#ruy.

nights were a particularly lonely time for ruy, he was almost thirty years old and he was still not used to sleeping through the whole night. in fact, he could count on one hand how many hours of sleep he had for a whole week sometimes. he was fully aware of his problem, which he didn't face as a problem at all, he was just not known for sleeping, and his body wasn't prepared to settle down on command at all. there was an unfailing method at that though — having sex. it was enough excitement to soothe him down to rest and if the pleasure proved to be sufficient to also have some pretty nice dreams. but right now he lacked the company to do so, his boyfriend being working ever since the day broke out the first flashes of light in the sky and he was... well, bored. he didn't have the energy to work out today nor the inspiration wanted to work, so he did some house cleaning to occupy his time and pretended he was a housewife for a day, something that he ended up not liking very much.

of course, he could solve the problem on his own, he enjoyed masturbating himself but he had already spent the whole day in his own presence and he was sick of it. it wasn't like that was all his boyfriend was necessary for, not really — he just missed being around him, he missed having him for a while and making him feel good too. they both were hard-working men, passionate about their careers and ambitious when it came to it so obviously they needed to pull off some steam and they gladly developed a system together to do so. ruy wasn't a very calculated person, in fact, he was the most spontaneous person you could ever meet but in matters of love though, he would make an effort. he was committed to hai's schedule and he was proud of him, supporting. but the whole feeling alone thing sucked and ruy knew very well why he was so clingy all the time now, another reason why he was so desperate for sex, for sleeping, for settling down.

that were the words he heard a few days ago from his very best friend "let's settle down", daehyun said cooly to finish an argument for which both ruy and costance knew they were never getting an end if they kept it up. but ruy took those words as something else, something he knew the meaning of. it wasn't ruy's fault if they just wanted to all of the sudden cutting meetings short, work fewer hours, and skip practices. "we went over this before, ruy, why do it again?" and "we can't stay too late" or "let's make this quick"... they weren't losing touch or losing interest, he knew that but why did he feel like they were? why did he have to be the only one to be serious all of sudden? him, ruy — the one who would show up late to practices, put on a diva show, mess up lyrics and pick up arguments for no reason, who would find them the best contacts, who would fill them in the weirdest place.... and they together that would make good music, write masterpieces, practice until they fingers bleed and their ears ringing, sold-out shows and have the time of their lives. he understood that even the extraordinary becomes ordinary if it's done too many times, but he still could not stop himself from wondering where that all went down. the hell with settling down and fuck it's meaning!

so perhaps it wasn't just because he needed sex, he was frustrated, incredibly annoyed and that's why he couldn't sleep too. that was the reason he was lighting up a cigarette at two forty-six in the morning, sadly he didn't have anything stronger — also getting drunk alone was just admitting being miserable and he was not at such stage yet. he was so pathetic that he was laughing now, completely out of breath laughing, holding his belly back because he could hear the tears coming off. fuck, fuck, fuck. self-centered asshole. why did he think the world would revolve around him? he couldn't even be happy with his friend's happiness so maybe yeah, maybe he deserved it.

ruy heard the footsteps approaching, the lights suddenly being light but he didn't look to see who it was because he didn't want to acknowledge his reality. he was even more pathetic for wanting to sink in his feelings of loneliness, his pettiness. but he knew hai was there, he knew his presence, he knew his scent and his body closing in on him. so against his worst judgment he waved the smoke off a little bit, feeling like a teenager caught by his parents doing something they shouldn't. "i'll take a shower, use my special soap and all of the oils. don't worry." and he proceeded to continue smoking, nicotine was soothing him down a little bit even if it didn't have the same desired effects as sex or something stronger might. now he knew his boyfriend probably wouldn't want to have sex with him if he smelled so much of smoking, so he might as well not waste what he had already lightened. he didn't look much at hai though because his eyes were still smudgy from all the laughing-crying and he didn't want to wipe them away because he would seem even more ridiculous than he already was.

he didn't need to spend as much time smoking because he was already in the middle when hai walked in on him, so he eventually put it out and took a few steps closer to look at his boyfriend now that he knew he was much rather cooler than a minute ago. "is everything okay? you're quieter than usual." he knew hai disapproved of his reckless smoking and drinking, but he would always manage a way around and promise it was always under control. ruy knew very well the dangers of addiction from his own absent father, but that still didn't mean it wasn't in his genes. his words though sounded more like questions to himself than to hai so he smiled like he did when he wanted to say he was still him. ruy took hai's hands to his lips and kissed both backs, letting his cold nose rub them for a good second. "i don't wanna listen to your day, because i don't wanna talk about mine." he started, with his voice rough but close because he was bringing hai's hands to his hips now and his face to his own. "i don't want to wait for you all night, because i don't want to admit that i'm fucking yours." ruy cupped his chin with his hand, kept a close eye on all of hai's details from the bottom of his lips to the stupid cut of his hair. "but i still want you, all the time and... i want- no. i need to know, if- do you? want me too?"

just one? there are a lot of songs that age just like anything in life does. painkiller is a pain in the ass, sex drugs and etc became annoying after tiktok, anemone because it's hard and all that whispering gets me angry, i think my universe should never be performed ever again and someone that loves you just doesn't have the same effect anymore. and i won't elaborate on it.

              ‘ language! gorgeous, you can’t expect to go to many places with that attitude.’ ruy chuckled in attention, he was still determined to follow the recipe but being honest there was much more intuition put into it than actual ingredients. before starting his homemade souffle he was almost positive he had everything in his pantry to make it happen, but as soon as he did he realized that wasn’t the case, and now with everything already on the bowl he was just trying to make sure everything wasn’t going to waste. there were no wasting products on that house, even if he had plenty of money and a closet full of things he still hasn’t worn, still there was no wasting on that house. coming from a place of having little but making it look like a lot made it easier to shop, save and afford better by the end of the month, he didn’t even need to be good at math for that. things would be better though if hai wasn’t such a colossal pain in the ass, trying to ruin everything without even trying and making ruy’s patience go from one to zero real quick. he didn’t know where he was going with this, ruy was just bored, there was no practice today and no one to hang with because everyone was just dating, traveling, or whatever. there was no real reason to make music, at least nothing inspiring. nothing was going on in general so the least he could do was stuff his ass with sugar, baked sugar, but clearly, this was the last time he ever tried something which he was definitely not good at. finally, he signed, wiped his hands of flour on the towel, and gave up, with hands up in the air and a loser frowned face. ‘ fine. whatever. fuck off. you’re right.’  the drama queen in him was something natural, not like a switch he decided to turn on, but despite what people might think of someone with his unshakable confidence, ruy was pretty much and very much emotional all the time. he wouldn’t be a great musician if he wasn’t one, to be honest. he had to feel more than anyone else even if it was buried to look like theatre, even if had to be completely dramatic. he stopped face full-on puppy eyes in front of his boyfriend, which he wasn’t even sure what he was doing at his place during the day. was hai sleeping all day and he didn’t even notice? did he just come back to spend time together? was he off a lot lately? or was ruy just so focused on his own spectacle to notice? it was hard to answer any of these questions when they were so inconsistent with each other, for their own protection of course, or more so -- ruy knows -- for hai’s personal peace. nevertheless, whatever the reason he was grumpy there now in front of him still trying to look whichever numb way he wanted for the day. ‘ do you live here now?’ ruy simply asked with a shy grin on his face, a dare i say rare occur. he didn’t wanna push out his luck, he always did anyway. even though he couldn’t help but tease this gay off his game. ‘ i mean... i’m just asking. because you have to start paying for the pizza too. even isabel does sometimes and she is not as rich as you. ’ not being able to contain his bigger grin this time, giving in to the urge to kiss hai on his pale cheek, that was cold and lonely but felt warmer the minute his lips found that perfect spot. ‘ baking is not my forte, but you know what is? now that you’re here, you’re giving me ideas again...’ 

                  it was undeniable that as a lover, ruy is self-claimed clingy, he had seen his friends complain about such behavior multiple times and although it was indeed something enough to make him put brakes on his affectionate side, a few booze was just the perfect amount to push him off the edge. maybe it was for the best that his other half was the complete opposite of his exaggeration of person and situations, there couldn’t be room for another obnoxious queen in ruy’s life. talking about self-pride, marriage celebrations were just exactly all that ruy abolish, but still fit in perfect the paper of his life: a big mislead and judge of a life purpose. why people were so self-centered into wasting money on other people to show them that they are happy? it was the biggest scam of all, one which he didn’t intend to contribute at all. that mind wasn’t going to change, even when people insisted that it was all different once he would find the one. the one! yes, the one that was bitching sitting in the table next to other people talking completely ignoring the conversation to be observing whatever the fuck while ruy was all over the place. hai was so hot and yet so unaware of it, which made it even better although —  it was no denial at this point, in fact, that’s what ruy thought ever since he met him. but that didn’t mean he was going to get married! no, why for? to prove something? to waste money? he preferred to perform his love in the bedroom, where their interest was at it’s the best form. nonetheless, the party was a concept he could get behind, just because it was free and he wouldn’t deny a chance to enjoy luxury. the point was simple: flying to an island to get drunk with friends? hell yeah! that comes to the high point of the night, with his own two streamable feet and self-esteem that didn’t care for other people around, finding his boyfriend in the same position as he left him in the table, kneeling to his level on the chair and getting close enough to whisper intimately on his ear. ‘ come with me. ’ next thing he knew, taking his hand and guiding him to the one place hai wished he wasn’t. the dancefloor of the wedding was filled with other drunken and happy invited people, so he wasn’t shy to be next to his — probably the third favorite person in the world. although the beat was cheerful and hai didn’t have any idea what the hell ruy was trying to do and he didn’t either at first, he first started by putting both hands on his shoulder, just then on his neck and erasing the space between them. quickly peaking a kiss on his lips and smiling excitedly of the scene before his eyes. ‘ how can you be so bad at this at real life and so bitchy on stage? what’s wrong with you? ’ he said before kissing his neck a few times, showy of his happy mood. it wasn’t just the fact that he was drunk at a wedding, but that he was in his peaceful place with someone he cared about, his actions trying to show off that feeling. seeing hai’s expression light up in a laugh or anything of the sort was enough content that he need to be his extra self. leaning his head to his shoulder, next to his ear to whisper something one more time. ‘ you know… i get a boner every time you’re performing, it’s ridiculous cause the music you sing is terrible. ’ ruy couldn’t contain his chuckle even so close to hai’s ear, tickling his hair with his own when he parted back to look at him. ‘ it’s really bad! cause i feel like i want to get up on that stage and fuck you! and now i don’t, because you don’t even seem like the same person. ’ he said that loud over the music playing, putting on a face of drama that he was so used to. it didn’t matter the sense of where the conversation was going as long as ruy was leading. the good thing about their relationship is that he was never worried about that kind of thing though, being himself was just enough to go on and no fancy ceremony could imply that.

What do you like on your toast?

butter, eggs and if i’m feeling a little fancy… which let’s be honest, i always am. a lettuce and tomatoes. i try not to eat cheesy in the morning with my toast or at night either, but during the day it’s okay. 

What has been you worst haircut/style?

i hate when i’m not blonde because i look like twelve. also fun fact, many people enjoyed my red hair but i hated it, not because i didn’t look good, which i did, it’s just because i only did it cause i was bored. i’m planning to dye my hair pink to match my sister’s, i look good in almost anything so i’m not really worried about how it’s going to turn out.

What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

anything when i’m high with kayn. if you’re looking for unusual conversations, just find him at his parties after a few hours and you got yourself a lot to worry about.

Talk about your first kiss.

i can’t… because i don’t really remember it. i was probably drunk, who knows?

            he isn’t the most organized roommate ever, honestly, he is not organized at all. he leaves wet towels around the bathroom floor, he usually just stays in bed all day and is the emo boy, i write songs about you, tortured artist kind of stereotype. but his good looks save his ass, he is talented, i give him that, he also always pay for the food around the house and would be a good father for your kids if that’s what you’d be into and if he ever settled down with a girl for once, which is another problem of him but enough of those, right? what more do you want me to say?