#running empty

Some days it is hard to tell how much of my husband's asshole streak is actually him and how much is his mental illnesses talking at times.

Just like when I try to talk about the real issues in our marriage. The overwhelming lack of intimacy of all kinds and our pisspoor communication are a couple examples. And he gets pissy and defensive and shuts down.

I wish he'd let me find an external partner sometimes.

Devyn had been holed up in his room for the past few days and that was fine by him. No-one really would miss his face anyways. It had been an endless cycle of: getting high, listening to music, ponder, watch tv, get high again, and repeat. That was his monotonous life and it would continue to be until he finished school. When he finished school. He didn't know when that would be but he really hoped it would be soon. Even thinking of this Devyn didn't really know what he wanted to do after. Something with music, that was for sure. Perhaps a singer?

Sighing he laid back on his bed placing a hand on his stomach and the other behind his head. Staring up at the ceiling he let out a chuckle. A singer. Right. That was a laugh. Even though Devyn loved his music, he couldn't really see himself as being one of them. He didn't think he had what it would take. Kathryn thought otherwise when she was alive. She would always push him towards it and encourage him, and clap when he finished singing something small to her. He of course didn't really think nothing of his voice then because it was Kathryn. She would literally make him feel good about himself even if she were to just smile at him...

Devyn rolled over onto his side and shut his eyes. 'Stop thinking about her. Stop.' Devyn ordered himself. Gradually the stinging of his heart subsided once he listened to himself and he opened his eyes again. He could still feel the emptiness inside. The same emptiness that had been there since the moment of the accident. He had been living with it for more than a year now and it was only getting worse. But he missed her so badly. And the guilt that came from it all..it was unbearable. He loved that girl more than anything...and what would soon be theirs...what they had made...