#rvent

i’m sorry i’m so fucking emotional that you cant handle it. i’m sorry you dont know how to process your own fucking emotions because you never learned how. actually, im not sorry. im done being sorry for everything. things that arnt even my fault.

i always held my feelings down. i was never allowed to be able to express how i feel. so i bottled it up until it just exploded everywhere. i learned that wasnt good so i tried to be better. i tried to open up. but i guess you’re right. nobody really wants to hear about my problems. nobody really wants to hear how im sad all the fucking time. nobody really cares about anything. they only care about themselves. but god forbid i dont ask how someone is, or i dont check on them, i feel like shit. im the bad person. but when i need somone, nobody gives a fucking shit. 

so im supposed to pretend to be happy. im supposed to say im fine, everything is great. when really there is no point to anything. nothing matters. i dont matter. 

im sorry you think me asking you for comfort means that you are responsible for my feelings. that if you dont make me happy you are the bad person. but i jokes on you. im never happy. and maybe you are a bad person. 

i was there for you when you wanted to die. when you thought your world was crashing. so where are you now that i feel the same?  i feel lazy. i feel useless. i feel like nothing matters no matter how hard i try. so why should i try? i was finally starting to feel happy again. i loved my job. i loved the people i worked with. sure it wasnt easy, but what in life is? but at least i felt like people liked and cared about me there. but no, that gets ripped from me too. i never even got to say goodbye to some people. i feel so lost. stagnant. i dont know what to do. do i try to get a job and then fail at that too? or get one and then they have to let me go again because of everything happened and then im back to square one again trying to get money? i wont be able to pay for anything. 

why dont you care? 

this whole post. this whole post is why i lose friends. and most of them dont even get to see all this. i guess they just know when to run. 

everyone else is going out and doing things with their lives, even through this whole thing. and it makes me feel like shit. i cant keep anyone around long enough to even care about me like others do. i’m the invisible one. 

a friend asked me how i was doing the other day. i told her i was “living” and she laughed and told me sorry and that was the last i heard from her. it is funny. i shouldn't be here.