#rrpost

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Chris gets assigned Beowulf for English and hates every moment of it, despite the fact he usually likes reading well enough. The old English they’re given just doesn’t compute in his brain though and it takes ages to get through it.

He texts Buck about it, but he cites dyslexia and leaves him to his own devices, which is rude. He could ask grandma. She used to read to him, he remembers, but he doesn’t like having to ask her for help. It always makes him feel a little incompetent.

Another person he remembers reading to him is mom and he misses her all over again. Why did he have to inherit dad’s talents and weak points in school subjects? Why doesn’t he have pieces of her there?

Everyone always tells him how much he looks like his mom and he’s tried to find her so many times, smiling into the mirror in the hopes of seeing her, but he never really did. He can’t find her smile or the eyes that dad mentioned, doesn’t see the resemblance that Marisol had commented on after seeing a picture of mom.

And here he is once more, lacking a connection to her.

Usually he’d be more okay with it, the grief of missing her so familiar and well worn it’s almost comfortable. However, today Mr. Smith called him Eddie by accident. He does that from time to time, ever since the first class actually. It has always annoyed Chris, but today it hurts.

He finds himself in front of a mirror now, trying to find what Mr. Smith sees. What about his face calls to mind his dad for the teacher. He makes all sorts of expressions, frowning and scowling, even looking constipated and surprised. He leans in and zeroes in on his eyes, his brows, his mouth. Looks at the shape of his face.

Nothing.

Chris doesn’t see it. And he is glad for it. Despite wanting to know more about why dad became like this and loving him through the anger and mistrust, Christopher never wants to become like his dad. He’ll struggle through Beowulf if that’s what it takes.

Desperately, he shushes: “It’s okay, it’s okay, Chris. Papi’s very strong, remember? He’s going to be okay, he’s going to be okay, you can say hi to him real soon, just- don’t cry, please.”

It doesn’t work.

The anger has become fear and frustration, and tears are already spilling, sobs hitching his breath, while Eddie can’t do anything other than watch. He pulls Chris into a big hug, feeling his tiny shoulders shake.

Chris’s crutches dig into his ribs and his glasses are going to leave an imprint in his neck with how hard Chris is burying his face there, but Eddie doesn’t care. Chris is reacting exactly like Eddie would have, like Eddie nearly did, before he reigned himself in. He doesn’t do that for Chris, he’s just a kid, not the man of the house. His papi is hurt, if he wants to cry, he should and Eddie is going to do nothing other than hold him.

He cradles his head rocking them back and forth as he whispers: “It’s okay, mjio, it’s okay, just let it out. I’m here. I’m right here and papi will be too. We just have to be there when he wakes up.

Still, seeing Buck upset makes him want to do something stupid like drive to Maddie’s house and yell at her, or drive to Bobby’s to punch him in the face. However, he can’t do that.

With their jobs hanging in the balance and them both unable to work – Buck because he can’t, Eddie because he isn’t allowed – they have to take a step back from Carla, who luckily understands. Making him primarily responsible for Chris and the rest of the household while Buck is immobilized. Eddie is once more the man of the house, he can’t go around yelling and punching people, even if he wants to really bad. He isn't his father.

So he reigns in this murderous anger he feels and pushes it down deep, before putting a lid on it, instead choosing to focus on what he still has. On Buck.

Hi, this isn't a thing, but I'm making it one (writers and other artists feel free to join in on Self-Promote Saturday). Today's self-promote is: The Moment of Truth in Your Lies (16k)

I love this work, bc Rusty and Danny in the movie have such an interesting dynamic, so having this work to explore their friendship from the start until post-movie 3 where they get their shit together and kiss is so fun. Also, I love the heartbreak of being in love with your best friend and thinking they can never love you back. Queer emotions are something that means so much to me and I adore it when I get to write about it. So, do check out this fic if you like a good yearning, queer friendship exploration :D