The more I submit to what I sincerely believe is God’s will, the more I recognize that I need Him 25 hours, 8 days a week. The more I endeavor to walk closely with Him, the more I learn about myself and how to manage disappointment. So it goes almost a week ago today. It was not my intention to write a post for this month because I had been utterly consumed with a gun violence awareness production the Lord laid on my heart in January. I have been living with the production for the better part of 6 months, but it began to take shape and form over these last two months when rehearsals started. From the inception I encountered hardship, but Jeremiah 12:5 immediately came to my remembrance when I complained to the Lord: 5 “If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?” I faced challenge after challenge and put out fire after fire, but I never felt inclined to stop or give up. The resistance was great but I understood the assignment was greater, so I persisted through all the adversity. But the Sunday before last, as the final week of practices was beginning, I was lead to read my journal entry from 9 months ago where I referenced, “For Every Mountain I’ve Ascended,” a previous blog post. That post was about processing the devastation of disappointment and hardship when the wounds were still fresh. It had no particular relevance at the time I was lead to revisit it, but I nonetheless made a mental note as I have come to realize that things don’t occur by happenstance. Fast forward to last Wednesday, in a flurry of activity and calls coming in from various sources, all the wheels came off the train when I was informed, four days before the production was to occur, it would not take place as scheduled. I was undone.
I recall several thoughts flooding my mind in the minutes and hours after receiving the bombshell news, but there was little time to process. I had a previously scheduled conference call with my production team occurring 20 minutes after I received the news. I sent a text saying that the production was shutdown and I would explain on the conference call. After that 90 minute conversation, I decided to send an email to the cast advising that the production would not occur at the appointed time but I would be at the venue the next day to address their questions and concerns. Thereafter, I completely unplugged from the world so that I could assess my injuries and lick my wounds in private. My mind was fluttering with tools to self-soothe, but I didn’t want to be consoled. I wanted to legitimately and honestly be in my feelings and I was totally immersed in every single feeling that I could muster. I awoke the next day wanting to remain unplugged but I felt an obligation to speak personally with the cast and those who had volunteered their time, treasure and talent to bring the vision to life. It wasn’t until yesterday that I thought that I should blog about this experience. As I sat down to begin writing today, the previous post on disappointment came rushing back with great relevance. I said in that post I was inspired to write the counterargument to disappointment as a means of encouraging another author who expressed his lament while dealing with the injury and hurt of disappointment. I now find myself being likewise encouraged by my own insights. Much of the post resonated with me as my wounds are still new, but I found the following insight of particular note: “… when we are freshly bruised and battered by devastating news, oftentimes we lose perspective. In truth, falling apart is a reasonable response to trauma, but we leave ourselves vulnerable to being ravaged even more severely. If disappointment is kryptonite then perspective is the antidote, the wonder drug. Perspective allows us to respond in gratitude for the things that we still have instead of being swallowed whole by the things that appear to be lost or dreams seemingly deferred.”
There is an awesome gift in having perspective in the immediacy of the calamity that gives such clarity. I was on the precipice of allowing my vision to be clouded by emotions, but instead I took a step back to experience the grief of the disappointment, while not allowing those feelings to consume me. My responses, moves and motivations in the ensuing days have been tempered by understanding, revelation and purposeful intention, rather than tinged with anger and hurt feelings. Today, six days removed from the injury, I see even more clearly that the setbacks I have experienced are preparing me to run with horses. Had I not used perspective as the antidote to begin healing my disappointment, the lessons I would have missed would have been innumerable. Every hardship has served to develop my character, build endurance and strengthen my relationship with God. My faith and trust in God’s promises is my sustenance, so I will not stumble on safe terrain when I was meant to navigate the thickets of the Jordan. Every disappointment gets me closer to running with horses and as I grow, I am learning not to allow myself to be worn out in a foot race with men.
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