cis man. It was never something I put very much thought towards, though. Perhaps I wasn't the most introspective person...

I do remember one strange night, in this life, when I was very deep in a Ryou shift, and it came with a phantom shift of genitals that don't align with this body. And I didn't feel much at all about them. Certainly no dysphoria or revulsion, which I'm grateful for. Just a moment of surprise when I expected them to be there, and they weren't.

It didn't come with any particular attachment to the idea of gender associated with them though, masculinity or otherwise. Just a vague acknowledgement that, "Okay, so I guess I wasn't trans..." But at the same time, the disconnect from an identity of masculinity made me wonder even about that. Because could I have been nonbinary, maybe?

The tricky thing with Ryou is that alongside the voluntary memory suppression, I also struggled with dissociation and depersonalization. I wasn't always terribly aware of what I was thinking or feeling. Partially because of the spell to divorce memories and thoughts and feelings away from myself, I struggled to separate even the things I do remember from a general haze of vagueness. (There was also some trauma wound up in that, post-canon, but perhaps not as much as one would expect after being impaled and repeatedly possessed against my will...)

Anyways, I don't remember any strong feelings of gender, aside from maybe a sort of acceptance. Not resignation, exactly, and certainly not celebration. But I don't remember feeling anything about it whatsoever, aside from thinking of myself as a boy, a man.

I certainly wasn't terribly masculine, though. I was soft-spoken, quiet, and generally content to go along with whatever my friends wanted to do. I had my passions, of course! Games, especially ttrpgs and the eerie or occult side of Duel Monsters were my favorites, that's canon as hell and it aligns beautifully with my memories to the point of affecting how I play Yu-Gi-Oh in this life, too.

I'll spare you the infodump. But those were the things that made me happy. My games, my friends, my cooking, my collections, my magic, and my memories from THAT life, my life as Ryou, that I wanted to cherish, like memories of my deceased mother and sister.

I can't remember feeling either euphoric or dysphoric towards my gender; I suppose it simply wasn't anything I wanted to put much thought towards. Or never had to. It was probably why I had so many girls as suitors though.

   --

Harrowhark Nonagesimus, Reverend Daughter of the Ninth House

Or, Femininity in an Inherently Queer Future

You want to know the funniest part? That wasn't even the only time I suppressed my memories! (Or maybe that's the saddest part...)

Unfortunately this describes another kin life when I had memory issues, and the memories I do recover come with a question of reliability. Except, unlike with Ryou, I don't generally enjoy exploring them, anyways. I have very little desire to.

From the moment I kinsidered Harrowhark, I was railing against it. I did NOT want to be Harrowhark. I hated the idea of it to my core. Alas, this was, in fact, further proof of being Harrowhark. I've largely barred myself from Harrow-shifting as best I can; though deeper shifts come with inexplicable eradication of my kinetosis, gastritis symptoms, and dyscalculia, they also bring a deep dysthymia, irascible irritability, and have a negative effect on my mental health, absolutely tanking my mood.

I do know one thing, though: I identified as a woman, and there was never a question about it that I can recall.

I've seen arguments, essays even, amongst the fandom arguing that the binary of Necromancer and Cavalier roles (as high-status professions that could define one's life) takes the place of the male/female gender roles, and I don't agree. To take the place of it, one would have to completely remove the acknowledgement, expectations, and assumptions associated with the prior binary state. I don't see any evidence of that having happened. I will concede that they play a similar role in social and behavioral expectations, and it is fascinating to consider, but I very much had personal feelings and attraction to certain "genders" as the social construct we know today. Not to mention, FAR too many people lie outside that binary. Very few people were a Necro OR a Cav. (Especially if you look OUTSIDE the Nine Houses.)

Again, I'll spare you the infodump. But I know I was a woman, and I knew it then, and I knew it of those I felt attraction to.

I'm not convinced there was any "euphoria" in that, aside from it being a part of Me, and I had to be valuable, I had a desperate pride bordering on arrogance, whoever and however I was. The entire experience of just being Harrowhark came with a lot of dysphoria. Not gender dysphoria, mind you, but dysphoria in the classic Greek sense. Dysthymia to a greater degree. Comingled with great pride. It's a weird and complicated mix, and I don't think I have the emotional intelligence to explain it. But the dysphoria certainly did NOT come from my gender.

It does get interesting to think about, though.

The vast majority of my memories are from life on the Ninth House. Where I was born; where I was raised; where my heart and loyalty was for so long. There's rarely any clarity to them; certain glimpses, certain feelings.

This particular life is supposed to take place at LEAST 10,000 years into the future from modern day. (I suspect a bit longer, considering... Everything That Happened before the so-called Man Who Became God turned himself into ~Emperor~ John Gaius. But I am once again telling myself to spare you the infodump, because that one gets nasty and bitter anyways.)

What does queerness look like in this future? Textual canon of the books in this world certainly don't show any evidence of queerphobia. Despite my insistence that the gender roles persisted, neither is there shown any backlash for failing to fit oneself inside a little gendered box. Different Houses (societies on different planets) had different boxes.

Gender evolved.

I don't think I was ever subjected to the same expectations as the average young woman, though. I don't really have any meaningful memories, let alone commentary, of the specifics. I'm always intensely distracted by Everything Else when I'm reading the books, so I've never been able to compile evidence against the "Gender is Now Necro/Cav" argument.

I suppose the only concrete thing I have to offer you regarding my life as Harrowhark is "trust me, gender in general was different", and I kind of hate that lack of depth for both of us. I was a woman, and so preoccupied with being a necromancer, a prodigy, an unhinged trapdoor in the lives of those around me, that I don't know what being a woman meant, except that I was one and I didn't have time to question it.

   --

A Northern Raven

Or, Soaring Beyond Human Gender Expectations

Now let's stretch the concept of gender just a little bit further: my theriotype as a northern raven isn't even remotely humanoid. While I do believe the nonhuman animals extant here-and-now are sentient, they aren't SAPIENT, and that's a deviation from my usual kintypes.

It was the first kintype I ever discovered, and one of the last genders I discovered. I am a raven therian: I remember setting eggs, and raising nestlings. (I've even been thrown into a raven shift on the bus, simply by grocery bags between my feet on the ground, because it reminded me of setting eggs!)

I think I must have been female based on behavior, but there's a disconnect between what is female to the raven and what is female to modern human society (regardless of which society we look at, it is different). There are no expectations or accusations; just understanding that this is what we were doing, and this is what our babies needed. My female-ness didn't extend beyond much other than egg duties and receptivity in courtship. It wasn't a source of euphoria or dysphoria. It wasn't anything I was aware of.

I did like raising our babies. I liked when they would be playful. I liked the subtle artistry of building our first nest.

But I also liked flying, and bobbing on evergreen branches if I landed too suddenly, and watching the world from high above.

I was a sentry, a scout, guardian of my kin. Being male or female didn't affect the important things like my vigilance, or my unkindness [i.e., raven flock], or my quick response to threats. As long as my throat and lungs worked, it didn't matter to the bird whether I was male or female, cis or trans, conformative or queer. As long as I could call out when there was a hawk or human, I was respected.